


Peace Out

by Castielogically



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (terminal) illness, AU, Community: deancasbigbang, DCBB, DCBB2014, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, M/M, OOC, Photographer Dean, Punk Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-23 06:16:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 50,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2537276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castielogically/pseuds/Castielogically
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas meet each other in the park late summer of 2002. Cas didn't know about this 'Dean' in the beginning and he couldn't be convinced otherwise.<br/>Later he couldn't be more grateful that he let himself believe in love at first sight.</p><p>Everything seemed to be perfect until their whole world falls apart at what all started as a nice trip to Tokyo.</p><p>Peace Out is a story about the loyalty in a relationship when it becomes increasingly difficult to retain, due to a lot of circumstances.</p><p>A lot of questions won't ever be answered.<br/>What if you knew the answer on the 'why?', what if you knew the answer on the 'when?', would it change anything? Would it make you happy if you knew? Would it be the cure?</p><p> </p><p>'Love at first sight'.~ Something only dreamers believe in, Cas told himself.</p><p>Cas was a dreamer</p><p>And he would dream about Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**July 17 th, 2014**

 

_Hi folks._

 

_I've decided to go back for one last time. I've decided to tell the big story._

_A story about love at first sight. A story about dreams._

_Something that seems unrealistic but really happened._

_I want you to remember to smile. That's what I've been told, because in the end, everything makes you stronger._

 

_This isn't just **my** story. _

 

_This is **our** story!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In memorial of my classmate whom’s name will not be mentioned. My classmate's parents know I wrote this and I asked for approval before I wrote it. This is a mix of a true story and what I made of it but what happened to Cas also happened to my classmate.
> 
> Thanks to Eaksoy(Mycolour), for the beautiful art  
> Thanks to my beta and good friend: Gea! And thanks to my best friend Sara, for giving me some rad ideas

****

 

**August 5 th, 2002**

 

“Thanks for coming over, Anna” Cas said while they were walking through the grass at the side of the road. Cas could walk that path with his eyes closed, he always went there whenever he needed to clear his mind or when he wanted to be outside. He liked to be outside.

She smiled at him while her long red hair danced in the wind. “Of course, silly, it's your birthday. I always come over on your birthday” She said and Cas looked down with a smile. She was loyal to Cas. They had been friends for years.

It was sunny and quiet and perfect in Cas' opinion. He liked to walk long ends or just draw in his sketchbook. He got some money from his brothers and from Anna so he could finally buy new tools. He needed a new sketchbook and he wanted those beautiful pastel colored pencils he saw in the art store.

“Come on, I'll bring you to an awesome place.”

They walked into a park. A park he never went to before.

“Come on, I always came here when I was little.” Anna said and pulled Cas with her. His black clothes invading the bright green park. He chuckled and shook his head as he followed Anna.

 

“Ah, there are so many people here.”

“You're socially awkward.”

“I'm not, I'm just-... too dark for people.”

Anna rolled her eyes.

“No you're not, you're adorable”

Cas placed his hand on his forehead and chuckled with his eyes closed.

He always had this little argues with Anna and they would always end up laughing together. 

 

“Don't call me adorable!”

“I call you adorable as many times as I want!” She said when a guy bumped up to Cas and dropped his camera, Anna immediately let go of Cas.

“Shit I'm-..” “Oh fuck-..” They said simultaneously, and they both leaned down to grab the guy's camera.

_The first time I saw him! He was beautiful and cute and …. beautiful._

“I'm so sorry for-...” The weird dark blonde guy said and his words trailed off when they looked up into each other’s eyes, gazes locking, the both of them slowly leaning back up.

“Uhm... Hi” The guy awkwardly said with a shy smile and a weak chuckle.

“Hey.” Cas silently replied.

They both stood upright, Cas had to remind himself how to breathe because he felt _so_ awkward.

“I mean-.. Sorry-... I mean for-... bumping up to-...” The guy stammered and Cas smiled at him, feeling his cheeks heating up.

“I totally didn't-..”

“It's okay.” Cas cut him off and the guy silenced, staring into Cas' eyes for a while before nodding and walking off. He almost stumbled as he left, Cas checked him out for one last time, watching him glance back at him.

 

“Wow, Cas... What the hell was that?” Her words trailed off in a chuckle and she patted Cas' shoulder as she laughed. “Well, that was embarrassing.” He said and he decided to let it pass.  
-

“Anna”

“Yeah”

“I can tell you anything, right?” Cas said, they leaned against a big tree in the center of the park. Cas had his eyes closed and enjoyed the little sunbeams shining on his skin.

“Of course you can.” Anna assured and she brushed her hand over Cas' arm. He opened his eyes and looked at her, all seriousness suddenly back.

“I don't really know how to put this...but yeah, I think I'm into guys. Well, I don't think I am, I know I am.” he finished and Anna snorted.

“Why are you laughing!?” Cas asked, feeling a little offended.

“Cas, I already knew, did you seriously think that I didn't know that?” She began and Cas suggestively shrugged, his eyes wide, a little smile curling his lips.

“Besides, we _both_ checked out that guy!” She finished.

“He had a fine ass.” Cas said jokingly and Anna laughed.

They were the closest friends, Castiel almost considered her his sister, the bond he had with her was better than he'd ever had with anyone.

“He was checking you out too.” Anna said and she nudged Cas' arm.

“Ah, that's bullshit, have you seen him?” Cas thought that was impossible. Such a handsome guy? Not for Cas.

“Why is that bullshit!? And _yes_ I saw him, damn, you two would make beautiful babies.” Anna said and Cas barked a laugh, causing her to laugh too.

“It's bullshit because a guy like him would never date me and are you suggesting something?” Cas started to poke her side and she giggled and pushed his hands away.

“I think you deserve it, Cas, you're the sweetest guy I know.” She said.

Cas smiled and grabbed those words and locked them into his mind. Anna made him feel better about himself.

Without Anna, Cas wouldn't know what to do.  
-

 

“Hey what about October 12th?”

“What about that?”

“I'm home alone then!” Anna said with enthusiasm in her voice. “Cook together, watch a movie? Just like we always did before?” They always did that, as awkward as it sounds, many people thought they were a couple.

 

“Sounds nice!”

 

**August 12 th, 2002**

Cas was so grateful for buying his new favorite tools. His birthday was just a week ago and he bought himself that new sketchbook and brand new pencils with the money he got from his birthday.

He went out to find some nice places, he just _had_ to find something useful.

He was graceful that Anna brought him into that park because he couldn't get enough of it. He always sat against the big tree in the center of the park, where the light was perfect and the wind wasn't too annoying.

 

**September 9 th, 2002**

4 weeks full of inspiration went by.

Cas had been drawing a lot. He was practicing on realistic art, whenever he had the time. Landscapes, people, sometimes he just started drawing doodles, he enjoyed everything.

He had been drawing his whole life and he wasn't ever intending to stop.

_His art was amazing, believe me. I was impressed._  
-

The guy with the camera came along almost everyday. The same guy that bumped into him. Cas would automatically check him out and chuckle as he thought about what Anna said. He had to hide his smile every time but the problem of it all was that this guy saw it and smiled back and started to shoot pictures of Cas.

Cas didn't mind his appearance at all, but why was he taking pictures of him?  
-

 

He chose ~~to get closer to this guy~~ another place to sit, ~~like he was _totally not doing that on purpose to get closer to this guy._~~ ~~~~

It took him a few moments before he didn't care anymore.

“Whatever” He mumbled to himself and left his artwork to walk up to him. He wanted to ask him a few things but he wasn't sure if that was a good idea. _Though, he really had to_.

“Excuse me, why are you photographing me?” Cas asked and _yes_ it was his intention to sound sassy.

_~~And the sass was sexy as fuck.~~ _

The green eyed guy barked a laugh. “It's for a project I'm working on and it requires... 'different' people. Special people actually.” He explained and Cas tilted his head to that.

_~~It didn’t require different people, it just required him.~~ _

Cas? 'Special'? No. 'Weird'? Much.

“I'm not that special, you know?”

“You look kinda special to me.” The guy assured him and he looked through his pictures. Cas lightly scoffed at him.

Cas didn't know about this guy. He remembered what he said to Anna. This guy would never date Cas. Cas thought that it was impossible. Anna on the other hand, thought it was _totally_ possible.

After a few seconds he caught himself staring and the other guy was smiling at him, checking him out from head to toe.

“Do you like what you see?” Cas blurted without he could even think about it and the other guy snorted and nodded.

“I sure do.”

_Boy, you don't even know. I could eat you alive._

Cas was mind-blown. He had no idea how to act.

He couldn't help but smile to himself as he just simply walked back to his art, hearing the other guy chuckle as he left.

Cas felt so stupid.

He grabbed all his stuff and went home, to his own little apartment.

 

“Anna, I swear, this guy is hitting on me!” Cas told Anna on the phone what happened at the park.

“I told you, silly. Of course people will flirt with you, you're gorgeous.” Anna said and Cas blushed even though she couldn't see it, she simply knew it.

“I can always get you flustered.” Anna said and Cas scoffed.

“You know nothing! You're not even here Anna Milton!” Cas said playfully and Anna laughed on the other end.

“Shall I come over?”

“Sure! Let's vlog together then.”  
-

Anna came over a lot in summer and Cas' apartment was perfect for a simple sleepover, even if it was small, it was cozy.

“Hi folks.” Anna said to the camera.

“My line.” Cas teased and pushed Anna aside.

“Vlog 11.”

His vlog.

He started doing that a few months earlier, when people started asking him to make tutorials of the art he makes. It became more of a personal thing since a few weeks earlier. He already had fans and now they followed him. It seemed to be a little stupid at first but he actually kinda liked to interact with his loyal fans.

“Anna's here and she's probably sleeping over.”

“I never said that.”

“You brought extra clothes.” Anna smiled at Cas as if she was innocent.  “You claim my apartment.” He said and Anna nudged his arm.

“We're vlogging from the Novak-home!” Anna said and she stole the camera. “The cat is here too!” She filmed the cat. Cas knew that whenever he vlogged with Anna, it would be a whole wasted vlog, but everybody loved it.

After their vlog, they played games and talked a lot and eventually ended up on the couch together, Anna leaning against Cas, almost falling asleep in front of the TV.

“Cas, I'm going to marry you.” Anna said after a while and Cas chuckled.

“Good luck with that.” He said and Anna leaned up to look at him, she gave him a look.

“I'm serious. Make sure you dress up nicely, or I'm going to say no instead of yes.” Cas laughed loudly and wrapped an arm around her.

“I love you Anna.” He said and she rested her head on his shoulder.

“I know.”

 

**September 11 th, 2002**

 

It was a few days later. The sun was bright but it was just a tad colder than the other day, he wore his black trench-coat, after a long time again.

He had a lot going on lately. He had a new apartment and he finally got rid of that old small room, he moved to the room at the other side of the corridor. He liked new starts.

A new start, a new adventure!

People seemed to be extra happy that afternoon, Cas stopped drawing for a while and started to observe his surroundings until a shadow came upon him. His eyes trailed up to the long firm body. A dirty blonde guy wearing washed denim jeans and a dark green t-shirt, he had his camera in his hands. It was _him!_ How on god's green earth could he forget about him?

“Excuse me.” Cas tried to be polite. He cleared his throat before he said “Hi,” when he got the guy's attention. Apple green eyes looked down on him and Cas' heart started beating faster almost instantly.

He had his eyebrows raised and a little smile on his face and _damn_ if the sight didn't distract Cas.

_~~Act normal!~~ _ ~~~~

“you're blocking the light.” Castiel said with a polite laugh and the guy dryly stepped aside.

 “Oh, I'm sorry!” He said with a chuckle and Cas started drawing again as if he didn't care about the guy, as if he didn't even see him. He was _way_ too shy to actually talk to him.

_'I'm just too dark for people'_

The guy couldn't help but observe how Cas' hands were playing with the pencil, drawing lines as if it was as easy as breathing. Castiel just rolled with it till he heard his camera making clicking sounds behind him and he looked back up.

 “Am I making you uncomfortable?” The green eyed guy said and Cas waited to respond, he just looked at him for a couple of seconds, slightly squinting. His eyes roamed over his body, he was inspecting him, that might become one of his favorite activities.

It made the guy frown at him and he wondered; “Have we _officially_ met before?”

 Cas got up, leaving his artwork behind for a moment. Some of his shyness disappeared.

Cas was smaller than him, just the slightest bit, but he had to look up to him. The guy’s green eyes were suddenly so unnaturally bright.

“I guess not... You only observed me. Photographed me and intruded my privacy.” Cas said.

The guy snorted. Cas was being sassy, a little smirk curling his lips.

“Nah, I wouldn't forget those blue eyes if I'd officially met you before.” He stated and Cas rolled his eyes, smiling to the ground as the words flew around his head.

“I'm sorry, was that a flirtation?” Castiel asked him, this little smirk still lingering on his lips.

“Is water wet?” The guy asked him.

 This was going to be fun.

 There was a short silence in which Cas opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out, so he just closed his eyes and sighed. He didn't know how to respond to that.

The guy's phone started to ring and he startled lightly. Reaching out for his phone he took 2 steps backwards. He read the text and jerked his head.

“Gotta go, gorgeous.” He said and raised his camera, taking another picture of Cas and winking at him.

Cas widened his eyes. What did he just do? Did he just photograph him _again_? Not only that, he winked at Cas. _He called him 'gorgeous'!_ Only Anna called him gorgeous.

This whole conversation, whatever you call it, didn't make any sense. This guy was rude, not to mention that he was totally hitting on Cas. _~~And Cas liked it~~._ Nobody had ever acted to him like that. He felt something burning up at that wink, at his words, _he felt something burning up since the moment he first laid eyes on him._

He frowned to himself as he watched the guy walk away, he was flabbergasted, in the lack of a better word. He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. He wanted to forget about it all and go to another place but he simply couldn't. He wanted to see this guy again. _And again and again._

 

Maybe Anna was right, but Cas was too stubborn to ever admit that.  
-

 He went home and turned his camera on almost immediately. He had to post a new Vlog.

 "Hi folks" He said and he waved at the camera as his cat 'Butler' sat on his lap, the stray kitten he found the other day. Butler was completely black and Cas felt like he and his cat were much alike.

 He had a lot of fun doing his vlog. He could show people his arts and he loved showing them his ways, teaching them how to draw as they asked for it. Every day he would read the comments when he had time. It made him feel better every time.

  
 "Vlog number 12" he started.

 "This one is not about art, this one's a little different. Because you know..." He paused. "I met this douche-bag. Well, we didn't actually meet... He just walked up to me and started flirting with me and shot pictures of me with his stupid camera."

 He smiled and he tried to hide a blush. "He's cute, he really is." He added.

"I don't quite know what to do now..." He said. “I really don't know about this guy. He intrudes my privacy every time.” He said and he snorted.

"What should I do?" He finished and he decided in his head that this vlog wasn't going to be a long one, due to the fact that he was starting to get tired and because he was very confused about this weird feeling he had inside. This feeling he always tried to fight. Because he always told himself he was too busy with his own stuff. Because he just didn't have time for unwanted feelings.  
-

  
"I got nothing more to say" He said after a quick talk.  “I am _so_ sincerely sorry for the lack of art, though.”

He laughed and reached out for his camera. "Gonna end this vlog already, I'm sorry." he said. "I see you guys next vlog! And I'm definitely going to read the comments!"

"Peace out!"

 

 The words he always used when he ended his vlogs. He never had any clue why, nobody knew why.

 But he did.

He and his cat fell asleep together, which always happened.

 

**September 16, 2002**

 

It was a few days later before the guy actually came back to Cas. Red converse sneakers, washed jeans, dark green collared sweater, sleeves rolled up, and sunglasses that blocked his beautiful green eyes that were looking upon him once again. Cas was subtly watching him and studying all details but he tried his best not to show it.

 The guy would talk to Cas and Cas would just ignore him or answer him shortly as he was once again intruding his privacy. Cas was smiling to himself and enjoying the sound of his beautiful low voice.

_~~Oh he wanted to hear more of that! Why didn't Cas just start a conversation with him, instead of being cocky.~~ _ ~~~~

“Okay, we've been checking each other out for days now, what's your name?” He suddenly said him and Cas snorted lightly. “What? Why do you want to know my name?” He asked with audible disbelief in his voice.

Why does he? Cas was nothing out of the ordinary, even if he thought he was so 'special', he wasn't. His clothes were always the usual. Black, with black and black. With black accessories and black everything. _Black._ They'd call him 'that weird goth kid with the sketchbook'. He was already surprised that Anna wasn't freaked out about him.

Now he was _so_ surprised that this guy out of all guys was actually talking to him.

“Why won't you just tell me?” The guy insisted and Cas smiled at him, smirking actually, he couldn't help it. “What if I don't?” He retorted with the smirk still lingering on his lips. He squinted lightly, raising one eyebrow. “Where is this conversation going to take us, anyway?” He asked.  
  
"Where do _you_ want it to go?" He would never answer any question.

“Stop that”

 

There was another silence, they just stared at each other, smiles lingering on their lips. They were both being deliberately mysterious. But that was _Cas'_ job! No way a guy would walk up to him, taking over his role. He mentally smiled to himself. _~~He loved it.~~_

“What?” The guy finally said to break the silence. “Answering every question with another question” Cas replied. "You're rude" He added and the guy cocked his head a little bit.

“Am I?"

 

_~~Yes, and fucking cute and I want to kiss you and please take me with you and show me what you're hiding behind those apple green eyes.~~ _ ~~~~

"Yes! You are, you start photographing me, even start _flirting with me_ while you know nothing about me, you don't even know if I'm into m-.. " His words trailed off into a short silence. He closed his eyes and sighed. He needed to think what he was doing.

"Then tell me more about you!" The guy said, sounding a little desperate, like Cas was the only one left on earth.

"God, tell me more about you" Came the repeat and Cas answered with a simple and cocky “no”.

Cas was having fun.

After a few seconds, the guy lifted his camera again, shooting another picture of Cas before backing away with a sly smirk on his face. He snorted and Cas tilted his head to the side.

"What-.. Did you just-.. again? Really?"

The guy had to avoid Cas' hands as he was trying to steal his camera.

"Delete that!"  
  
"I won't ever delete that".

"Why wouldn't you?"

  
_"There are some beautiful moments in life that shouldn't be forgotten"_

Castiel barked a laugh, shaking his head again. "Well, then you might as well delete it" He said.  
  
"I won't" The guy stubbornly said. Cas narrowed his eyes.

What was it about this guy that he made Cas' stomach do a million flips? It was highly annoying and Cas had no idea how to react.  
  
"Oh come on! Don't tell me that _I am_ one of your beautiful moments because then your life isn't very thrilling" _~~Oh please, let me be one of your beautiful moments!~~_

 

Another pause crashed in. The guy couldn't believe what he just said about himself. He bowed his head a little and had his eyebrows raised and Cas shrugged.

"Have you fucking looked at me?" Cas asked, thinking about Anna's words as he did.  
  
"Can't get my eyes off you" He said without hesitation. Cas couldn't say anything. He was completely stunned.

Anyways, just like he didn't know anything about Cas, Cas didn't know anything about this guy either. He was just doubting if he actually _did_ want to know more about him, or if he should walk away. _Everything inside him wanted to stay!_

"Please tell me more about you!" The guy repeated and he couldn't help but smile at him as he did, making Cas scoff at him.

"You're fucking annoying." Cas blurted.  
 _Click._  
"Fuck off"  
 _Click._

_“_ You say _'fuck'_ a lot _”_

“Well, _fuck you_ ” Cas said with a smile on his face. The last part of his sentence trailing of in a chuckle.  
  
"Baby, your smile is beautiful" The guy said.

"Don't call me 'baby'" Cas said, his voice soft. He was lying to himself. He loved it. _~~Please call me 'baby' forever.~~_

"What else should I call you!? You won't tell me your name!" He said, his voice raised.  
  
"You didn't tell me yours either" Cas said, raising his voice too as he did.  
  
"Dean" The guy said. "Dean Winchester" He clarified. He was still smiling at Cas, who was staring at the ground, not knowing how to reply. Dean searched for his blue eyes as Cas looked up at him again.

"What's your name, baby?" Dean asked, his voice was soft, friendly actually. The smile on his face was softly killing Cas.

"I won't tell you anything unless you delete those pictures" Castiel said, stubbornly and hard to get. That or he wasn't experienced, he never fell in love before. Either way, he didn't know what to do now because this situation was just weird and he couldn't get Anna's words out of his mind.

That may be the only reason that he didn't walk away yet. That he would eventually maybe give it a shot.

"Too bad. I'm afraid I have to call you baby then."

It was like a dating site in real life.

He should-...  He should ignore him and-... _Speak!_

"Delete those pictures, will you?" He asked, almost begging him.

"Why do you want me to delete them so bad" Dean said, one eyebrow raised.

 "Because-" Cas paused. "Why do you ask?! Isn't it obvious?" he finished, his voice higher and louder.

Dean was looking at the pictures he just took. "You're photogenic"

Castiel tilted his head to the side, worrying the inside of his cheek. He was hesitating whether to ignore him or provoke him. Both didn't feel right. Dean cut his thoughts off before he could get them organized.

"You come here often?"

Cas barked a laugh.

"That, Winchester, was the worst flirtation _ever_ " Cas blurted and he had a sarcastic smile on his face.

Did he just ask that or was that an interpretation? The guy was beautiful, how could he even see something in Cas. And even if he did, that flirtation? Where the hell did that come from?

"Do you?" Dean repeated, ignoring the statement.

"Why?" Cas retorted.

  _Do not provoke him._  

"Well, if you did, then I'd know where to find you"  
  
"You wanna stalk me?" Cas asked, narrowing his eyes at him. _He wished._

Dean's lips quirked into this wicked smile of his.

"Maybe I'm just _interested_ in you!"

  
"Are you?" Cas scoffed at him and he raised his eyebrows. _How could Anna be right?_

Dean took a minute to think. Even he had no idea what he was doing, but it felt s _o_ right. He had indeed 'observed' Cas for a few days and he couldn't get his eyes of him. He was mysterious, good looking and Dean wanted to know _everything_ about him!  
  
"You look interesting enough to me to give it a shot" Dean said, not exactly knowing if he chose the right words.

 " _Give it a shot?_ " Cas blurted.

_Dean didn't choose the right words._

"I'm sorry but I'm not into guys who just want to ' _give it a shot_ '" Cas said as he reached down for his sketchbook.

"So you _are_ into guys." Dean said, smirking all the way.

There was another silence in which Cas tried his best to hide his blush.

  
"What do you draw?" Dean asked after a several moments and Cas smiled, opening his sketchbook.

He loved showing what he was proud of, didn't matter to who.

  
"Landscapes at the moment, people sometimes, though I have to practice" He said and gave Dean his sketchbook. Dean slowly backed away again and Cas hesitated for a moment whether to follow him or not, 'til Dean ran off.

_Note to self: Never give your sketchbook to a stranger._

  
"Fu-.. Dean!" Cas blurted and followed him. They crossed the street, running through a red traffic light and they both laughed as a few people scolded at them.

 "Hey! Dammit!" Cas shouted and Dean started to walk backwards, apparently exactly knowing where he was going, Cas noticed. With his other hand he raised his camera and shot another picture of Cas following him.

“You're _such_ a dork! How old _are_ you!?”

“25!”

Cas rolled his eyes, still following him.

“See? I tell you stuff about myself!”

“Well, I don't!”

Dean barked a laugh.

Cas followed him inside something that looked like a parking lot. Dean, _of course_ , knew _exactly_ where they were going. Letting Cas follow him up the stairs and into a big building, until Cas stopped to look around for a minute.  
  
"Hold on" He said and Dean stopped too. _Victory,_ Cas thought now he finally stopped walking. Cas knew where Dean was taking him, but if Dean could play games, he could play games too. He was not going to let it happen that a stranger was going to take Cas home with him.  
  
"What is your plan?" Cas said to distract Dean and he slowly walked up to him. Dean snorted, still standing there while Cas stepped closer.

  
"What does it look like?" Dean asked. He would always answer questions with another question and Cas somehow loved how annoying that was. He couldn't ignore the little smile lingering on his lips as he did.

"Looks like you're gonna give me my sketchbook!" Cas said while rushing over to Dean.

He grabbed his arms and tried to save his art but Dean was too fast and he held his book in the air while, with the other hand, pressing Cas against the wall with a soft thump, covering Cas' body with his own.  
Cas' eyes widened for a second while their hands were both in the air, Cas still tried to pull Dean's arm down, while pinned up to the wall.

He tried to focus. _While his eyes automatically locked on the other guy's lips, his heart beating faster._

Focus on his art. _While the heat crept up to his cheeks._

Focus on the time.

_~~Don't focus on the firm body against his~~ _ ~~.~~ ~~~~

"Under one condition." Dean breathed after a few seconds of intense staring, his voice was soft, barely a whisper.

He was slowly leaning in. Cas couldn't control the blush he had on his face as his hand on Dean's wrist loosened in surrender and he let himself being indulged by Dean's charm. He didn't even _think_ about leaning away.

"Your lips on mine." Dean finished and Cas winced.

He's provoking him to kiss him? Who does he think he is! _He wanted to kiss those lips so badly._

_Unorganized emotions._

He stared blankly at him. His lips just inches away from his own and he tried to ignore the hot breath that was brushing over his lips. His own breath hitched.

A few seconds of hesitation passed by before he gave Dean what he wanted. A soft and quick kiss on the lips. He pulled back and opened his eyes.

“Happy?” he said and he caught Dean with his mouth open, eyes half closed, still gazing at Cas' lips as both their hands lowered. Dean simply nodded and leaned in again, this time Cas couldn't stop himself. He just let it all happen. Closing his eyes, clearing his mind before kissing back.

Everything changed. _As if he was dreaming._

They were kissing slow and deliberate, their hands loosened and it felt perfect, as if their lips were made for each other. _Every movement made Cas' heart beat faster._

Dean shoved Castiel's sketchbook in his hand but Cas simply dropped it and ran his hand through Dean's hair instead, his other hand curling around his waist, pulling him closer and switching places. Dean let himself being replaced. Cas was now the one pressing Dean against the wall, while they made all kinds of pleasurable noises.

Dean softly hummed through Cas as his hands trailed down, into the back pockets of his black jeans, pulling him closer against his body, causing both to moan when their hips rocked into each other.

Seconds passed in a blur before they reluctantly pulled away, just far enough to look at each other. Dean's hands never left Cas' pockets.  
  
Cas slowly inhaled, staring at Dean's lips before looking up. Dean was _blushing._

  
"Castiel" Cas said and Dean blinked a few times. As if he was just waking up from a dream.  
"Huh?"

"My name is Castiel" He clarified and Dean smiled before gently kissing his nose, causing him to close his eyes at the tenderness.  
  
"I want to call you 'baby'.” Dean whispered, softly chuckling.  “I want to make you mine." He finished and gently brushed his hand through his hair.

Cas smiled and sighed before pulling away a little more.

  
"Don't leave..." Dean mumbled and both hands left Cas' back pockets, now softly tugging at the belt loops on his jeans to pull him back. Cas snorted and shook his head as he placed his hands on Dean's to pull them off his jeans.

"I really gotta go" Cas said, trying to escape. Even though he _didn't want_ to escape. He didn't want to go. And whatever was stopping his body from walking away, he didn't know, but what he knew was that he didn't ever want to leave.

But he did. He _had_ to. Because he felt like getting a heart attack.

He was half way gone when he felt Dean's hand on his shoulder, turning him around and all amounts of air were replaced by Dean's lips on his. Castiel sank in to the kiss with a soft moan as he fully turned around, letting himself being kissed goodbye.

The same happened for a second time as they pulled away, Cas gazed into his apple green eyes and he sighed, not wanting to let go this time. He chuckled to himself and Dean kissed him again, pulling him even closer, if that was still possible. The kiss ended soon, _too_ soon,  hands wrapped together, still standing close.

“I want to know everything about you!” Dean whispered, hot breath brushing over Cas' lips. Cas was blushing hard, staring blankly ahead, rather than gazing into Dean's eyes, his heart was pounding like it would explode and he thought he'd never felt _so_ good before. He forgot what he was doing that day. He forgot everything. All that was relevant were Dean's hands in his.

“Dean” He breathed as if the name already was engraved in his heart for years.

Dean simply replied with a soft humming noise and Cas chuckled.

“I really, _really_ need to go” Cas said, Dean slowly let him go.

“Sorry”

“Don't apologize” Cas said with a weak smile, straightening Dean's collar a little bit before he slowly walked off.

Half stumbling, he left, just as dorky as Dean left, the first time they saw each other. Dean's eyes followed him till he was on the stairs and he was gone. Out of Dean's arms. Out of Dean's sight. He didn't know why he had to go but he was nervous as fuck.

Dean dropped his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. It felt like his knees would snap under his weight.

_“See you in my dreams, baby.”_

 

**September 19 th, 2002**

 

“No, Sammy. I have work to do today” Dean said through the phone as he tried to make a sandwich, he had his phone pressed between his ear and his shoulder. “His name is Castiel,” Dean said and he smiled at himself as he said the name of his mysterious crush.

“Sam, I'm crushing so hard on him, it's not even funny. I don't even fucking know the guy, maybe it's an annoying toddler, or maybe he kissed me because-... I don't know, maybe he doesn't even like me at all! Maybe he likes to listen to the most terrible old music! Ugh just imagine.” Dean summed up and he groaned.

“I can't freaking get him out of my head.” He put his sandwich down for a moment to hold his phone properly.

“How did you possibly meet him?” Sam asked through the phone.

“I bumped up to him, I swear, he had me when I accidentally looked into his eyes.” Dean said, having Sam snorting at the other side.

“I got a new project and I needed to shoot pictures of statues in the city, I know it's fucking dull. But well, he was at the center of the park, against the big tree, all black clothed, sketchbook in his hands, so I told him I had to photograph 'different' people and Sammy I tell you, he has the bluest eyes I've ever seen,” Dean said and he blushed. He couldn't help it.

“I am _so_ in love. Help me!” He said and Sam laughed.

“I cant wait to meet him.”

Dean chuckled.

“Hey can I come over, October 12?” Sam asked suddenly and Dean frowned.

“Yeah of course, sucker. You don't need to ask,” He could hear a light chuckle through the phone.

“anyways, Sam, I have work to do right now and my sandwich is still unfinished.”

“Right, good luck with the pictures. Don't let them be too black or... blue.” Sam said and Dean rolled his eyes.

“Ha ha ha... Nice one. See you in 3 weeks” Dean said and they ended their call.

Dean packed his stuff and finally finished his sandwich. He had his camera with him, today was going to be a nice day.

 

**October 9 th, 2002**

 

After 3 weeks of meeting each other in the park, between the days Dean had to work, Castiel was still playing hard to get. He wouldn't go home with Dean. He would never let himself getting seduced. _He would never fall in love with him._

Cas sat in the higher grass against the tree, at the center of the park, the usual. He had his headphones on while Queen was softly playing. It started to get colder and colder everyday, that's why he would be alone in the park sometimes, but he didn't mind.

“Hey babe.” a voice said and Cas suddenly got a sketchbook dropped in his lap, which he totally forgot about, last time they met. _Again._ He always forgot it when he left the park. He was very chaotic.

He took his headphones of and he stared at his sketchbook and if it wouldn't be awkward he would hug it.

“My sketchbook!” He said and he squeezed his hands around the corners a few times. He looked at his right and saw Dean sitting there, smiling at him. His smile said so much to him.

The smile relaxed Cas from head to toe.

There was something about his smile that would make Cas dream about Dean for a million years.

There was a silence. Cas looked at his sketchbook, worrying the inside of his cheek. _What was he doing?_

“Still didn't lose your interests in me?”

“Why would I?” Dean said and he shifted a little closer to Cas.

"I won't ever lose my interests in you." He whispered and he rested his head on Cas' shoulder. Cas didn't push him away, _he would never._ He wanted him closer.

 He smiled to himself as he felt Dean's hair brush against his neck and cheek and he sighed. Something about Dean made his heart beat faster,  made his head spin. The way Dean's fingers brushed over his own, it felt special. Cas was special for Dean.  
  
It felt so unreal. He should stay home, knowing that Dean would be in the park. He should use his mind.

Dean suddenly grabbed Cas' headphones and put them on. “Gosh” He said and he chuckled. “What?”

“This music? I really didn't expect that.” Dean said as 'Love of my life' by Queen started playing.

“Well _you_ chose to stalk me and _I'm_ not perfect” Cas said with a playful shrug, eyebrows raised, silencing Dean for a moment.

“Maybe I think you're perfect.” Dean whispered and he took his headphones off and nestled his head back into the crook of Cas' neck.

“There's no such thing as perfect.” Cas said in a monotone, stubborn and without interest.

“Maybe _that's_ why I like you.” Dean threw back, this guy always knew what to say. His words rolled off his tongue as if his head was a dictionary.  
  
"We don't know anything about each other, Dean." Cas said instead and he felt Dean looking up, his hair briefly tickling the skin of his neck.  
  
It was silent for a few seconds before Dean chuckled.

  
"What's your favorite color?"

Cas barked a laugh and he looked at his own clothes ironically.

"Guess."

"Black."

"Good guess."

They both laughed. Cas could feel Dean's eyes burning into his skin, yet he didn't push him away. _How could he ever?_

"What's yours?"

"You." Dean whispered and Cas winced at the feeling of Dean's lips against his neck. 

"I'm not a color."

"You're _every_ color."

Dean placed another kiss on his neck while Cas looked down on him, eyebrows raised. Dean finally looked up.

"Okay, fine, green." He said and Cas laughed at him.

"You're adorable." Dean said and Cas allowed himself to brush his hand through Dean's hair.

"Well you're crazy."

"I guess I am." Dean admitted and he shifted, lifting his head to see Cas properly.  
"But you're allowing me to be." He whispered and Cas cocked his head at that. He was right. He wouldn't do anything to stop him. _He didn't ever want it to end._

Dean nudged his nose in Cas' cheek before kissing it.  
"Stay with me." He whispered as he pressed his forehead to the side of Cas' face.  
  
Cas was confused. His mind was one big mess of unorganized emotions. He should know better. This was ridiculous.

But something in his body was screaming for Dean's lips to touch his, and that happened.

He kissed him.

They shifted closer and tangled their fingers together. Their kiss was so much different then the first one. It wasn't urgent, it was tender. Cas felt butterflies in his stomach. He felt this warm feeling creeping up to his cheeks, making his heart beat faster. All his thoughts evaporated and his head was suddenly spinning and he knew,

_he was in love._

It only lasted a few seconds before they stopped, their foreheads pressed against each other. Cas was the first to open his eyes and found Dean smiling with his eyes on Cas' lips, just like the first time. He looked like he won the damn lottery and it was adorable.  
  
"Maybe I will... You know... ' _give it a shot_ '" Cas said to throw Dean's own words back at him, causing him to laugh.

He would try. He would give it a chance. He would give _Dean_ a chance.

Dean stole his heart.

 

_'Love at the first sight'~ Something only dreamers believe in, Cas told himself._

_Cas was a dreamer,_

 

_and he would dream about Dean._


	3. Chapter 3

 "So, what would you like to know about me?" Dean said and Cas blinked a few times before he could answer.

"Well, I don't know, just... Stuff"

  
"Stuff?"  
  
"Yeah, stuff" Cas repeated and Dean chuckled. "Like, where is your camera? For starters." Cas asked and he tilted his head.

"Well," Dean started.  
  
"I could only think about you, so I forgot to bring it." Dean said and Cas looked down to hide his blush.

“I thought you had a project?” Cas said and Dean laughed. “yeah....” he said.

“That was a trick to get to talk to you. That was not my project.”

Cas snorted.

  
"You sure know how to make me blush" He said. His voice softened. He would finally relax.  
  
"Well same goes for you." Dean said and that made Cas squint. "The way you kissed me that first time? I didn't expect that!" He continued.

 Cas smiled to himself. There was a glimpse of pride in his eyes.  
  
"I would never expect that... that kiss... I just-.." his words trailed off and he stared into Cas' blue eyes. "I fell for you, baby. I totally fell for you! So damn hard!" Cas had the biggest smile on his face.

"I must be a real fucking idiot, but... I can't stop thinking about you. I fucking swear! I _dream_ about you!" He added, making Cas blush.

"I didn't expect you to be single, hell I didn't even expect you to be into guys, or into _me,_ to begin with. I didn't expect you to actually _kiss_ me!" Cas frowned and he barked a laugh.

"Then why did you provoke me?" Cas asked.

"I'm crazy" Dean said, shrugging as he did."I was curious. I wanted to know what would happen."  
  
"You could have asked me?"  
  
"Oh no, you wouldn't answer"

He was right. Cas wouldn't answer.  
  
They both smiled. They didn't even notice when they tangled their fingers together.

Cas looked around the park and there was nobody besides them.

"What is it?"

"I think I should go" Cas said as he started to panic again, why did Dean let him panic so much.

"No..." Dean let out a painful groan and he softly squeezed Cas' hand.  
  
"Don't do that again. You're killing me!" He added, he sounded so desperate. As if Cas was the last person on earth.  
  
They both stood up but their hands never let go.

"You really _are_ crazy"  
"Crazy about you!" Dean replied and he pulled him back, resting his hands on Cas' waist.

"I'm _so damn_ crazy about you!" He whispered and gently pressed his lips against Cas'. Cas responded right away, his hands slightly shuddering before he curled his arms around his body to hold him close. _To hold him close and never let go of him._

Dean ran his hands through his hair as Cas hummed through him. Cas brushed his hands over Dean's back and there was _no_ way he wanted to break this kiss. Dean drove him crazy, pulling him closer, deepening their kiss. He pushed his tongue in Cas' mouth and Cas emitted a soft moan before reciprocating his actions.

It was all so unreal. But Dean's hands in his hair confirmed it was real, Dean's soft lips on his confirmed it was real. _The butterflies in his stomach confirmed it was real._

Dean broke the kiss and let out a soft laugh. They were only inches apart from each other. Only then, Cas realized that Dean's hands ended up in his back-pockets, just like the other day and he smiled to himself. He loved it when Dean did that. It felt like Dean wanted to make sure that Cas wouldn't leave. He always pulled him as close as possible, desperately holding him tight as if Cas was the only reason Dean was alive.  
  
"Okay, maybe you should go before I take you home and never let you go." He whispered. Cas laughed and let out a painful groan. "I don't _want_ to go." He said and it took him a few seconds to realize that that wasn't a thought. Dean chuckled and placed a kiss on the corner of Cas' mouth, on his chin, on his nose before letting their foreheads touch.   
  
"I like you." Dean whispered. "I'm going to make you so happy." He continued and Cas couldn't do anything but listen. He didn't know what to say.

 "I'm gonna show you the world and I'm going to marry you in Tokyo" He said and Cas snorted.

"Tokyo?" Cas managed, squinting a little.

"Tokyo!" Dean repeated and they both chuckled at that.

"Yeah right"

Dean placed a hand on his cheek, forcing him to look into his eyes.

"I'm your future husband, show me some respect" He said and they both laughed before they kissed again and again and again.

The kisses were chaste but full of love.  
  
"Meet here, Friday?" Dean said and Cas closed his eyes to think. He was brainwashed. His head was spinning.

 He couldn't get over this. Cas was just _Cas_. How could anyone love him like that? Especially someone like Dean, he could get anyone. He was amazing. Every movement, every word he said, would send shivers down Cas' spine and chills into his bones, slowly letting this warm feeling take over his stomach and he could only smile like an idiot.

 He felt like a moron. He would awkwardly smile and be happy about things he never cared about.

 Dean smiled and brushed his hand over Cas' cheek one more time as he saw that Cas didn't know what to do.

 "Go home, I'll wait for you" He said and he left Cas alone. Cas also made his way back to his place.

 Cas smiled to himself. He was always drawing, always busy with his art. He never felt something like this. Not like this. Something inside him that made him so happy.

_He never thought someone would ever fall in love with him._

 He had to keep convincing himself that it wasn't just a dream.

Dean was his dream and he didn't ever want to wake up.  


**October 10 th, 2002**

 

Cas had planned a whole day to draw. Make new artworks, Vlog a lot, getting known! He had a pretty big group of fans but he wanted the world to know about his art. Which artist doesn't want that?

He once made money with his art and tried to do that ever since, taking commissions and drawing for people.

“Hi folks!” He started as he gave his camera a place on his desk.

“Vlog 21!” He said and he winked at the camera.

“As many of you know, I'm an artist. A hobbyist. Today is going to be a very productive day! I will be streaming today so if you want to see what I draw and how I draw. If you want to see my techniques and my ways to create... Follow me here! This vlog will start now!” He said, smiling all the way. Cas was a very happy guy and Dean actually doubled that.

-

 

He was drawing for 2 hours and then suddenly his phone started ringing, causing Cas to flinch.

“Hello?”

 

_“Hey babe.”_

Cas smiled and shook his head, hoping that he wasn't blushing.

“How the hell do you have my number? You stalker.” Cas said jokingly and Dean huffed at the other end.

 

“Your sketchbook, idiot.” Dean said and Cas felt stupid.

 

“Fuck.” He said and he chuckled.

 “Hey, I'm in the middle of a live stream-...” Cas started but Dean cut him off.

 

“Live stream? Oh, god, I'm sorry! I just wanted to ask something, because I said we would meet  Friday but I have to work that day, so my question was; can we meet-..”

“Saturday”

…

“Yes” Dean laughed.

 

“See you Saturday.” Cas said and he didn't notice how much he was smiling in front of the camera.  “See you Saturday.” Dean said and Cas didn't want to hang up and he was totally aware of how cheesy that was.

 

“I can't wait to kiss those lips again.” Dean said, causing Cas to blush hard. He placed a hand on the lens of his camera.

“I have to hang up now.” Cas said with a soft crackle in his voice.

Dean chuckled.

 

“Okay, bye baby.” Dean said and Cas hung up before he removed his hand from the lens.

“What a douche.” Cas said and he shook his head. He couldn't get this smile of his face. He couldn't wait till Saturday.

_He couldn't wait to feel Dean's lips on his again._  
-

Cas had a successful but a very long day. He had been drawing so much his hands hurt. Raising money wasn't very easy to do, he first had to wait for people to see his art. And that's what he'd been trying to do. Put his work online, make vlogs, he was getting known on the internet and now he only had to wait and see. Make new art, and let people know he was available to do art for them.

 

But first,

wait till Saturday.

 

**October 12 th, 2002**

 

"Hi folks" He said to his camera.

  
"Vlog number 24." He placed his camera on the grass against the tree and lied down in front of it, talking to it.

 "I'm at the park, waiting for someone you might want to meet" He said when Dean already dropped down in the grass, next to Cas.  
  
"Said 'someone' reads my mind" Cas said to the camera and Dean frowned.

 “Nice to see you too" He said and he kissed Cas' cheek. Cas blushed hard and he reached out for his camera.   
  
"So this is Dean, the douche I talked about a few times.”

“Douche?” Dean mumbled between kisses, stroking his hand through Cas' hair but Cas only pulled him away which only caused Dean to try even harder to distract him.

“Douche is now kind of...my boyfriend"  Cas said while he held Dean's wrist down on the grass.

"Oh I like that improvement. That sounds about right" Dean said and he kissed his cheek again and again.

"Fuck off" Cas laughed and Dean chuckled against his cheek.

"Guys! I'm _very_ distracted now. See you next Vlog! Peace out!" He finished and turned the camera off.

"Peace out?" Dean said against his cheek. Cas winced at the gentle touch and he chuckled. "My vlog" He said and Dean just hummed and started to kiss his neck causing Cas to close his eyes in pleasure.

"Dean..." He gasped and tried to stop him.

"I'm sorry babe" Dean replied. Cas looked around if nobody saw it. What if anybody saw it? That would be embarrassing. _It was the only reason he wanted him to stop._

  
"I missed you" Dean said and he kissed his cheek again.

"We saw each other 3 days ago"  
  
"I don't want to miss a second of you." Dean said and kissed his cheek again and again.

  
"Cas," He said and Cas was surprised because he actually called him by his name. Well, shortened version, but still.

"kiss me." He whispered and he placed his hand on Cas' cheek to turn his head a little. Cas chuckled and he kissed him. It was the most gentle and sweet kiss. Soft and caring. It said so much.  
  
"What are you doing to me?" Dean whispered when they pulled away.  "You're driving me insane." He said and Cas smiled at him. Dean started kissing his neck again.

"Dean, st-.." His word trailed of in a gasp and Dean smirked against his neck. "Stop" Cas managed to get out.  
  
"Why?" Dean said, leaning up again and Cas glared at him.

"Because it turns me on," Cas said and he blushed. “and we're in the middle of a park.”   
  
Dean hummed against him.

"You've never seen my place," He said and Cas knew where this was going.

 "I'm going to capture you." He added and he got up soon after that. Cas laughed and shook his head.

"Come on baby."   
-

 

"What are you even going to do to me?" Cas asked when they were almost there.

Cas had this cocky smile on his face all the way. Dean just smirked at him and stopped walking. He opened a door and basically dragged Cas into the room before closing the door again.

Dean pulled him closer and kissed him hard, Cas melted into the kiss and curled his arms around Dean's neck. Dean's hands were going everywhere while he started to kiss his neck again.

"You are _so_ amazing!" Dean gasped against his neck.  
Cas closed his eyes and had to remind himself how to breathe because Dean made his head spin, in _such_ a good way.

He suddenly wanted Dean all over him.

 Dean kissed him on his neck, on his jawline, chin, and finally his mouth again. His hands were where they always ended up, in Cas' back-pockets.

But this time, Dean pulled Cas' body against his, hips rocking in a slow rhythm and it drove him crazy.

"Dean..." He started but he couldn't continue when Dean's hand curled over his clothed erection and his words ended in a shivery moan. Dean chuckled against his skin. "It's okay baby." He whispered and he softly bit his earlobe. One hand trailed up underneath his black shirt and he closed his eyes again, Dean's warm hands on his skin was the best thing he ever felt.

  
Cas felt like he could get a heart attack, his heart was pounding so hard in his chest. He needed a few seconds to realize that Dean was on his knees in front of him, already undoing his fly. He never experienced a feeling like this. Not like this. Not with Dean. _Not with Dean,_ which made such a big difference.

He ran his hands through Dean's hair and gasped when he pulled his jeans and boxers down. "Relax" Dean whispered and his hands softly curled around Cas' dick and his thumb slid over the head, it was slick with pre-come already. Cas let out a soft moan when Dean started to place little kisses on his waistline while softly stroking him.

' _it's okay baby'_ Dean said ' _relax'_ He said. How could he relax when his hot mouth was only inches away from his hard dick?

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and felt the hot wetness of Dean's mouth around his dick soon after that. Feeling his dick being swallowed. It felt like he could never open his eyes ever again.  
  
He had dreamed about Dean doing that. He never imagined how _good_ it would feel. So good that your knees give in. He realized how he was grasping in Dean's hair but Dean was too far gone, he only smiled around his dick.

Cas could feel his tongue flicking around the head _every time._ He couldn't help moaning as he felt Dean softly sucking on his cock.

  
"It's okay baby" He repeated and he continued. Cas' hands loosened a little bit but he just couldn't help the noises he made. "D-Dean! Hngh" He managed when the pleasure started to coil up in his stomach. He threw his head back as he instinctively started to fuck Dean's mouth.

Dean moaned around his dick and that was it. That was too much. Cas was coming hard. His hands tightened again and his whole body trembled as he released deep into Dean's mouth.

_So good. So good that your knees give in._

"Oh my god." He gasped when it was over. He slowly opened his eyes. He didn't even realized he'd closed them till then. Dean came back on his feet again and Cas kissed him hard. Cas had no time to care about anything, he just wanted to kiss him.

  
1,2,3 seconds before a knock on the door broke their kiss.

"Dean? You there?" A voice came from behind the door and Dean's eyes widened.

"Shit" He said and they quickly redressed themselves. Only then Cas realized that Dean's jeans were also down already.  
-

"Sammy!" Dean said when he opened the door. A nervous smile on his face.

"Hey! I said I would come today!”

“Yeah… I know that, come in!” Dean replied as Sam walked in.

“What's with the hair?" Sam said and suddenly saw Cas. Sam looked down for a moment before looking at Dean again. "Don't answer that" He warned him and Dean smirked at Cas.

Sam walked up to Cas to introduce himself. He had only heard about him but never really met him.

"Hi, so you must be Castiel. I'm Sam, Dean's brother" he said and they shook hands. Castiel awkwardly smiled at him as he just caught his breath.

"Nice to meet you" He said. His voice was hoarse and he felt so awkward. Sam tried to ignore it and cleared his throat.

"So, Dean. The reason I'm here.... You know that Jess and I are together for quite a long time now" He started. Dean hummed but then turned around and his eyes widened.

“No way!”

 "So..." Sam said and he got a little box out of his bag.  
  
"You got to be kidding me right?"  
"I'm not" Sam said.  
"My little big brother is getting married!" Dean said and Sam nodded.

  
Cas was obviously overwhelmed. He just met Sam and then.... Dean could see it on his face. "Sorry that you're just in the middle of this all, baby." Dean said and Sam frowned.

"Baby?"  
"He never calls me by my name" Cas clarified.

  
"Well I know what _that_ means" Sam said and Dean looked down, smiling.

"My big little brother is helplessly in love"  
"Shut up douche-bag!" Dean said and they laughed.  
-

_Cas and I met each other in 'the heat of the moment' of my life. I didn't ask for that. It was pretty awesome but also confusing for him, though he adjusted in our little family pretty quickly._

Sam was gone for an hour now, he would ask Jess in 2 days and he asked Dean for help. Not that he was such a love doctor, but they were brothers and good friends. Sam would always ask for the advice of his older brother.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Cas was smiling at him _the whole damn time_. Dean took a seat next to him and he lied his head down on his shoulder, like always.

"Why you call me 'baby'?" Cas said and Dean snorted.

"Guilty" He said and they tangled their fingers together.   
  
Dean lifted his head to look at Cas. He just stared at him while fiddling on the collar of his shirt.

“Stay with me forever.” Dean said. Cas chuckled and kissed his forehead.

“ _Maybe we'll give it a shot._ ” Cas whispered and they kissed gently.   
-

 

"Of course I'd like to." Dean said as Castiel just told him about Anna. He almost forgot that he would come over at her place. He knew Anna well enough to know that she didn't mind if Cas took somebody with him. And Dean wasn't just _somebody._

"Is she okay with the whole 'into men' stuff? She isn't going to hate me?" Dean asked, he remembered a lot of people's reaction when they found out.  He remembered his father's reaction when he came out. He wasn't taken seriously at first and when he actually introduced his father to one of his boyfriends, he'd scoffed and talked to Dean when he was gone. He told him that Dean was just confused. That Dean just didn't know who he was. That it was 'just a phase' or that he 'didn't know what true love is'.   
  
He wasn't understood.  
  
"She's my best friend, Dean.” He said and Dean shrugged, widened his eyes. “She's fine with it as long as you're good for me,” Cas began and Dean chuckled a little. “so don't tell her you were actually planning to capture me!" Cas joked and Dean laughed.

Dean understood Cas and Cas understood Dean. As if they were made for each other.

"Oh baby, I would capture you and never let you go." Dean said as he walked to the stereo to turn on some music.

_Muse - Feeling good_ was on the station and Dean made awkward dance moves and started humming along with the song. Cas chuckled and shook his head.

"You're crazy"  
"Yeah, you keep telling me that," He said. " _but I'm feeling good!"_ He sang totally off key and he pulled Cas closer to him. "You make me feel good," He whispered and he kissed his nose, he always managed to make Cas laugh.

" _so_ good!" He added and he covered Cas' lips with his own. They kissed slow and passionate. Cas' hands curled around Dean's waist and his fingers started making circles on his back. Dean cupped Cas' face with his hand and brushed his thumb over his cheek.

“All of this feels too good to be real,” Dean whispered and he shook his head. “it's like a dream coming true.” He leaned in to let their foreheads touch, slowly swaying on the music.

_They might give it a shot._   
_-_

 

_I admit, I was a crazy dude. But he fell for it and I fell for him. Love can do crazy stuff to you, I hope you may experience that too._

 

_Because it feels amazing!_

"Aren't your neighbors ever complaining about your music?" Castiel said as they walked outside to go to Cas' place.

"Yeah, well, they kinda hate me" Dean said and he laughed as he grabbed Castiel's hand. Dean's hand was warm, Cas noticed.

"Why do they hate you?" Cas asked and Dean chuckled.

"Well, it's a bigger room as mine, 2 person's room. They have a daughter, just a few years younger than me. She used to come over a lot and I soon noticed why, it was because she liked me." Dean started.  
  
"She liked to hang out with me and I liked her, as a friend, she was nice. We always watched movies together and she 'had the same interests as I had'" Dean said and gestured his hands at the quotations.  
  
"I found out she was into me so I told her the truth; I was into guys. She said she was okay with it. But 4 or 5 weeks later, she found out that she was pregnant." He said and Cas gave him a look. Dean raised his eyebrows and shook his head, putting his hands up as to say 'it wasn't me'.  
  
"I didn't!" He said. "She had just been slutty, she wouldn't dare to tell her parents, but I never touched her." He laughed and Cas laughed with him.

"Their parents were mad at me because she made them believe that I forced her into something, but it was totally unfair and I was angry so I went to them and said; I'm fucking queer but the sex was great." Dean said and he barked a laugh. Castiel shook his head.

"It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life, they still think the kid is mine." Dean said.

"You're such an idiot!"

"But I'm _your_ idiot" Dean confirmed and he squeezed his hand. Castiel squeezed back and they both chuckled.  
-

 

"Hey Cas! And hey...the guy that bumped up to Cas." Anna said. She eyed Dean up and down and smiled before reaching her hand out to him. Dean chuckled and shook her hand.

“Dean.”

“Hello Dean, I'm Anna. Nice to meet you.”

Cas could see it on her face that she approved. Dean walked in and Anna subtly stopped Cas at the threshold. “Willing to elaborate?”  She said and Cas chuckled.

“Isn't it obvious?”

Dean just smiled at them because he totally heard them.  
-

 

“So, when did this happen?” Anna said and she gestured at Dean, causing him to huff a laugh.

“A few weeks ago maybe?”

“The 16th of September” Dean said and Cas chuckled because Dean knew the exact date.

They got along really well and Cas and Dean told her everything about how it happened. Anna was so nice, she loved to hear the story and she respected Cas in everything he did.   
-

 

“I swear, she's my fucking sister, if you hurt her you die, Dean Winchester” Cas said, pointing his finger at Dean, causing him to laugh. He glanced back to look if Anna wasn't looking -she was in her kitchen- and he kissed him. Cas melted into the kiss and ran his hand through his hair.

“You two are adorable” Anna said, breaking the kiss and they both looked back, finding Anna leaning against the wall of the kitchen, she had a smile on her face. Cas shook his head and chuckled.

They had dinner together, just like Cas always did with Anna before Dean. Cas constantly asked if Dean didn't think it was stupid but Dean would always tell him that he loves everything Cas does. He loved it when Cas smiled, when Cas was happy.

Because that was his plan; to make him happy.

_To show him love, because he was everything. He was more than that. He was mine, he was Cas._

_My Cas._

_He was more than I could ever adore. He was the moon and the stars that shine in the night, he was my world and I wanted to show him._

_I wanted to show the world to him._


	4. Chapter 4

**October 17 th, 2002**

 

It was the day Sam would propose to Jess. Dean and Cas organized a dinner in a fancy restaurant for them. It was almost 8pm and Dean started to get nervous. He was way too excited and talked way too much and Cas would just listen and softly hum and run his hands through his hair and kiss him so he would shut up. Dean lied down on the couch, his head in Cas' lap and Cas simply watched TV.

“Maybe she would say no!” 

“She wouldn't”

“Did we organize everything well?”

“Yes, Dean”

 “Imagine if they would dislike it” 

“I doubt that”

 “But imagine if we-..”

_“You're crazy”_

…

“I'm talking too much ain't I?”

“Hmm hmm”

Dean laughed as Cas leaned in for a kiss and Dean lifted his head a little to meet his lips.

_“You're adorable”_

-

 

“SHE SAID YES” Were the words that woke Cas up. He accidentally fell asleep in front of the TV.

He needed a few seconds to realize what Dean had just said to him. She said yes....

“SHE SAID YES?” Cas shouted and sat upright.

“YEAH!”

 

Cas got off the couch and suddenly saw Dean standing there, almost jumping in happiness. Cas never saw him like that before, he found it utterly adorable.

“My lill' brother is getting married! _He's getting married_!” Dean said and turned his stereo on in a rush. He was dancing on music he didn't know and danced his way to Cas.

“Turn that off, you idiot, it's 1 am.” Cas laughed as Dean pulled him towards him to kiss him on the lips. Cas suddenly didn't complain, he softly moaned through Dean. The kiss felt so good.

“I'm so happy.” Dean mumbled between kisses.

“Stay with me tonight?” He said and he looked at Cas. Cas softly nodded and he smiled at Dean before kissing him again. He pushed him up against the wall and pulled away from the kiss just a little bit.

“You're still crazy” He mumbled, biting Dean's lower lip and softly tugging, causing Dean to gasp.

“Yes I am.” Dean ran his hand through Cas' hair and tried to kiss him but Cas pulled away and laughed. He tried to pull him back but Cas just simply pinned his arms against the wall too. Dean chuckled and threw his head back against the wall in surrender. Cas smirked and started to kiss his neck, covering Dean's body with his own while his grip on his wrists loosened. His hands trailed down and under his shirt instead.

“You give up pretty quickly.”

Dean chuckled again and he rocked his hips forward, causing Cas to gasp too.

“Oh, baby. _You're_ driving me crazy.” Dean said, his voice rough. Cas chuckled against his neck and also rocked his hips forward, earning another moan from Dean.

“Just returning the favor.” Cas whispered and bit down on the skin he just kissed. Dean hissed through his teeth, his hands also disappeared under Cas' black shirt.

“Returning the favor...” Dean breathed, barely audible, while they were both hard already, rocking into each other in a slow rhythm. Dean remembered. He knew exactly what he meant with that. “I'm sorry, I'm far beyond that now.” Dean finished. Cas didn't complain. “Cas, oh-...” He gasped before he chuckled, causing Cas to chuckle too.

“kiss me.” He added and Cas finally obliged and kissed him, receiving a satisfied moan from Dean that went straight to his dick. Dean kissed him deeply, pushing his tongue in his mouth, brushing his hand through his hair, nails scratching over his scalp before he softly pulled at his hair, causing Cas to expose his neck.

He started to kiss and lick and nip at his neck while he gently pushed him over to the bed, letting them both fall down onto the soft fabric of the sheets. Cas automatically curled his legs around Dean's waist, continuing to rock his hips upward and Dean bit his neck in response.

“Ah, Dean!” Cas moaned and chuckled when Dean leaned up a little. “Sorry.” He said and kissed him on the lips. “I could eat you up right now.” He softly bit Cas' lower lip.

“Don't do that.” Cas breathed and they both chuckled.

“You're _so_ amazing.” Dean repeated, just like earlier that day. Just as he started to fiddle on the buttons on Cas' jeans. He hovered above Cas, their lips just a few inches apart while the noises of their gasps filled the room. Cas' hands shook when he started to remove Dean's jeans. Dean nearly dropped himself on top of Cas, kissing his neck again, biting his earlobe, while he shoved his jeans down.

Cas chuckled, causing Dean to stop moving for a second.

“What is it, baby?” He said and Cas gently kissed him, causing Dean to run his hand through his hair again.

“It's just...” He started and bit his lower lip. “my first time.” He finished and Dean chuckled before kissing his neck again, letting his hands roam down over Cas' body, to his hips and back up to his chest. His hands were warm, lightly shuddering in excitement and anticipation.

“Your first time what?” Dean whispered and started to rock his hips down harder, making Cas moan in response. “I didn't do anything yet.” Dean gasped before running his warm tongue along his neck.

“You're driving me insane.”

“That's not what you wanted to say.”

Dean rocked down again, feeling Cas' fingers dig into his shoulders.

“Tell me what you want, Cas.” He whispered in his ear and softly bit his earlobe. Cas moaned and bucked his hips up in response. Cas was doubting whether to say what he was thinking or not. Whether he wanted to express it or not. _If he really wanted Dean to know that he was a freaking 27 year old virgin._

“I'll give you anything you want. I'll do anything for you, baby.” He said and his hands roamed down again, teasing along the hem of Cas' boxers, sliding his finger over the length of his dick.

“Dean-..”

“ _Anything.”_

_“Fuck me.”_

Dean chuckled again and just continued on what he was doing, his teasing changed into stroking, he leaned down again, ran his other hand through his hair, softly pulling at it to expose Cas' neck again.

“Dean-..”

_“Cute little virgin.”_ Dean mumbled and he huffed out a laugh before he gently bit his neck. Cas laughed and gasped this time, not pulling away. He knew that his neck would be full of hickeys and bruises because Dean was eager.

His hands brushed down over Dean's back, into his jeans, which were half undone. Dean pulled them down, along with Cas', leaving both their jeans discarded, somewhere next to the bed.

Cas’ hands roamed back up, to clench into Deans shoulders, his heart pounding hard in his chest. Dean took his hands and pinned them down to the mattress.

“Relax.” He whispered, giving him a soft and slow kiss before letting his hands brush down again.

He could calm him down, _even now?_ Even after what he's asked him? Cas didn't know why he asked him that, but his mind wasn't clear and _oh, how bad he wanted it._

He felt how fast Dean's heart was beating, he heard it in his shivery breath, how much he wanted this. How much he wanted _Cas._ But he would take it easy. He was about to lose control but he didn't _for Cas._ And Cas suddenly felt so special.

Dean gently pulled Cas' boxers down, revealing his erection. He hovered just above Cas, kissing his chest while removing his own boxers, dropping them both off the bed, with their jeans. He kissed his way down, keeping his eyes on Cas', causing him to chuckle, even if he was nervous as fuck. Why would he feel so nervous. This was _Dean! For fuck's sake._  

Maybe that was the reason he felt nervous. Because it was Dean. _It sure as hell doubled the pleasure._

Dean went down and down and down before he positioned himself between Cas' legs. Dean chuckled back at him and it was just then Cas realized that Dean had a bottle of lube in his hands.

“Where did you get that?”

“I'm full of surprises.”

They both chuckled before Dean briefly stroked the inside of Cas' thigh, hinting that he had to spread his legs and Cas obliged. Dean took all his time to let Cas adjust.

Cas' chest was heaving, he stared up to the ceiling and had to count to 10 to calm himself down. He only reached 6 before he felt Dean's finger inside him and his warm hand wrapped around his dick.

“Oh, god.” Cas let out in a moan before looking down to find Dean with a smirk on his face.

“You're adorable.”

“Shut uhhh-...” Cas managed, being cut off when Dean took him into his mouth, flicking his tongue over the head.

Dean was so concentrated, bobbing down whilst softly pushing his finger into him at the same rhythm, slowly stretching him open.

Cas was softly gasping, his hands clinging to the bedsheets while Dean sucked him off _again._ He added another finger and bended them which caused Cas to moan again.

“Fuck!” He moaned and Dean smiled around his dick.

“You like that?” Dean whispered when he slowly came back up, repositioning himself between Cas' legs, one on each side of his waist.  
“Yeah” Cas' voice was shaky, his fingers were shuddering around the bed sheets, clenching and loosening before they found Dean's hot skin.

His head was spinning and before he knew, Dean was panting in front of him, wrapping his hand around his own dick, slick with lube and pre-come. Cas couldn't get his eyes of him for a single second and Dean chuckled. He leaned back up to kiss him and slid his dick along his rim. He could feel Cas flinch underneath him and he pulled away, looking longingly into his eyes.

“Ready?” Dean asked and Cas nodded hastily. “Are you sure?” He asked. Dean was a big soft teddybear. He wanted the best for Cas.

“Yes!” Cas panted and with that, Dean slowly pushed in. Cas' expression changed and his back lightly arched from the bed.

“Ah, damn.” Cas panted and hissed at the feeling of Dean inside him.

“Sorry.” Dean said and he took a moment to let Cas adjust. They both chuckled, Cas felt so awkward but he was so grateful for Dean.

Cas nodded as a hint for Dean to go on and he did, placing a kiss on his forehead before pushing in again. Cas groaned again and clenched his fingers on Dean's shoulders.

“You good?” Dean wanted to make sure he didn't hurt him.

“Yeah-..” Cas panted, his voice cracking. “ _So good.”_  He finished, one hand running through Dean's hair as he started to move.

 

Dean placed chaste kisses on his neck and collarbone, making Cas gasp. He was still moving slowly but his breathing became shivery, his gasps shaky and his hands began to grasp in Cas' hair.

“Dean-...” Cas gasped into his ear and Dean winced.

“Don't do that.” Dean said as he pushed in again.

“What-...”

“I'm on... the verge... of losing control,” Dean began in between thrusts.

“Don't say my name like that.” He finished, moaning into Cas' ear. Cas closed his eyes at the sound of it.

“Dean.” He repeated and felt Dean's hands grasp in his hair again and he pushed in deeper this time, causing Cas to moan loud.

“I'm... warning you.”

_But Cas was provoking him. He wanted this. He wanted so much more._

“Oh, Dean!” He moaned, deliberately. Dean could hear it in his voice.

“Little shit, you are.” Dean mumbled and he leaned up, grabbing Cas' wrists and pinning them down on the bedsheets.

“You're provoking me.” He said before he started to move faster, letting Cas' wrists go and grabbing his legs to get more grip. He started to fuck into him in a faster rhythm, leaving the both of them gasping, the bed softly creaking with every move.

“You... want me to.” Dean moaned and he leaned down to kiss Cas, dragging his moans out of him, swallowing them as he sped up. Cas arched his back off the bed, his hands in Dean's hair again, pulling him closer to deepen their kiss.

“Dean!” Cas repeated, this time not to provoke him. His mind was spinning and his vision began to blur as he came closer to the edge, he wrapped his hand around his dick and began to move in rhythm with Dean's thrusts. Dean smirked at him just as he hit a certain delicate spot that made Cas moan in a way that sent shivers down Dean's spine. He wasn't going to last either.

It only took 3 more thrusts before they both hit the bliss of release, both coming hard. Panting and riding them through their orgasms before Dean dropped himself on top of Cas.

“C-Cas, I love you!” He said as the aftershocks were still making his body tremble. He panted, kissing his neck. _“I love you.”_ He repeated, his voice was hoarse and his breath was heavy. He pulled out and buried his face in the crook of Cas' neck.

“I love you so damn much!” He whispered against his neck as he felt Cas' hand brushing through his hair, his legs lowering.

“I love you too.” Cas said, his voice still wasn't steady.

Dean felt so satisfied.

They just laid there for a while, their hands entangled. Cas savored the moment. Having Dean so close to him. He was unsure about it at first but he knew it for sure now.

He loved Dean.

He loved Dean with everything he had.

-

 

“Dean...” He said after 30 minutes. Dean didn't reply and Cas chuckled to himself. Cas felt like they were a mess of sweat and cum but still Dean fell asleep on top of him.

It was 3 am and Cas decided to get some sleep too. He didn't care about it. They would care about it in the morning.

 

**December 25 th, 2002**

 

“It's Christmas, dude!” Sam said through the phone when he received a grumpy 'WHAT' from his older brother on the other end and Dean chuckled then. Cas lied down next to him, they finally had the king-sized bed they always wanted. They moved into a little house at the east of Kansas at the beginning of November. It was perfect for them, Dean had enough space to keep his camera and his equipment and Cas had his own room for his art. And the best part of it all, their bedroom had a balcony. It was in the middle of a crowded street but they were content with it. Especially because it was cheap and easy to customize.

“Alright alright, you wanna celebrate Christmas? Fine. But I don't do presents.” Dean growled through the phone and Cas snorted next to him. “Grumpy old man.” He whispered and he received a glare from Dean.

“Okay, can we come to your place? Can Jess come too?”

“Of course, dumb ass, why do you always ask?” Dean replied with a chuckle. Cas nestled his face into the crook of Dean's neck as soon as they ended their call.

“Is there snow?” He said, his voice barely audible. Dean brushed his hand through his black hair and sighed happily.

“Why don't you go look for yourself?” Dean said, not wanting to come out of bed. Cas chuckled and looked up at Dean.

“Grumpy old-..” His words were cut off by Dean's lips on his.

“Don't you dare to finish that sentence.”

“man.” Cas finished and he nearly jumped out of bed before Dean followed him.

“Who are you calling a grumpy old man, huh?” Dean said as Cas opened the curtains in a hurry.

“Look! Dean. It did snow” He said, half laughing, trying to escape from Dean.

“Oh that's unfortunate for you, baby.” Dean threatened and he grabbed Cas tight and took him with him.

“Dean, we're in our boxers” Cas giggled but Dean didn't care very much and dragged him onto the balcony. Bare feet touched the cold snow, shivery gasps escaped their mouths but Dean didn't let go of Cas.

“What did you call me?” Dean said, grabbing a bit of snow from the table.

“No, no, no, no, Dean-..” Cas giggled as Dean placed his wet cold hand on his belly.

“You fucker!” Cas said, his voice high pitched and he struggled loose. “You fucker!” He repeated and he formed a ball of snow and grabbed Dean's arm. “Cas!” Dean warned him and grabbed Cas' other arm so he couldn't throw his snowball. They were standing across from each other, pulling and pushing, holding each others arms till Dean slipped and fell into the snow, Cas landing on top of him.

Dean held his breath for a few seconds before letting it out in a high pitched gasp.

“Fucking cold!” He said as his arms got pinned down onto the slippery wood and his lips were covered with Cas' warm lips. He kissed him gently and ran his hand through Dean's wet hair.

“Payback.”

“Shut up.” Dean laughed and kissed him again.

Dean never really was a fan of Christmas but since he was with Cas, it was like everything changed. He felt like he had a reason to celebrate it. He only didn't see any value in the presents. He didn't feel the need to actually celebrate it big.   
-

 

“Hey, come in!” Dean said when he opened the door for his brother and Jess. They both wore hats and scarfs and their shoes were all covered with snow.

“Hey, what did you two do? Your hair's all wet.” Sam asked as he took his scarf off.

“Snow.” Dean grumbled and Cas laughed at him.

“I won.” He said and poked Dean, causing him to jump. Dean wasn't even ticklish but he loved the small giggle that Cas let out when Dean jumped from his poke.

“You didn't! I slipped”

“Five-year-olds.” Sam said and shook his head.

Cas was excited about Christmas and he even decorated a Christmas tree. Dean rolled his eyes but simply let him because Cas was adorable. Cas was his everything.

He vlogged that morning, with the Christmas tree on the background. A Christmas hat pinned to the cat, which it disapproved of. And that's how Cas always managed to get little scratches on his hands. Dean would shake his head afterward, when Cas came to Dean and told him that the cat had scratched him again.     

Now that Sam and Jess were there, they would 'celebrate' it together. “Nice what you've done with the place! I like it!” Sam said and Dean decided to show everything. They ended up on the balcony, Cas with his still bare feet in the snow.

“You really got a nice place together.” Sam told them and they were aware.

They really had.   
-

 

Dean told him that he didn't do presents but Cas didn't care, he had presents.

“Okay, Dean, you first!” Cas said, they sat on the couch, fireplace on, Cas even turned the music on, he was really serious about Christmas.

Cas saw Dean's grumpy face and placed a Christmas hat on his head.

“I'm starting to grow so tired of your shit.” Dean said and he snorted at Cas' expression.

“Shut up and grab a present.” He said, receiving a fake bitch face.

“You two are made for each other.” Jess said and the guys laughed.

“Okay so, presents. Because I emphatically told him that I didn't do presents.”

“ _You_ don't have to. _I_ did.” Cas threw back and received a glare from Dean before he started to unwrap his big present. After the first wrap of paper he already saw what it was and his eyes widened. Cas had the most adorable smile on his face.

“No way...” He said, fully unwrapping it. “You bought me a fucking tripod?”

Dean told Cas that he had no tripod for his camera the other day.

“No way!”

“Yes I did.” Cas said and Dean pulled him in for a hug.

“Awh. Look at the man who doesn't do presents.” Sam said ironically.

“Shut up and grab a present.” Dean said to Sam, using Cas' words to his brother.

They celebrated it together and Dean kinda felt bad that he didn't have a present for Cas. He didn't know that Cas actually bought presents. Sam and Jess also bought presents.  
-

 

“What would you like to have for Christmas, Cas?” Dean asked, avoiding a snowball, almost slipping _again._ Sam and Jess were gone and Anna came over and 'suggested' a snowball fight, by randomly throwing snowballs.

Cas already formed a new snowball and suddenly got hit by Anna. His mouth fell open and he tried to look offended. “How dare you?” He said and she ran away. “Make sure you don't...” Cas said but Anna slipped before he could finish his sentence. “Never mind. You okay?”

“Yeah, don't worry!” She yelled back and right then, Dean slipped too and Cas started laughing.

“Got you both on the ground without even doing anything!” Cas said before being hit again, this time a snowball from Dean, who dropped his head in the snow after that and started making snow angels.

Cas dropped down on top of him, receiving a groan from Dean. “I got everything I could ever dream of, right here.” Cas said and nudged Dean's nose with his own before he went up and helped Dean up as well. “I love you, Dean.” Cas whispered and placed his cold hands on Dean's cheeks, holding him, softly pulling him towards him.

“I love you too.” Dean leaned in and they softly kissed before Anna threw a snowball to both of them and they pulled away.

“There's a girl in your presence, lovebirds.”

“And that girl just hit me with a snowball!” Cas yelled back and they started chasing each other.

“That girl is going down!” Dean yelled and he also started running.

Dean was pretty sure that they would fall again, they would slip again. But he didn't really care.

They had fun. It was like reliving a part of your childhood. Dean never celebrated Christmas like this. Not as a child, not as an adult. But he couldn't be more happy that Cas actually did it.

 

This was the best Christmas ever.


	5. Chapter 5

**December 27 th, 2002**

 

“What are you doing?” A voice called out from downstairs. Dean was on the attic, hiding a present he bought for Cas.

“Uh, nothing! What? Why?” Dean was a terrible liar and he shut his eyes closed and slammed his forehead with his palm as he heard Cas coming up.

Dean barely had enough time to hide the belated Christmas present from him. He wanted to give it to him on new-years eve.

“Hey, what's in all those boxes even?” Cas said and grabbed a box. “I know we put them here but I don't even know what's in it.” He said. He sat on his knees next to Dean.

Dean raised his eyebrows. Cas was very curious and easily distracted.

He opened a box with photo books and old stuff from Dean. Some of the books were very old, others were a little newer.

Dean swallowed thickly and clenched his jaw as he saw which box he picked. Cas had a smile on his face when he saw the pictures.

“You were adorable!” He said and Dean smiled then. A broken smile.

“Why is this one torn in half?” Cas said. He had a picture of Dean and a blonde woman in his hands and-... “Oh...” He said silently when he looked over at Dean. Dean looked down in his lap, he didn't show one single emotion.  “Dean-..”

“Don't mention it.” Dean said to cut him off, he had a kind smile on his face.

Cas put the photo book back and some kind of a lullaby started playing.

“Whoa.” Cas said and lifted the book again and found a little music box.

He took it out. It was a square box with a bit of dust on it and it played 'carry on my wayward son' as a lullaby.

“There it was!” Dean said and took it from Cas.

 

“You lost it?”

“No, I knew it was somewhere but I didn't know in which box!” Dean said and brushed his hands over it.

“My mom used to play this when I couldn't sleep. She would sing the lyrics with it.” He said and he looked at it, trying to keep himself together.

“It's one of the few things that survived the fire.” He said and he smiled.

“I'm so glad I found it back.” He said and Cas patted his shoulder.

“ _I_ found it back, and I love it.” Cas said with a light chuckle. “It sounds so peaceful. It's kind of inspiring.”

Dean smiled at him.

Cas always managed to make everything better. He couldn't be sad or pessimistic with Cas around him. He simply couldn't.

Cas was a ray of sunshine.  
-

 

It was an hour later and Dean made them coffee. “Shall we go to the park today?” Cas said as he got his cup of coffee. Dean frowned at him.

“But it's cold and it's raining.” He growled.

“Yeah, I love the rain.”

Dean chuckled.

“I thought you were an optimist.”

“Yes, I optimistically walk through the rain while everybody keeps nagging about it and wish for the sun. Am I an optimist or not?”

“You'll get sick.”

“Yeah, that happens.”

_Anyhow, we went to the park that day._

_Because Cas was crazy and adorable and weird and he was amazingly optimistic about something I hated the most._

-

 

“I didn't expect it to rain so hard!” Cas said as they ran through it, looking for shelter, they just arrived at the park and they were soaked.

“Good thing you got a pessimist by your side, I fucking hate rain! _I hate it!_ ” Dean said and Cas laughed loudly. The rain was very audible and they had to raise their voices as they spoke. They ran through puddles and down the streets, out of the park.

“I hate rain! I hate wind! I hate cold!” Dean said and Cas laughed even harder. Dean couldn't help but laugh too. “I guess you'll need to teach me how to love it.”

“Just _try_ for starters!” Cas said and they ran into a parking lot- the parking lot of the flat of Dean's old room- and they stopped running. They were both breathing heavily.

“Look at us.” Dean said while still catching his breath. Cas couldn't stop laughing.  “We're such dorks!”

“This was _your_ idea!” Dean said and Cas kissed him. Dean chuckled as they pulled away. He shook his head.

“Let's go home!”

 

**December 31 st, 2002**

 

_It was the last day of the year and I've never been so proud in my life. I've never felt that good in my life, ever. I was so happy with Cas. My Cas._

_We would end the year with Sam, Jess and Anna. We were a family._

_All my dreams fulfilled._

 

“What's the time?” Cas asked. He was so excited.

“10”

It was 2 hours before midnight and Sam and Jess would arrive in a few minutes. There was champagne and snacks, the stereo was on, they would celebrate it like a family. The rain stopped after that one day and the temperature changed very fast. It was snowing that day and not just a little bit.

“It's cold outside.” Dean said just to tease Cas because he knew how he would react.

“Ah, shut up!” Cas said and Dean laughed.

–

 

Sam and Jess arrived, Anna arrived soon after and the laughs already ensued. They had the champagne before 12. It was just about 10:30 and they decided to play truth or dare together. They sat in a loose circle. Cas and Dean on one couch, Sam and Jess on the couch across from them and Anna on a chair next to both couches.

It started with simple truth questions such as 'what's a bad habit you don't want to share?' or dares as 'wish your neighbors a happy new-year' but the mood changed quickly when they had just a little too much alcohol.

Dean chuckled as he saw this side of Cas he never saw before.

“Okay, okay! Dean!” Cas said and he got their attention, they were quiet and the music filled the room.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” He answered, a beer in his hand, his shoulders were shaking a little bit because he could barely stop laughing at Cas' expression. He was drunk and his nose was red.

Dean had to admit that he was a little drunk too.

“Guilty pleasure!” Cas said and stole Dean's beer. He didn't even like beer.

“In what way?” Dean asked him and he raised his eyebrows.  “Sexual.” Cas said without even hesitating and Sam groaned playfully while the rest cheered a little.

“You're embarrassing me.” Dean said and they all laughed.

“Okay, you really want to know?”

“Yes!”

“Your dick against mine.” Dean said and stole his beer back. Everybody cheered and laughed and Dean shook his head, looking down a little bit, trying to hide his blush.

“Now it's my turn to burn you back, you know that right?” Dean said and Cas narrowed his eyes.

“Anna.” Dean said and she looked shocked. Cas frowned a little. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” She said. Barely audible.

“Hah!” Dean huffed a laugh. “Kiss him.”

Everybody yelled 'ooh' and Anna shyly laughed. “Only if he wants to!”

“Anna, I'm beyond caring and I'll stay gay forever.” Cas said and Anna shrugged before taking a sip from the bottle of champagne.

“Friendly reminder that this is something I wanted to do for a long time.” She said before she kissed him and everybody clapped and cheered. Anna chuckled against his lips. The kiss was surprisingly passionate and Dean knew that was because Cas was so drunk.

“You're a good kisser.” He told her when they pulled away. “Thank you!” She laughed.

Cas turned to Dean and gave him a sloppy kiss on the lips, he tasted like alcohol. “You're still my favorite.” He whispered in Dean's ear and Dean laughed.

They filled the evening with weird conversations, laughs and a very good time. This was how you were supposed to fill your new year's eve.

As a family.  
-

 

It was 2 minutes before midnight and they were almost about to count down. Cas was starting to get a little more sober. They were all still a little tipsy. They were all outside on the balcony, in the snow.

Dean had Cas in his arms, his warm body against him, his arms wrapped around him from behind.

“Here comes the count down.” He whispered in Cas' ear and Cas covered his hands with his own before they started counting.

_We counted from 10 to 1. There was a lot of noise but it seemed to be quiet when I thought about it. Cas and I hit the new year together and before I knew, the sky was filled with fireworks, people were cheering, Cas turned around in my arms, he kissed me and I was off the world. I maybe was a cheesy son of a bitch but that moment was special for me._

_Cas was mine and I was his and I couldn't even remember my life without him._

_He was everything I ever needed._

 

**2003 New Years Day**

 

_I clearly remember that day, mainly because I woke up with a slight headache. Cas was still asleep, he was snoring, that happened when he had too much alcohol. My heart was beating in my head and it hurt. I remember it was still snowing and I also remember that it was 3 pm when we woke up._

Dean stretched his body and Cas woke up with a groan. “Good morning sleeping beauty.” Dean said and got another groan in response.

 

“Is it still morning?” Cas asked, his voice was a little hoarse and he cleared his throat.

“No it's around 3.”

“Oh my god.” Cas replied and he turned around to face Dean. “Was I drunk?” He asked and Dean chuckled.

“Yes.” He chuckled.

“How drunk?”

“You kissed Anna.” Dean said and Cas' eyes widened, causing Dean to laugh harder. “We played truth or dare, don't worry.” Dean said and Cas laughed too this time.

The first day of the new year. Time flew by.

It was just about 2 weeks or more before Sam's wedding.

-

 

_I totally forgot about the present I bought for Cas. I wanted to give it to him but he was drunk and I was tipsy and we fell asleep and... circumstances, circumstances, circumstances._

_I decided to do it that day._

-

 

“You had enough coffee?” Dean said, walking into the kitchen, finding Cas with his head on the table, a mug in his hands, he groaned in response and he lightly shook his head.

“You want more?”

He nodded, causing Dean to laugh and he got him more coffee.

“You know what I bought you?” Dean said and got a weird look from Cas. Dean turned around and went into the kitchen with a smile on his face.

“What?”

“Come and get it.”

_Our kitchen had a wall between the actual kitchen and the kitchen table, so he couldn't see it yet and that was my plan, make him walk. Probably get him sulky._

 

“God, Dean, I'm-...” Cas walked to the kitchen, his hand in his hair, one eye closed, as if he was dying from a hangover.

_Told ya._

His eyes widened when he walked in and Dean filmed him with a brand new camera.

“Hi folks. This is Dean speaking.” Dean said while filming Cas up and down. “This is Cas with a hangover and this is the first time he meets Dave.”

 

“Dave?”

“Your new camera!”

_I can never forget the smile he had on his face, I can never forget the inhuman sounds he made, as if it cured his hangover._

“Why! Why did you do this?”

“Because you deserve it.” Dean said. “Because I love you.” He continued and Cas squinted, looking up, as if he was thinking very deeply.

“Because my hair is black.”

“Exactly! That's it. That's the reason!”

They both laughed.

“I wanted it to be a surprise. I said I didn't do presents but I felt so bad and well, here I am.” Dean said and he shrugged before handing Dave over to Cas.

“Why did you call it Dave?”

“I don't know. I'm crazy? I thought it looked like a Dave.”

Cas placed his hand on his forehead, causing Dean to laugh, he steadied his camera and filmed them both. Dean waved happily.

“So, Dean bought me a camera!” Cas said, trying to stay serious when he felt Dean's arms around his waist and his hot breath in his neck.

“Because I love you.” He whispered and Cas laughed and shrugged.

“Because he loves me.”

 

**January 16 th, 2003**

"Good morning sunshine." Dean grumbled as he woke up next to the love of his life.

 Cas had his eyes closed but he softly snorted when he noticed Dean was awake. Dean kissed his chin and then Cas opened his eyes.

"Good morning gorgeous." Cas said. Dean shifted a little closer and kissed him on the lips. "Today, 4 months ago, we kissed for the first time." Dean mumbled and kissed him again. Cas hummed.

  
"You were an asshole." Cas said and dean chuckled

"You were playing hard to get."

They kissed again, Cas softly smiling against his lips.

"But look at us now." Dean whispered.

Cas brushed his fingers through Dean's hair and his hands started exploring every inch of Dean's body. Softly trailing down over his chest, his stomach, over his hips and he kissed him again. Dean's body softly started trembling by the feeling of Cas' cold fingertips on his body and he started mirroring his actions. They deepened their kiss, Dean slightly shifted closer, curling his leg around one of Cas'. There was no space between them. Just like Dean wanted it.

He wanted to be as close to him as possible. Cas was his. And he wanted him to know that.

Cas started kissing Dean's neck, making him gasp while his own hands trailed lower until he reached what he was aiming for.

Cas let out a groan when Dean's hand started rubbing Cas' already hard cock.

“How much time do we have” Cas gasped against his neck and he softly bit his earlobe.

“Ah, thirty-..” Dean gasped as Cas started grinding against his hard on, taking his breath away. “Thirty minutes” Dean continued. “We have to shower, eat, dress prope-.. Fuck!” Dean moaned and started grinding back, hard, causing Cas to moan as well.

“Shower?” Cas suggested and Dean nodded fast, softly biting his lower lip.

“Yeah!-.. oh, _fuck_ yes!”

They both got up and made their way to the bathroom, half stumbling, crashing their lips together while walking, till Dean lifted Cas.

Cas' legs curled around Dean's waist as he took him to the bathroom and put him down onto the sink, Cas' legs were still around him as Dean kissed and licked and nipped at his neck again.

“Cas-..” Dean breathed and Cas was still surprised when Dean used his name in any kind of way. Its been so many months but he still called him 'baby' more than his real name.

Dean's hands smoothed over his abdomen and down to Cas' boxers. He buried his face in Cas' neck as he pulled his boxers down.

Dean was already panting. Already gasping for air. Cas did this. _Only Cas could drive him crazy like this._

“I wanna-” Dean started but lost his mind soon after that and he sharply exhaled and brushed his hand through Cas' black hair. “.. god-..Cas-.. I'm gonna fuck you” Dean moaned, his voice was shaky, slightly high pitched. Dean started stroking him as Cas hastily tried to pull Dean's boxers down as well. He breathed a laugh and took Dean's cock out of his boxers as well. Dean hissed at the feeling of Cas' always cold hands around his dick. The thought of it alone was already driving him insane.

“Cas-..” He repeated. But Cas was already reaching for the cabinet next to the sink as he finished his plea.

He _wanted_ Dean to fuck him. He wanted to feel Dean inside him. He wanted to close his eyes and scream his name as he would come on his chest.

_30 minutes._

Cas gave Dean the little bottle of liquid he just managed to grab out of the cabinet and he gave Dean a nod. Dean took the bottle from him and kissed him hard.

Next thing Cas knows it that Dean's finger was inside him. He moaned through Dean as he started moving and quickly added a second lubed finger. It was rough and fast as they didn't have much time.

Cas groaned at the feeling of Dean slipping his fingers out. He felt the head of Dean's cock running along his rim and it was enough to make his head spin. Dean was Cas' drug and he made him _high._

“You sure, baby?” Dean gasped as they pressed their foreheads together. Dean would always ask him. Even after so many times. He would still ask Cas for permission.

Cas, however, had forgotten how to speak, and could only nod.

Dean buried his face in his neck and pushed in.

One hundred thoughts were shattered as Dean pushed into Cas. Cas couldn't help but moan as Dean was fully sheathed inside him.

“God-...” he managed, his voice crackled as Dean started moving. It hurt a little bit in the beginning but he knew it would be replaced with pleasure in a few seconds.

And that happened _soon_.

 

Cas placed his hands on Dean's ass and pulled him closer with every thrust. Dean's torso was completely against Cas' as he was keeping him a little bit upright. Dean was softly gasping things in his ears.

“Cas-..” He gasped. “You're _so_ fucking tight” He gasped. “Gonna make you come so hard” He gasped.

He would tell him all kinds of dirty things as he fucked deep into Cas. Dean would do anything to pleasure him. He knew exactly where all his pleasure spots were. He had explored Cas' body quite a few times now and he couldn't get enough of him.

Cas nearly lost it when Dean finally hit that one delicate pleasure spot. He started aiming for it, hitting his prostate with every thrust, making Cas moan louder. His pleas became shivery and almost breathless. Almost soundless. He was _so_ far gone.

He closed his eyes and dug his nails into Dean's skin as the pleasure in his groin started to burn up again. Dean made his head spin and spin and spin around till everything turned into that wonderful bliss of pleasure, _pure pleasure._

“Dean” He moaned and Dean hummed, speeding up his pace. He was utterly amused by the pleas he received from his lover.

“Touch me-..” Cas begged and Dean was happy to oblige as if he was waiting for Cas to beg. He took his cock in his hand and started stroking in rhythm with his thrusts.

“That good, baby?” Dean said, his voice hoarse and barely a whisper.

“G-Good! Yeah, so good! D-.. Dean, I'm coming” Cas moaned.  “Fuck, I'm coming” He repeated.

And then he was. Spurting his load onto his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut and cried Dean's name one more time. It was all Dean needed to come as well, causing him to gasp.

He fucked his orgasm into Cas and Cas groaned as he felt Dean coming hard inside him. He buried his face in Castiel's neck again and he chuckled.

“That was amazing” He gasped when he caught his breath and Cas nodded. It was.

He kissed Dean's hair, it was sticky but he couldn't care less.

-

 

“We didn't even make it to the shower” Cas said.

Dean chuckled and started soaping Cas' back.

“We did, eventually”  They both laughed and Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, resting his head on his shoulder.

“I love you.” Dean whispered and Cas covered Dean's hands with his own, tangling their fingers together.

“I love you too.”

-

 

“Only 5 minutes left! Fuck!” Dean said and he rushed into his bedroom to get his suit. It was Sam's weddings day. They had to be fast now.

“30 minutes can go fast!” He said and almost stumbled when he tried to pull his trousers up. Cas was almost fully dressed already though he had to fix his hair, but even that went fast compared to Dean.

“How do you do that?” Dean said as he slapped Cas' ass.

“What?” Cas replied in a laugh.

“Being perfect” Dean replied as he tried to fix his tie. Cas snorted at the sight.

“C'mere” Cas said and he fixed his tie for him. Dean smiled at him the whole time.

“Don't seduce me, Dean Winchester. We have to be quick.”  He said but couldn't help giving him a kiss on the lips and they both chuckled.  
-  
  
They quickly drove to Sam's house, where the whole place was decorated. They did that the day before. They decorated it together, their uncle Bobby helped, as well as Jess' mom.  
-

 

Of course Dean's Impala was going to be the wedding car. _Of course_. It was a classic. He had the flowers perfectly fixed on the hood of the car and he hit the klaxon when he was waiting in front of Sam's house.

A very excited, very happy, very sparkling Sam came out and Dean smiled at the sight. He wore a dark gray suit with a dark red tie and it fitted him perfectly “Get in, lill' brother, you gotta pick up some chick” Dean said and Sam rolled his eyes. He sat in the backseat and they drove towards Jess' house. “You two look fancy” Sam said and Cas turned around in his seat. “What?” Cas said and raised his eyebrows.

“look at _you_! You're the happy groom here. _YOU_ look fancy.” Cas said and Sam blushed a little bit.

 

They drove for a few minutes till Cas' stomach started growling. Dean snorted as his own started to growl as well. Sam frowned and Dean saw it in the mirror.

 “What is it, Sammy?” He said.

“Didn't you guys eat?” He asked and Cas smiled too now.

“Yeah, well. We _wanted_ to.” Cas said and Sam's eyes widened.

“Why didn't you guys eat!?” Sam asked, his voice raised.

“We had... _'things_ ' to do.” Dean said.

“Oh god.. never mind! You guys are gross.” Sam said and both Dean and Cas laughed as Dean grabbed Cas' hand. Cas blushed a little bit and tangled their fingers together.

-

 

They arrived at Jess' house, which they also decorated. Dean honked as Sam already got out of the car, he rolled his eyes and walked to the door. Jess came out and her dress was just gorgeous. It was perfect for her.  The dress was perfectly made for her figure, everything about her was beautiful. She was glamorous and her hair fell nicely down her shoulders. She looked so happy when Sam walked up to her.

Dean and Cas were looking as they walked up to each other. Sam was much taller than Jess was but how was it even possible to be as tall as him. He softly brushed his hands over her waist and he kissed her.

Dean smiled proudly. “That's my boy.” he said as he shot a few pictures.

Sam and Jess had asked him to take pictures. His work was professional and he knew exactly what they wanted to see in their pictures.

They went outside to take some more pictures.

“Hey, don't mind me, just be cute together.” Dean said and Jess rolled her eyes and smiled.

Dean made a lot of pictures that day. He'd make it into a book for them. Some beautiful moments aren't there to be forgotten. Some moments have to be saved in our memories. Some memories belonged on a piece of paper.

This day was one of these memories.

-

 

Dean had been driving them from place to place that day. Sam and Jess had received a lot of gifts and they celebrated it big. Jess' family was there, as well as Bobby.

“So this is your new project?” Bobby asked Dean. Dean looked at the ground and smiled, a little blush on his face before he barely audible said “Yeah...”

Cas laughed and introduced himself.

“I'm Castiel.” He said and shook his hand.

“How did you know that I'm Dean's project? Because it was kinda hard for him to get me.” Cas said and Dean nudged his arm. Bobby laughed and they had a long talk together.

-

 

 Dean sat next to Sam at the party and he was constantly staring over at Cas. Smiling when he smiled, even if he didn't know what the conversation was about. He was talking to Bobby so mostly he had nothing to do with it, he just couldn't get his eyes off him. He took a sip from his beer and then noticed that Sam was smiling at him.

“What.” Dean said. He always said that to Sam. Always in that kind of 'what are you looking at' tone.

“You're _so_ in love.” Sam said and Dean blushed again, causing Sam to “No, Dean, look at you! You love him so much, you can't even get your eyes off him.”

Of course Sam saw that. Sam was his brother, he saw how Dean felt. He saw it in his face.

“I never found someone like Cas before, Sam.”

“You're so cheesy.”

 

“Apparently I am.”  
-

 

It was 2 am when Dean dropped Sam and Jess at what was Sam's house before. It was their house now. They would live there together.

“It was a great day-..” Dean said as he shortly looked at his right and saw Cas leaning his head to the glass, he fell asleep. Dean snorted and softly brushed his hand through his hair.

 

“It was a long day.”


	6. Chapter 6

**January 17 th, 2003**

 

It was 11am. It was sunny, the snow was gone. The sun was brightly shining into their bedroom.

Dean was still asleep. He was very tired after driving his just married brother and his wife everywhere, all day.

Cas lied down next to him, facing him. He played with his hair without saying a word. He just smiled.

Cas was so content, so happy. Dean made him happy. Everything that happened lately, made him happy. He wouldn't ever want to turn back to what his life was. Dean made his life complete. He was _so_ happy.

Dean's lips quirked into a smile but his eyes stayed closed. He didn't move.

This was one of those mornings they wanted to have for ever. Slowly waking up next to each other. Next to the one they loved. Knowing that they wouldn't leave each other for a life time.

Knowing that the one that was the world for him, was always next to him. To hold him, to touch him, to kiss him, _to love him._

They loved these kind of mornings.

“Bacon and eggs?” Dean murmured as he lazily opened his eyes and stared into Cas' blue ones. Cas smiled at him as his hand lowered, tracing his fingers over the freckles on his face, down to the stubble on his chin.

“You're so perfect.” Cas whispered and Dean blushed. “No, I'm not.” He replied and Cas kissed him.

“You _are_ for me.” Cas whispered. Dean smiled and they kissed again. “' _There's no such thing as perfect'”_ He quoted, using the same words as Cas did in the beginning. Cas snorted.

“I'd love some bacon and eggs a la Dean” Cas said, causing Dean to chuckle.

“Anything for you, baby.” Dean said. This started to sound like a cheesy rom com as they spoke.

Dean was the first to leave the bed so he could make them breakfast. Cas joined him in the kitchen soon after he got out.

-

 

“So, what's on the list for today?” Dean asked him while enjoying his third cup of coffee. Cas was still eating his breakfast while staring at his sketchbook in his lap. He had a pencil between his teeth as he looked up at Dean.

“I'm thinking.”

“Thinking about what?” Dean said and he placed his cup on the side table before he curled his hands around him from behind the couch and kissed his neck. Cas took his pencil out of his mouth and closed his eyes as Dean kissed him again and again, he knew how to distract Cas.

“Right now... you,” Cas said, he lowered his hands and melted into the tender touch. “nothing but you.” He whispered and Dean chuckled against his skin.

“What are you drawing, babe?” Dean asked and nudged his nose at Cas' ear while smoothing his hands over his chest.

“I _was_ thinking.” Cas said as he covered Dean's hands with his own. Dean chuckled and leaned back the slightest bit.

“Oh, I'm sorry” He whispered.

“I want to try something new, Dean” He said and he looked up at him, puppy eyes all set on him and Dean chuckled, arms resting on the backrest, one on each side of Cas' head and he looked right into his eyes. Cas blushed and smiled at him.

They just stayed like that for a while before Dean kissed his forehead.

“Draw me.” Dean whispered and Cas chuckled.

“I'd love to draw you, anytime.” Cas said and placed his hands on each side of Dean's face, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.

“You're beautiful.” He whispered. Dean still smiled at him, he couldn't get his eyes of Cas, just as Cas couldn't stop looking into his.

“So, we're going to the park today, after visiting Sam and Jess?”

 

“Definitely.”

-

 

"Where's your man!?" Dean said when he walked over the threshold after Jess opened the door for Dean and Cas.  
  
"I'm here." A voice came out of the kitchen.  
  
"Come here you lucky son of a bitch." Dean said and they both laughed as they hugged.  
He hugged Castiel as well.  
  
"Have a seat, I was just making some snacks."  
  
"You expecting more people at the time?" Dean asked as he and Cas took a seat on a brand new black couch. Jess and Sam nodded and they looked at the clock.

"So you guys fixed the whole place huh?" Dean asked.

 "Yes, there was a lot to be fixed." Jess said as she took a plate with snacks from Sam and set it on the table in front of the couch.  
  
Dean and Sam bought the house together a long time ago, and they lived there after the loss of their parents. But they went their separate ways and Dean ended in his own apartment.  
  
"It looks nice!" Cas said and Jess smiled politely. Jess and Cas had a lot in common, not mentioning the names, they could talk to each other for hours and that also happened that day.

Dean had a long talk with his brother, which had been a while.

Jess and Sam looked so happy together, Dean couldn't be any more proud of his little brother.  
-

 

It had been 2 hours and Dean and Cas were ready to leave.

"You're staying here?" Dean said teasingly as Cas still sat on the couch.

"No, my attempt at standing up failed." Cas said and that made Dean laugh and he helped him up.

"Thanks for coming guys!"  
  
"No problem!" They hugged as they were leaving.  
  
"Jess, you keep an eye on him" Dean said, eyebrows raised and Sam rolled his eyes as Dean and Cas walked out and waved one last time.  


**March 3 rd, 2003**

 

"Look at this! It's sunny, it's warm, hell, it's only March, you better enjoy it!" Dean said, waving his hands in the air and Cas laughed.

Cas couldn't get his eyes of Dean then. His happiness made Cas' heart skip a beat, made something inside him flutter, he was totally off the world. Dean took him to a whole different place and he never wanted to go away from there.

Dean was his world and he would show him everything.

He grabbed his hand, pulling him towards him and he kissed him. Dean melted into the kiss and he rested his hands on Cas' waist.  
  
"What was that for?" Dean said as they pulled away and stared into each others eyes.  
Cas shrugged and he smiled at Dean.  
  
"Dean, _you_ make me happy. I was always wondering about the weather. I was always thinking about the birds and their stories. But I never lived!" Cas started and he grabbed Dean's hands and tangled their fingers together. "You make me feel so alive" Cas whispered and he pressed his forehead to Dean's and closed his eyes.

“What's gotten into you?” Dean asked and smiled at him, brushing his fingers over Cas'.

"I just can't ever describe how much I love you." He whispered. Dean smiled but remained silent.

"Show me the world, Dean," Cas whispered and Dean remembered that he said that."marry me in Tokyo," He whispered and they both chuckled. "I love you!" He whispered.  
  
"I love you, I love you, I love you." He chanted and he squeezed Dean's hands.

They leaned back enough to see each other properly. Dean was blushing.  
  
"I'm going to show you the world, baby!" Dean said and he kissed Cas' forehead, as always. They both chuckled. It sounded like an unrealistic dream.

 

Love at first sight.

_'something only dreamers believe in.'_

 

**August 5 th, 2003**

 

“Happy birthday, baby!” Dean said as he climbed upon Cas to wake him up. Cas replied with a groan and he wiped his hands over his face.

 Dean smiled before he removed his hands and pinned them down into the mattress. He kissed his forehead and his nose and his cheeks before he leaned down and kissed his neck. Cas kept his eyes closed and just enjoyed it, emitting a small gasp as Dean's lips discovered all the delicate spots on his skin. Because Dean _knew_ all the delicate spots on his skin.

“This is your present for me?” Cas whispered and Dean laughed.

”You wish.”

Dean sat up again, still pinning Cas' wrists into the mattress.

“No” Dean whispered and he leaned in as Cas tried to kiss him but Dean teased him and leaned back. Cas let out a soft desperate moan causing Dean to chuckled and he bit his lip. He did the same again, making him struggle, till he bucked his hips up and Dean felt how hard he already was.

“Does that make you hard?” Dean whispered, he had a devilish smirk on his face. “Dean,” Cas gasped and his hips bucked up again, causing his clothed dick to rub against Dean's.

“kiss me already.” Cas said and Dean finally obliged and kissed him hard.

He had no moment to think before Cas' tongue was in his mouth and Dean responded right away, letting their tongues softly slide along their lips as they both made soft pleasurable noises. Dean didn't even know when he started to dry fuck Cas, but he sure as hell was enjoying it.

“Ah, Dean!” Cas moaned as he gripped Dean's hips and pressed him harder against him every time he rocked down. “What is it, baby?” Dean whispered against his ear. He ran his hand through his hair as he bucked down again and again.

"I want you." Cas whispered and Dean chuckled, rocking down again, slow and deliberate and teasing as fuck, pulling every ounce of breath out of his lover.

"You do?" He whispered and softly bit Cas' lower lip. Cas let out a shivery moan and his hands roamed over Dean's boxers. Cas couldn't answer. Dean took every ability of speaking away from him. He couldn't form words.

"Show me how much you want me, baby." Dean whispered in his ear and deliberately leaned his hips up so they won't touch. Cas was desperate for Dean's touch. _So_ desperate.

Decisions were quickly made and Cas rolled them over so he was on top, the bedsheets completely messed up in the roll but they couldn't care less.  
  
Cas didn't give him any time to adjust before he started to grind down again and muting Dean's moan with his lips. He smirked against his lips before he leaned up again, hovering above him.  
  
His hands teasingly started to trail up and down over his chest, his lower torso, his thighs, drawing little whimpers from him. Dean couldn't help smiling when he saw Cas' face. His eyes were full of lust, a little grin lingering on his lip, it was adorable and simultaneously so _so_ wrong.  
  
Cas kissed his chest, slowly traveling up and down over his body, trying to touch every inch of skin he could find while slowly rubbing his erection through his boxers. Cas opened his eyes which he didn't realized he'd closed. He looked up at Dean and was more than just satisfied to see that desperate look on his face.

He waited till he would see stars, till he would burst. Cas wanted to make him beg. Driving him so crazy that he would beg. He still rubbed him through the fabric that was sticky from Dean's pre-come. Dean closed his eyes and simply enjoyed.  
  
Cas had a little idea then. He didn't remember much from new years eve, but he sure remembered Dean's guilty pleasure. He slipped his hand inside Dean's boxers, causing him to gasp sharply. "Ah, yes," He breathed when Cas started stroking him a few times.

He took his own dick out of his boxers as well and took them both in one hand.

Dean's body squirmed under his touch. He had a blush on his face and Cas chuckled. He had him exactly where he wanted him.

Dean slowly started fucking up into Cas' hand and Cas started kissing his neck again, chuckling against his hot skin when Dean moaned again with every move. “Cas!” He moaned and ran his hand through Cas' hair. His favorite activity, playing with his hair. Cas could feel Dean's dick throb into his hand and Dean's breaths became shorter and sharper. He was so close so soon but he still wouldn't beg, or at least...

“Keep going baby, just like that... y-yeah” Dean suddenly gasped, his hands clinging onto Cas' back and his body started trembling. Cas decided to slow down and Dean let out one long gasp, searching for friction he couldn't get.

“Ah, now you're just teasing me” He said against his skin and fucked into his hand again, letting the head slide along Cas' dick. Cas moaned this time and he chuckled before leaning up and look into Dean's eyes. Dean leaned up the slightest bit just to place a sloppy kiss on Cas' lips, softly biting in his bottom lip, making him gasp.

 

“F- Fuck-..” He moaned again as Cas rocked his hips down.

“N-Need to come” He added. Cas never saw him so desperate. This sure as hell was his guilty pleasure. “Cas, please!” He moaned, his voice shaky and barely audible. “Make me come, ba-..” His words trailed off in a silent shout, his mouth wide open and his eyes squeezed shut as he was spurting his load onto his chest, just when Cas started moving a little bit faster and he was coming too.

“D-Don't sto-.. Oh god! Keep going” Dean begged him, both were moaning loud and their chests became one big sticky mess of come and sweat within a few seconds. Cas finished with a barely audible gasp before he dropped himself onto Dean, burying his face into the crook of his neck. Dean's hands were shaking as he curled them around Cas.

“Holy fuck” Dean gasped and he could hear Cas chuckle against his skin, making him chuckle as well. They held hands as if they never let go off each other ever again. Dean looked at their hands and sighed happily.

 

He would never let go of Cas.  
-

 

“You wanna have your present?”

 

“That wasn't my present?” Cas said as he sat down onto Dean's lap, his back against his boyfriends chest. Dean curled his arms around him and kissed his neck.

“No, that was only a prelude.” Dean said, his words trailing off into a chuckle. Cas snorted. “Okay, now I'm kinda curious, you know?” Cas said.

“Okay, you see that box?”

Dean said as he pointed at a little box on the nightstand.

Cas nodded.

“Grab it.” Dean said and Cas chuckled before grabbing it.

“So demanding.”

“Shut up, I top.”

“I just kinda topped.”

“You didn't.”

They laughed and both held the tiny box, Dean's fingers between Cas'. “Now open it.” Dean whispered and Cas obliged, opening the little, slightly familiar looking box and he actually gasped when he opened it. The little music box started playing. Soft sounds came out and it was playing the lullaby that meant everything to Dean.

 “Dean this..” Cas started and he brushed his thumb over the side of the little box.

“Are you sure-... This is-... This means so much to you-..”

“You're everything to me, Cas.” Dean cut him off.

“You loved it so much, I love _you_ so much. I want you to have it.” Dean said and brushed his fingers over Cas'.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you and I want to say that to you every day. Every day again. I will never stop telling you how damn much I love you, Cas.” He whispered against his skin and his voice trembled. He meant every sentence. Every word.

_“I love you so much!”_

_Dean was so helplessly in love._ Cas was more than just happy that he let himself believe in love at first sight because Dean,

Dean was the best that ever happened to him.

“I love you too.”  
-

 

“You're an old man now. You'll turn gray.” Dean said and played with Cas' hair.  


“Ah shut up, I'm only 28.” Cas said and playfully pushed Dean's hand away.  


“Maybe I won't ever turn gray.” He added and nudged his nose into Dean's cheek before wrapping his arms around him.  


“You either turn gray or bald.” Dean said and placed a kiss on top of Cas' head before he looked up at Dean. “Why?” He said and Dean snorted.  


“You need hair to turn gray, idiot.” Dean said and he laughed before Cas let out a sigh.  


“Oh my god” Cas breathed. He felt so dumb but he laughed as he heard the sound of Dean's laugh.

“I won't turn gray.”

“You gonna turn bald then?”

“We'll see!”

**September 6 th, 2003**

 

“So, where are we going exactly?”

They were walking outside, Cas was blindfolded and couldn't stop chuckling.

“I can't tell you, it's a surprise.”

“This smells like the park.”

“You seriously know what the park smells like?”

“Dean, it's _our_ park, of course I know what it smells like.”

“Well then...”

Dean took the blindfold from Cas' head and showed him the surprise he brought there. It was almost their anniversary and Dean wanted it to be a surprise. And it wouldn't be a surprise if you knew something was going to happen, right?

“Here we are!”

“I knew it was the-...” Cas' words trailed off when he saw Dean's surprise.

A picnic. Everything was there. Cas' sketchbook and all his stuff was there, Dean's camera and some of his equipment were there. A big backpack with all the picnic stuff in it. Against the tree where Dean once carved their initials in it. Cas shook his head and a wide smile appeared on his face. Queen was playing in the background, on Dean's phone.

“What do you think?” Dean said and curled his arms around Cas from behind.

“You hate Queen.”

“I hate Queen.”

They both laughed.

“What did I do to deserve this?” Cas said and covered Dean's hands with his own.

Dean nipped at his ear and chuckled. “Being amazing, eventually quitting to be hard to get, kissing me when I provoked you to.” Dean began, his voice was soft, Cas chuckled and closed his eyes.

“I love you.” Dean whispered in his ear and leaned his head on his shoulder, just like in the beginning.

_“There are some beautiful moments in life that shouldn't be forgotten.”_

 Cas smiled. He remembered Dean saying that. He remembered everything.

“Those pictures are still on my camera, you know that?” He said and he snorted. “You looked so irritated.”

“That's because you stalked me.” Cas said before they sat down.

Dean had made sandwiches and not the typical picnic food. He had bought stuff they both liked and he brought all of the stuff they needed to have a long peaceful afternoon in the park together.

They looked through the photo's on Dean's camera.

 

“Look. Not even a glimpse of a smile.”

“Oh god, why didn't you just fucking delete that picture?”

“Because you're beautiful! Angry looks good on you.” Dean said and Cas playfully nudged his arm.

 

_Our last time at the park was way too long ago. Everything felt like decades ago. I just wanted to remember. I wanted to remember everything. Because everything was perfect with him._

_I wanted to collect all the memories I had with him and write a book about it._

_Because Cas was everything. He was the moon to my stars. He was the dream I always wanted to come true._

_It would never end. We would never end._

_We belonged to each other._


	7. Chapter 7

**June 21st, 2004**

 

_I know there's a big hole in the story. If you want to know? We were happy. We felt like a happy family. With my brother and Jess. With Anna who frequently came over or even slept over. With Cas' super annoying cat._

_We were a family and we were happy. It felt like nothing could break us, nothing could tear us apart._

_I sometimes wish I could go back to relive that year._

 

"Summer!!!" Dean shouted as he walked out, onto the balcony. "Shut up, Winchester." A voice came from the balcony next to theirs. Dean rolled his eyes as Cas walked out, curling his hands around Dean from behind.

Dean chuckled and shook his head before he covered Cas' hands with his own. "Good morning, bed hair." Dean said and he winced at the feeling of Cas' warm lips against his shoulder.

"Good morning." He said and Dean turned around in Cas' arms.  
  
"You know what I'm going to do tomorrow?" Dean said and he ran his hand through Cas' bed hair. He only messed it up even more and he snorted. It looked adorable.

"Tell me."

"Show you the world." Dean said and softly kissed him.

"What?" Cas said with narrowed eyes and Dean chuckled.

"I may or may not have 2 tickets for a trip to Tokyo." Dean said.  
Cas' eyes widened and his lips quirked into a smile.

"You didn't." He said and Dean shrugged. "You're fucking crazy!" Cas said, his voice slightly raised. Dean laughed about his reaction. "Why!?...Just why!? You-.. You crazy motherfucker!" Cas said and Dean kissed him again. Cas chuckled against his lips.  
  
"Because I love you." Dean said. "And because I want to marry you there." Cas didn't know how to react anymore. "Go pack your stuff." Dean said and he kissed him one more time before they went inside to pack their stuff.  
-

 

"But who takes care of Butler?" Butler. The stray cat. Dean hated cats but he was okay with it now. Cas, in fact, called him Butler and that was the main reason that Dean was okay with it. Because of its name.

"I'm pretty sure Sam and Jess want to take care of him." Dean said, while packing his stuff, he glanced back and saw Cas bent down over his stuff and Butler sat on his back. Dean smiled and shook his head.

"Hi folks," Came a voice from behind him. "there's a cat sitting on my back." Cas said as Dean walked up to him to remove Butler. They both laughed as Cas steadied his camera to film himself.

"Vlog 56!" He began. "Haven't been up for 2 weeks, I had a lot of adult responsibilities." He continued and he turned his camera to Dean who was packing his stuff.

"Now what does that look like?" Cas said as Dean glanced back again.

"Are you filming my ass?" He said and he threw a shirt to Cas' head but he caught it and he chuckled.

"Dean got us tickets for a trip to Tokyo!" Cas said eagerly. He smiled the entire time and Dean thought it was the most adorable thing he'd ever seen.

"We're leaving tomorrow but I'm taking you guys with me" He said to the camera.  
"Pack your stuff, emo." Dean said and Cas laughed and had his finger on the off button. Dean suddenly stood behind him, curling his arms around his waist and Cas blushed.

"See you guys next Vlog..." Dean said softly. Cas closed his eyes and snorted before making a face to the camera.

"You heard him. Peace out."   
-

 

"Of course we want to take care of Butler." Jess said on the phone. Cas was almost squealing of happiness.

"Ah thank you so much! Can we bring him now?"  
  
"In 30 minutes. We're not home now." Jess said.  
  
"Okay, we'll bring him then."

So much for a cat, Dean thought to himself.

-

 

Dean almost couldn't deal with the happy sounds Cas made because they were going to Tokyo.

"You gotta bring your camera! We're going to take so many photo's!" He said and he would bring his own camera to vlog.

  
**June 22 nd, 2004**

 

"Hi folks!" Cas began. "Vlog 57." They were almost at the airport. Sam was in the backseat. He would take Dean's car back.

"Latest updates, we're going on a plane, I've never been on a plane."  
  
"You haven't?" Dean and Sam said together and Dean shortly glanced at Cas before fixing his eyes on the road.  
"No!" Cas said with a nervous laugh.  
  
"Excellent." Dean said and he smiled at the camera as he noticed Cas aimed it his way.  
  
"Vlogging together will be a regular thing, though."

"Oh?"

"Yeah!"

Cas smiled raised his eyebrows at the camera.  
"Don't look adorable on camera." Cas barked a laugh.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"You'll seduce them." Dean said under his laugh.

 "Stop it." Sam said and Cas aimed his camera at Sam.

"That's going to be my brother in law." Cas said and Sam fake smiled at the camera, causing Cas to chuckle. Cas had been talking to his followers till they were at the airport. His camera spun around while getting out of the car. "We're still standing." He said as he steadied the camera again and fixed it on the three of them. Sam and Dean chuckled.  
-

 

They went inside the big building, up to find their plane, to show their tickets.  
  
"Shit!" Dean said and he widened his eyes at the camera. "The tickets." He said and Sam widened his eyes too. Castiel slowly lowered the camera. "You serious?" He said but Dean couldn't hold his laughter.  
  
"You dick!" Cas shouted and punched his shoulder.  
  
"You should have seen your faces!" Dean said as the woman at the desk asked them for their tickets.

"He's a dick" Cas said to his camera as the three of them walked to where they were guided.

 

"Sammy, I see you in 3 days!" Dean said and the brothers hugged each other.

"See you."

"Take care of him, Cas." He said to Cas and hugged him as well, the camera shaking in all ways possible before he steadied it again.  
-

 

"Latest updates." Cas whispered to the camera.  
  
"Dean looks very charming when he's asleep." He whispered as he aimed his camera down a little bit to show a sleeping Dean, with his face pressed against Cas' shoulder. They were halfway there.

"I see you guys in Tokyo," Cas whispered and he winked at the camera.

  
"peace out." He whispered and he turned the device off before putting it away and running his hand through Dean's hair.  
-

 

"We are here!" Cas said to the camera as Dean rubbed his eyes, still sleepy as they walked to the central station. "Good morning gorgeous." Cas said and filmed Dean. Dean grunted and took the camera from Cas.

"This motherfucker, also known as your sexy vlog host, terribly woke me up with nothing but 100% pure excitement, because we are in Tokyo." He said and filmed Cas, who was smiling in excitement.

"I had to wake you up but I wasn’t planning to carry you!" Cas said as he suddenly stumbled and almost fell.

"Says the one who can't walk." Dean said but Cas' expression told him he was in pain. He turned the camera off and walked up to Cas.

"Hey, you okay?" Dean said as Cas lowered and rubbed his hand over his upper leg.

"I don't know what just happened," He said and he frowned. "but it hurts like hell." He said and Dean didn't know what to do.

"Can you walk?" He decided to be practical.  
  
Cas steadied, he took a few steps. He shrugged and nodded.  "Yeah, kinda? I guess." He said and Dean shrugged too. "It's the same kind of pain I had the day after Sam's wedding" He added and looked down on his leg one more time.  
  
"We better go see a doctor when we're back, okay?" Dean said and hugged Cas from behind. That always made Cas smile. "Yeah." He said as he felt Dean kiss his hair.

It were the tender touches that did it for him. He loved it when Dean brushed his fingers against his skin. When his soft lips touched his forehead or when he hugged him from behind.

Dean was a real softy. He loved Cas so much. He would always make him laugh. Interrupt him rudely when he just wanted to kiss him when Cas was in the middle of a sentence.

Cas made him into a person he thought he would never become.  
-

"This is awesome! Dean! Look at the view!" Cas said, he was so excited he almost jumped. Dean walked over to him.

They were in the hotel room and the view was just gorgeous. It was 11 pm as they arrived and the view was full of lights and big buildings, it was pretty awesome. Dean curled his hands around Cas' waist and started kissing his neck from behind.

"You're adorable." Dean whispered and continued. Cas smiled to himself with his eyes closed. Dean started playing with Cas' shirt, fidgeting on the fabric, slowly pulling it up. Cas snorted and he felt his face burning. Dean just knew all the delicate spots.  
  
"What are you going to do, Winchester?" Cas whispered and Dean smiled against his neck.

"I could crawl under your skin, I fucking swear." Dean whispered and softly bit the skin he just kissed, causing Cas to gasp.

"No, the closest you can get is under my clothes." Cas breathed. Dean chuckled and his hands smoothed over Cas' chest and he instinctively started to grind against him. Cas moaned and turned around in Dean's arms, kissing him hard. Dean smiled as he was pushed away till they fell back onto the king-sized bed, Cas on top of him.

"You wanna get under my clothes, Dean?" Cas whispered in his ear and he nipped at his neck. Dean's chuckle trailed off in a shivery moan, he closed his eyes and his hands roamed over Cas' back, under his shirt.  
  
"I take that as a yes, then." Cas chuckled and let Dean remove his shirt. Dean sat up to kiss him, Cas still on his lap, one leg on each side.

They kissed like it was the first time they saw each other after a long time.

 

Cas softly pushed Dean down again and he started rocking his hips down, drawing a moan from him and he swallowed it. He swallowed the noises he made, the silent pleas he received. He pushed his tongue in Dean's mouth and Dean responded the same way, tongues flicking over each other as Cas rocked down again.  
  
"You're driving me insane." Dean managed as they pulled apart.

Cas didn't say a word, he didn't need to. He just smirked.

"I swear you'll make me come in my jeans." Dean said, his voice shaky and unsteady. He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes.

He lost his mind, everything was filled up with nothing but pure pleasure. Only Cas could drive him crazy like this. He didn't even realize that Cas was unbuttoning and lowering his jeans until he felt his hands deliberately brushing over his clothed dick and he gasped.

Cas was having a great time as he lowered down, kissing and licking his erection through his boxers, making the fabric wet and sticky with Dean's pre-come already dripping through it.

Dean was having a hard time to breathe as Cas pulled his jeans and boxers completely down and dropped them on the floor to be discarded. He didn't say a word, other than normally. He would dirty talk Cas through his orgasm but this time, Cas played Dean. And Dean was enjoying every second of it.

Cas looked up at Dean, eyes of a predator. He smiled at Dean, a dark smile that made Dean's heart skip a beat. He couldn't keep his eyes open when Cas took him in his mouth. Slowly sinking down on him, swallowing his full length, smoothing his tongue along it all the way down.

Cas closed his eyes too when he tasted Dean.

Dean was almost seeing stars, it felt like he would come in seconds and he clenched his hands in the bedsheets rather than pulling Cas' hair out of his head.

Cas was working his way up and down one more time till he let go and positioned himself on Dean's lap again and started unbuttoning his own jeans, Dean was eager to help him reveal his dick. Both were panting in anticipation and Cas kissed Dean, taking his last breath away as he did. Cas smirked at him when he pulled away just a little bit. They removed his jeans and boxers and dropped it on the floor where Dean's were too.

"I want you inside me, Dean." Cas whispered in Dean's ear and he closed his eyes in pleasure.  "I want to ride you." He added and Dean could feel him smile against his skin. This time it was _Cas_ talking. It was Cas who made his head spin instead of the other way around.

_He drove me crazy. So crazy!_

He suddenly realized that Cas was already preparing himself in front of Dean. Dean felt so lost, lost in pleasure. He was slowly losing control already.

5 seconds of silence before Cas sank down on Dean's still wet cock so eagerly. Dean hissed while Cas let out a moan that went straight to his dick. It was almost unfair. Dean barely had the time to collect himself before Cas started moving.

"You-.. Are so gorgeous" Cas managed in a grunt and he smirked, biting his lower lip as he did. Dean loved it. Everything he did.   
  
"I love you, Dean," He added. He swallowed thickly and sank down again. "I fucking love you." He said. He slowly increased his speed, his voice already rough. Dean closed his eyes and smiled in pleasure. “Fuck! Cas!" He mouthed when Cas placed his hands on his chest and started riding him hard.

Cas covered Dean's hands with his own, pinning them above his head, entwining their fingers, the bed softly creaked with every move they made. Dean started rocking his hips up and down, fucking into Cas every time he sank down on him.

"Thanks, for bringing-... me here" Cas moaned and he huffed a laugh as Dean's hands loosened under Cas'. He sat up, Cas still on his lap, and he started thrusting into him, instead of letting him do all the work. Cas' mouth fell open in a gasp and his eyes were half closed. He let out small whimpers with every move Dean made and his hands curled around his neck.

Dean started kissing his neck while speeding his pace, lifting Cas with his thrusts. He could tell how close he was by the sounds he was making.

"Anything for you, baby." Dean breathed and Cas' fingers dug into his back.

"Dean-.."  
  
"Anything."

" _Oh god._ "

Dean ran his hand through Cas' hair as he felt his warm come paint his chest. He kissed him through his orgasm, savoring all the sounds he made through him.

Cas clenched his muscles around Dean which made him come soon after Cas, shooting his load into him with a silent shout. Dean gently pushed him down onto the bedsheets, still positioned between Cas' legs, he was panting hard and he buried his face into Cas' neck. His body still trembling from the aftershocks.

“I love you too, baby.” Dean said, his voice hoarse. Cas chuckled and kissed his head before shifting to a better position.

Cas loved having Dean so close to him. Having Dean's face buried in his neck, or on his chest. He sighed happily and Dean grabbed his hand and wrapped his fingers around Cas'. 

They fell asleep like that, not caring about the mess, not caring about anything. As close to each other as possible. Hands clenched together for what felt like forever. Never letting go of each other.

 

They would never let go of each other.

 

**June 23 rd, 2004**

 

“Dean...”

...

“... Honey.... I-..”

...

“Dean?”

Dean's eyes softly fluttered open by the sound of Cas' voice, softly calling his name. He looked up at him, his eyes still stuck together.

“Hm?” He hummed as he saw Cas looking a little worried.

“My leg,” Cas said, his voice was shaking a bit as he pointed at his leg. He was probably just awake. “It hurts like hell.” He added and Dean tilted his head.

His leg was a little bit swollen, not very bad but looked like some kind of a bump on his upper leg and Dean's eyes widened.

“Where did you get that?”

“I don't know! The pain woke me up.” Cas said and Dean then realized it was only 4 am. He groaned and dropped his face in the pillow.

“Did we bring painkillers?”

Dean looked up at him again and raised his eyebrows before rubbing his eyes. He didn't know exactly what to do. He was sleepy and he couldn't get his mind clear.

“I'll get them.” He said and he left the bed with a groan to get them from the small kitchen.

“Remember I said we were going to see a doctor when we're back?” Dean said as he lazily walked back. Cas nodded and also sat up.

 

Dean sat in front of him, legs around Cas' waist as he handed him the painkillers and a glass of water.

“We'll go back tomorrow.”

“But our trip-...”

“You're more important, Cas, and this is not just something.” Dean cut him off and gave him a look, suddenly more serious than before. Cas finally nodded before he took the two pills.

“Okay.” He mumbled and looked down but Dean gently lifted his head so he looked at him again.

“Yeah?” He said, eyebrows raised, pulling a smile from Cas.

“Yeah.” Cas answered. They both smiled and gently kissed.

 

“You're the most important in my life.”

 

**June 25 th, 2004**

 

“Dean.”

Dean's eyes fluttered open by the same voice that woke him up at 4 the other day. He felt Cas' hand brushing through his hair, the warmth of Cas' neck against his face, his arm around his waist, he felt every breath, every heartbeat and he decided that he didn't want to wake up from this dream. He smiled and nestled into Cas' neck again, softly humming.

“Dean!” Cas said again, softly chuckling and this time Dean decided to look up.

“What?” He said and kissed his jaw. Cas turned his head and kissed him on the lips, Dean humming through him as always.

“We're almost there.” He said, his voice barely a whisper. They gazed at each other as if they just fell in love for the first time.

Every day together felt like a new dream coming true. Dreams in which you fall in love for the first time and live the perfect life with the person you love. Dreams that rarely come true.

Dean growled and nestled back into Cas' neck. Cas couldn't stop brushing his fingers through his hair. He just chuckled and kissed his head.

They were almost home again.  
-

 

It was 4 pm when they arrived and Castiel had an appointment with their local GP. They did that immediately because Dean was a drama queen and a great pessimist. Cas shook his head when he called their GP as soon as they got home.

“I am _so_ tired.” Dean groaned when they walked to the impala once again. “Me too.” Cas said, rubbing his face as they both climbed in.  
-

 

When they arrived, almost the whole waiting room was empty. There was an old couple waiting and a young woman, around 20 years of age.

“Uh, I feel watched.” Dean whispered and they entered the waiting room. Cas snorted at that. He took Dean's hand and pulled him with him.

“I don't care,” He said as they sat down and he kissed his cheek. “I really don't fucking care” He clarified and Dean chuckled, looking down, causing Cas to laugh too.

They only had to wait for a couple of minutes before Cas was listed.  
-

 

“I was utterly surprised when you called me, Castiel,” His doctor said as Cas took a seat and raised his eyebrows at him, a small smile on his face.

“the last time I saw you here for yourself was when you were a little boy, which of course, is a good thing.” The man clarified.

“Yeah, I don't get sick very often.” Cas said and his doctor snorted and looked at the screen of his computer, to find Castiel's data.

“So, Dean, huh? You becoming a Winchester or is he going to be a Novak?” He asked Cas. He would always ask him about his life.

Cas laughed at his question and he blushed.

“I'll probably become a Winchester one day” He said and the man chuckled.  
-

 

“Over the phone you told me that your leg hurt. Can you tell me more?” He said and Cas nodded.

“Certainly.”   
-

 

“What did they tell you?” Dean asked him. He returned to the waiting room and Dean stood up soon as he saw Cas entering the room again.

 

“They weren't sure.” Cas said. “Dean...” Dean looked up and raised his eyebrows, as to really pay full attention. “They were shocked. All though, they _looked_ shocked.”

“They?”

“He called the hospital. Do they normally do that?”

_~~No, they don't, Cas, and now I'm afraid too.~~_ ~~~~

“Yeah, yeah they do that sometimes.” Dean said and he painfully smiled at Cas.

_-_

 

_Cas was referred to the hospital because the doctors weren't sure._

_He had to do a few blood tests and a few simple scans and make some pictures._

_I was afraid. Every second, every minute, every hour. I didn't even know something but I felt something was wrong. I wish I was wrong._

_I wish I was just worrying too much._

 

_But I wasn't._


	8. Chapter 8

**July 8 th, 2004**

 

_It was a few days after. It went all so fast. It was all GP visits, hospital visits and medical tests in these few days. He'd had x-rays and blood tests and an MRI and everything was pretty clear._

_Cas was diagnosed with primary bone cancer._

_There would be a biopsy and a CT scan and treatment right after that._   
_-_

 

Cas' phone started ringing and he reached out for it.  
  
"Oh gosh. Anna!" Cas said and picked up the phone.  
  
"Anna." he said through the phone, which was on the speaker.  
"You're on the speaker, Dean's here too."  
  
"Of course Dean is there too." She said. She sounded friendly, as always.  “Do you guys feel like coming over?” She asked and Cas looked at Dean, who just shrugged and raised his eyebrows. Cas didn't say anything and bit his lip.

“Guys?”

Dean weakly chuckled and kissed Cas' cheek before he stole the phone out of his hands. “We're coming soon, Anna. I think we should tell you something.” Dean said and Cas automatically nodded, though she couldn't see that.   
  
“Like what?” She said, suddenly her voice was serious. “Should I be worried?”

“No! Anna, don't worry. We're coming.” Dean said and they ended their call.

“Thanks.” Cas said as he got his phone back from Dean.

“You're very welcome.” Dean said and took him into his arms, kissing his head. He clenched his arms around Dean and rested his head on his shoulder.

 

He wanted to hold Dean forever.

-

 

They were making their way to Anna and Cas' mood already changed a bit, he was easy to cheer up and Dean could _always_ make him laugh, whatever happened.

"Hi folks," Cas said to the camera as they walked down the street. Dean video-bombed Cas behind him and Cas shook his head.

"Vlog 158." Dean said and kissed his cheek. Cas pushed him away and laughed.  
  
"157, sucker."  
  
"Emo." Dean messed with Cas' black hair.  
  
"That toddler is my boyfriend" Cas whispered and he smiled at the camera.  
  
"No, you love me."  
  
"Okay, maybe." They both laughed and Dean deliberately kissed his cheek.

"Sorry for the lack of vlogs, people, some stuff has been going on lately. My leg disapproved to my body and that kinda hurts. There's a lump in my leg called Chris. I'll tell you more, later." Cas said and aimed his camera on his feet. Dean laughed. He named everything. He called the lump Chris, and Chris was a pain in the ass.

"We're on our way to Anna. She misses me." he said.  
"Us." Dean said and Cas snorted.

"He's afraid people will forget about him." Cas whispered and Dean chuckled.  
-

 

_He told them about Tokyo, even though they didn't see much of it, Cas couldn't stop talking about it. I took him to Tokyo! He was so amazed by it. I couldn't stop smiling when Cas was so enthusiastic._

  
"So, we're almost there. I'm going to end this vlog! Sorry that my vlogs are always fucking short." Cas said as he reached out for his camera. "I'll keep you up to date. See you next vlog, Dean, wanna say something to my vloggies?"  
  
"Your vloggies..." Dean said as he took the camera from Cas and literally said "something!" to the camera, causing Cas to laugh.  
  
"Peace out!" Dean said and turned the device off and gave it back to Cas.

"You always call me adorable but have you seen yourself?" Dean actually _blushed_ at Cas.

"This is what you made of me, baby." He said as he poked Cas, causing him to giggle.  
  
"Yeah! Of course. Blame me!"  
-  


Cas rang the bell when they arrived and he was a little nervous. He hadn't spoke to her for a while now.  
  
"Hi Ann.” Cas said as Anna opened the door and hugged Cas. “Hey!” She said happily and hugged Dean too.

“God, I missed you! Come in!”  
-

 

"I didn't want you to worry about me and everything happened so fast and it was so confusing that I kinda forgot about a few things. I-.. I'm sorry." Cas said and Anna nodded. She stared blankly ahead as she heard what happened.

“So, cancer. Who expected that?”

“Nobody, really. But we don't know if it's good or bad, though. So we'll wait first.” Dean said and brushed his hand over Cas' back. Cas chuckled at Dean.

“Since when are _you_ such an optimist?”

“Shut up.” Dean said, causing Cas to bark a laugh.

They decided to watch a movie together to calm down and get cozy. Cas soon fell asleep with his head on Dean's chest, his arms wrapped around him. Just like Dean fell asleep against Cas in the plane. Dean softly circled his fingers through his black hair and he smiled, looking at him as his eyelids fluttered because he was dreaming.

“It was a long day.” Dean whispered and Anna smiled at him.

“You're such a sweet guy.” Anna said and Dean blushed, causing her to laugh. “I mean it! Look at you.”

“I love him.”

“I know. I can see that. Everybody can see that, Dean. It's so obvious that you love him.” Anna said and Dean smiled at her before looking back down at Cas again, he remained silent for a few seconds, still brushing his fingers through his soft black hair and he sighed.

“God, I love him.” He whispered and kissed his head.  
-

 

“Okay!” Dean said as he dropped himself down on the couch.

“When is the biopsy?” Dean said, a notebook in his hands. They were back home and their stuff was half unpacked. They sat across from each other on the couch, legs between each others'.   
  
"The 10th of July." Cas said and Dean wrote it down.

“What the hell _is_ a biopsy, even?”

Cas chuckled and looked down in his lap.  
  
"A biopsy is a medical test, they're going to remove a sample tissue out of my leg, to see if it's benign or malignant." Cas clarified and Dean nodded, still frowning. "Right."  
Dean said and Cas laughed.  
  
"You know what this feels like?" Dean started. "Some kind of a hospital drama like _House_. 'Do an MRI! But MRI's are scary, maybe he'll die!'" Dean said, half terrible acting. Cas laughed about it and shook his head.

"MRI's aren't scary, and I swear, everybody on TV is claustrophobic and afraid of doctor's offices, I really believe that." he replied causing Dean to snort.

"Yeah, says the optimist, I fucking love you!" Dean said and leaned forward and placed his hand in Cas' neck, pulling him closer so he could kiss him. Cas gently kissed back and chuckled against his lips.

Cas placed his hand on Dean's cheek and softly brushed his thumb over it when they pulled away.  
  
"Dean, I want you to keep in mind that it's all going to be okay." He said, their faces were only inches apart. Dean looked deep into his blue eyes and he nodded lightly before kissing him again.

“We laugh about this afterwards.” He said and Dean couldn't help to smile.

_~~We laugh about this afterwards.~~ _ ~~~~

 

**July 10 th, 2004**

 

"Cas?" Dean grunted, his voice rough as he realized he was alone in bed. "Cas!" He called out and frowned to himself. He decided to get out and tell himself that he wasn't worried at all.

"Cas!?" He called out again and got a silent “Yeah.” In reply.  
  
He followed the sound and found Cas on the balcony, drawing the sunrise. "There you are! I don't like waking up alone, you know that." Dean said as he walked up onto the balcony and he realized Cas' camera was in front of him.  
  
"I'm vlogging, you sexy motherfucker." Cas said, still looking into the lens, as he slightly saw Dean's reflection. He was still in his boxers.  
  
"Wow, sorry for the shock, people." Dean said as he leaned over Cas' shoulder to look into the lens. He kissed Cas' cheek while softly humming. "Good morning." He mumbled and Cas chuckled.  
  
"Morning." Cas replied and resumed his drawing session again when Dean made himself a cup of coffee.

The doors of the balcony were open. The sun was shining. It was 77 degrees and Cas wore black. Dean always laughed when he saw that. Cas was so mysterious, he loved it. His clothes were black but his soul was crystal white.

"Can you make me some too?" He called out when he heard Dean using the coffee maker. He replied with a laugh.

"Anything for you, baby." Dean said and Cas wore a smile which couldn't be removed.

_This_.

This was it that he loved. Peaceful mornings, red skies, good pencils, hot coffee. Spending the mornings with his lover and his 3.000 followers.

"Folks I'm going to end my vlog here, blame Dean." Cas whispered as he reached out for his camera.  
  
"Peace out" He said and turned it off.

-

 

"Extra sugar." Cas said and Dean startled.  
"Fuck!" He said as he turned around.  
  
Cas laughed at him and curled his arms around his waist as they both leaned against the counter.  
"Did I scare you?" Cas asked.  
  
"Is water wet?" Dean said just like he said at the far beginning of their journey.

Cas would never forget what a douche Dean was. How bad he fell in love with said douche. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Dean. Waking up next to him. Dean was the beginning of the most unexpected journey of his life and he didn't ever want to travel back.

Dean was the dream that, he thought, would never come true.

But it did.  
-

 

“Didn't your surgeon tell you you couldn't eat or drink before the biopsy?” Dean said and Cas eyed his cup of coffee.

“Good that at least one of us remembers that, thank you.” Cas said and had Dean taking his coffee from him.

He took a sip before he placed it in the sink and he almost spit it out. "How can you drink this?" Dean groaned and coughed as if he was dying on it. Cas barked a laugh.

“Why do you drink _my_ coffee?”

"This is downright coffee abuse." Dean said, causing Cas to laugh harder.  
  
"Don't mock me." Cas said as Dean placed the cup in the sink.  
  
"I don't mock you, I mock your coffee." Dean said. "You live healthy but your coffee does it all." He said and bit his ear shell, causing Cas to grunt and pull away.  
  
"We should be going." Cas said as Dean's arms loosened around Cas and he sighed. "Yeah, we should."  
-

 

"Okay, can you lie down here?" The surgeon said when Cas already took his pants of.

_A biopsy._

_They would remove a sample tissue out of the lump. They would examine it under a microscope and inspect the cells._

_A miner surgery that's needed to see if the tumor was benign or malignant. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was all good afterward._

 

_But it wasn't very reassuring._  
-  


Cas was anesthetized before the biopsy and they told Dean to wait in the waiting room. The biopsy was done during a day case. They were there from 9 until the anesthesia wore off, if everything went like it should go.

“How do you feel?”

“Like I won the goddamn lottery, Dean. How do I _look_?”

Cas said, his voice dull and ironic.

Dean laughed and Cas let out a weak chuckle. He looked like a damn zombie.

“I feel fucking sleepy but I can't sleep. What is this stuff? It feels like I'm drunk.” Cas mumbled. It was adorable somehow.

Dean sat onto a chair next to the hospital bed and he took Cas' hand, which was warm. They smiled at each other. They always smiled at each other. As a reassurance that it was all going to be okay.

And then they just had to wait till the anesthesia wore off.  


**July 24 th, 2004**

 

_It was almost 2 weeks after the biopsy and we knew more._   
  
_Primary bone cancer, or osteo sarcoma. It was pretty rare and dangerous. The treatment was normally a period of chemotherapy- average period about 10 weeks- before removal of the tumor. After the removal, more chemotherapy._

_Our GP told us about chemotherapy. It should fight the cancerous cells. It would shrink the tumor so it could be removed. ~~It would fuck you up.~~_

_So this is what cancer is._

_It eats you from the inside out while you don't even feel sick in the beginning. You don't know when it started, it's just suddenly there._

_And if you're lucky and with the right surgery, it leaves as easy as it comes._  
-

 

"I don't feel sick." Cas said as he looked at his leg.

There was a blue spot from the biopsy. He had been in pain for 3 days but thank god for painkillers. He didn't walk very much after the biopsy but today was a good day.

"It's like a lie, that's slowly poisoning the inside of my bones, it doesn't make sense." He said and he looked up at Dean.

His eyes were gloomy and he looked utterly confused. Dean crouched in front of him.  
"I can't feel the sickness, I can't feel anything but the pain from the biopsy. Nothing else. It's like-.." Dean kissed him fondly and within a few seconds he softly hummed through him and kissed back.

_I knew he would do that, I knew he would place his hand on the back of my head to pull me closer. I knew him._

He chuckled with his eyes closed as they pulled apart. "You always manage to make me laugh, no matter how I feel" Cas said.

"That's my job." Dean said, he could indeed, always make him laugh and he was very grateful for that. They were both quickly overwhelmed by all circumstances.

 

But together they could take over the world.

-

 

“How are you feeling?” Dean asked him. He shortly glanced at him and smiled. “I'm fine, Dean. I told you. I'm not even feeling sick.” Cas clarified.

_~~I know, baby, but I want to know. I want to know everything about you, I want you to feel good, just like in the beginning, just like always. I want to know.~~ _ ~~~~

“Today is a good day, I can finally walk without pain again.” He said as they entered the park. _Their park._ The park where they met each other. Dean would never get enough of being there with him. He smiled to himself when he saw Cas so happy.

Would he ever be down? He thought not.

“Why are you just standing there, come here and join me.” He grabbed Dean's hand and pulled him towards him, it's like he pulled him into another universe, where they were the only 2 breathing creatures existing. Like they were alone in space with nothing around us, just him and Dean.

 

_Let's stay here forever. Together. You and I._

_I never wanted to go back. I wanted to stay with him forever. I wanted this disease to leave his body._

_I didn't ever want to lose him._

 

_My Cas._

 

**July 27 th, 2004**

 

_How to comfort and distract your boyfriend? I had no idea right then. It was all so sudden, all so unrealistic. Everything was spinning around in my head and I could barely sleep that night. Though, I did sleep, but I woke up alone. I woke up by a familiar lullaby that usually caused me to fall asleep when I was little._

 

Dean followed the sound of the lullaby and found Cas at the kitchen table, the little music box on the table. Cas was drawing, he was practicing on portraits and it got better and better.

Cas looked up at him and Dean could tell that Cas saw the look on his face because he looked worried now he saw Dean. He took a seat next to Cas.

**“** I don't like waking up alone.” Dean told him with a big smile on his face and Cas sighed. “I know, honey.” His voice was barely a whisper.

He gently touched Dean's cheek as the lullaby started playing again. He smiled at Dean, “It's all going to be okay, Dean, I'm going to fight this.” he assured him and Dean trusted him. ****  
  
It was all going to be okay.

 

“How can you stay so happy.” Dean asked him and kissed his cheek, pressing his forehead to the side of his face and Cas audibly savored that moment, making Dean's lips quirk into a smile.

“Because crying won't solve anything. Because I-... I didn't change, I'm still me and I want to be happy, Dean. Just like before.” Cas said and he caressed Dean's cheek softly. Brushing his thumb over his freckles.

“Remember?” He started, his voice barely a whisper and Dean looked up. “Remember when you said you were going to make me happy?” He finished and this smile was back on his face. His eyes were glowing, so bright, like you were staring right into his soul.

_I remember. I remember everything, from that sunny day in September when we first kissed, till today. I remember everything, because it was with Cas._

 

“Yeah I remember that” Dean chuckled.

“You are!” He said.  
  
“You are making me so happy. I didn't believe in love at first sight but you made me believe in it. You proved me. There's no other guy like you, Dean. Nobody!” He told him. “I hope you get that.” He added.

 

“Stay with me.”

“I'll stay with you.”

 

-

 

They planned to go to a movie theater with Sam, Jess and Anna. Like a party because Cas almost turned 29 and he wouldn't have time later because it was all going to be hospital visits.

“It's 7:50 pm, Dean. We have to-...” Dean cut him off in a kiss and Cas kissed back, being led to the kitchen table. Cas was almost pinned down to the kitchen table while Dean continued to kiss him deeply, before he suddenly stopped.

Cas exhaled sharply, he had a blush on his face. “Okay.” He said and he got up, straightening his collar and Dean laughed at him.  “Sorry for that, I saw those lips and I couldn't resist.” Dean said, pushing Cas' hands away so _he_ could straighten his collar.

“You just wanted me to shut up.”  Cas had a light smile on his face.

“True. But you're also very sexy.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Cas kissed him hard, grabbing his hands and shoving him up against the wall, pushing his tongue in his mouth to get the same response and a moan from Dean and he pulled away, softly biting at Dean's lower lip.

“I'll fucking make you shut up as much as I want.” Cas said and Dean chuckled.

“I'm not complaining.”   
-

 

“I'm so glad to finally see you again!” Jess said when Cas and she hugged and Sam went straight to Dean.

“When did you hear this?” He asked Dean. He was talking about the cancer. Because of all circumstances, they forgot to tell anybody about the whole situation. He even forgot to tell his own brother.

“I'm sorry, Sammy, that you didn't know but everything happened so fast and it's just-...” Dean swallowed.

“3 days ago. We heard it 3 days ago. He already got x-rays and the biopsy was 2 weeks ago.” Dean told him and Sam was speechless.

 

“Keep us updated.”

 

They saw a movie together, Cas was sitting between Jess and Anna while Sam and Dean laughed about the sight. Cas was loved with the women. Cas just wanted to have fun, he didn't want to think about the situation. He wanted to stay the Cas he always was because he didn't feel any different.

-

 

“Thanks for today, honey.” Cas said. They were back home again and Cas was so grateful. “I needed that.” Cas said to him while he scooted over to him, wrapped his arms around him and held him close.

Dean was a little concerned about Cas. It was like he pretended to be happy.

“Cas.” Dean began as he felt Cas' warm fingertips slide over his back. “The chemo's are going to start in a few-...”

“I know.” Cas cut him off. “Don't remind me.” He added and Dean changed position so he could see him properly, he lied on his back now.  “Dean, I want to have fun, I don't want to think about the chemo's right now. I'm still the same person and I shouldn't be sad. I also don't want to be treated like someone else, now I have cancer. I'm the same. Please.” Cas said and Dean stared at him for a moment before nodding.

 

“Thank you.” Cas said and kissed him.


	9. Chapter 9

**August 4 th, 2004**

 

“Happy pre-birthday!”

“What the hell, get out of my face.” Cas wasn't a morning person.

_It wasn't like last year. Not at all. We should both be healthy, especially Cas, on his birthday. But no, he had chemo's on his birthday. It wasn't fair. We had to go to the hospital next day so I planned something a day earlier._

 

_Cas lightly flinched when he woke up and saw my face, it was the cutest thing ever. I could always make him laugh, even before he had his coffee._

 

_We would celebrate his birthday that day. 1 day early._

_-_

 

“You done, baby?” Dean said, waiting in front of the bathroom door when he heard him turn the shower on. He slammed the door. “You dick.” Dean said and he heard Cas laugh on the other side of the door before he heard the door unlock.

“Wanna join?” He was almost dragging Dean inside.

“Oh my god.”  Dean said, he didn't see that coming. “You're feeling good today, huh?”

“Oh, I haven't felt this good in weeks, honey, join me?” Cas whispered and Dean couldn't refuse.

Of course he couldn't refuse.

He wanted to feel him again, touch him, kiss him.

_He was home. And I had to savor that moment because back then, I didn't know what was going to happen next._

_–_

 

“Hi folks!” Cas said to the camera, Anna and Dean behind him, also waving at the camera. Anna would always come over on his birthday, they called her that they would celebrate it one day early.

“It's my birthday tomorrow. Anna came over to celebrate it with us today.” He added and Dean placed his head on his shoulder, like always.

“I don't really know how to start this Vlog.” He said and he swallowed before he tried to tell what happened.

“Last Vlog was when Dean and I went to Tokyo and after that... It was all hospital visits and suspense for us.” He said, having Anna and Dean by his side meant the world to him.

He told his fans about the hospital visits and that the lump in his leg was a tumor. That he was diagnosed with primary bone cancer, also called; that weird word he couldn't pronounce.

He had to swallow a few times. It was weird to tell his fans about what happened. It were always happy vlogs about his art and about him and Dean and more frequently about his personal life and suddenly everything fell apart. But he wanted them to be updated.

“I'm going to keep you updated, but I don't expect that there will be much art vlogs in the future, all though, for now. But we will take you with us, on this new journey.” He said.

“It's all going to be okay.”

 

**August 5 th, 2004**

 

“Dean, I don't want to.” Were the first words Cas said when they entered the Impala.

Today was his 29th birthday and he had to go to the hospital.

The look on Cas' face was heartbreaking. He looked so happy the day before and just that day, on his birthday, he looked scared. He didn't want to go to the hospital.

Dean grabbed his hand and smiled at him.

“Neither do I.”

 

_He would need it to prevent metastases and to shrink the tumor as much as possible before surgery. He had to undergo 3 cycles of chemotherapy before surgery. 9 weeks of suffering as I thought. After these 9 weeks, they would remove the tumor from the bone._

_They told him that he could do everything he normally did, but some things might feel different. Some habits might change. Some food might not taste the same as before._

_I always hoped that the stories about chemotherapy were myths._

 

_I was wrong._

 

“Hi folks!” Cas said to the camera when they went into the treatment room. “Today I'm having my first chemo.” He told his fans.

Cas sat in a big comfortable chair and Dean sat kind of in front of him while the surgeon did his work. Dean held the camera then and filmed him. “A lot of shit will be pumped into my veins today!” Cas said and he wasn't lying. There would be high doses of a lot of drugs and also medicine to prevent him from having too many side effects. Osteosarcoma was a pain in the ass.

The surgeon was talking to him while he did his work. Cas was half anesthetized during the fitting of the PICC line.

He had the medicine and also relaxing drugs and he was getting sleepy really soon.

“Dean.” He said and he looked straight into the camera. Cas looked so emotionless, it was like he could fall asleep any time.

“What.” Dean said finally, he laughed a little bit.

Cas didn't say anything for a while, he just stared at Dean and suddenly a small smile appeared on his face.

“Never mind, I forgot what I wanted to say.” He said and Dean chuckled. “I think I'm peacing out in a minute.” Cas said, causing Dean to laugh harder.

His surgeon told him many things but Dean wondered if he could ever remember that later because he looked like he was on drugs. Ironically though.

The first chemo went great, in how far a chemo can go great.

_I've never seen him so goddamn sleepy. It was kind of adorable._

 

**August 6 th, 2004**

 

_I will never forget that day. It was day 2 of his first cycle. Day one was for the chemotherapy then he had a period of rest till day 21, before the next chemotherapy._

_I woke up alone that day._

 

“Cas?” Dean yelled when he woke up, he woke up by a thump and all kinds of weird sounds. He got out of bed, slightly concerned. “Cas!” He repeated and he found him on the bathroom floor, hanging over the toilet lit. His hands were shaking, his skin looked pale. He threw up from the chemotherapy. “Cas!” Dean said and Cas looked around, eyes wide.

“Oh, god, Dean I'm so sorry!” He growled and coughed. Like he thought that Dean would be mad about the mess.

Dean stumbled up to him, sitting next to him.

 

_Right on that moment, you don't care about anything! You just want to help. You just want your love to feel better._

He sat next to him, Cas' gloomy eyes on his.

“Go back to bed, I'll clean it.”

“You don't have to-...”

“I'll clean it.” Dean cut him off and kissed his forehead before getting up and helping Cas up as well.

They were both upright and Cas suddenly grabbed Dean and held him tightly against him, his hands clinging onto his shirt.

“What is it?”

 “Don't leave me!” He said and Dean's heart ached. Those exact words. He was so afraid.

He was so afraid that Dean would leave him for a stupid sickness.

“Cas, I won't ever leave you for anything.” Dean whispered and kissed his hair. Cas' hands tightened and loosened around Dean's shirt before he wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his head on his chest. Dean held him close, _so_ close.

_“I promise.”_

_Cas was on the couch the rest of the day. He slept or watched some TV, or tried to draw a little bit. He even did a vlog. I was kind of proud of him because he looked like he couldn't even hold a pencil._

“Hi folks. Vlog whatever the fuck.” he said and Dean laughed on the background. His voice sounded so dull and out of interest.

“I'm so damn sleepy today, chemo's fuck you up.” He told his fans. “But the first chemo went nice and now I can nicely anticipate on the next one.”

“My vlogs won't be long after chemo's because I'm afraid I will fall asleep in front of you, but I'll keep you updated anyways.” He said.

“Peace out!” He finished and turned his camera off.

Before Dean even noticed it, he fell asleep, camera still on his lap. Dean shook his head and smiled at the sight. He placed the camera back to where it belonged and he sat on the rest of the couch. He brushed his hand through Cas’ hair and kissed his forehead before he turned the TV off.

“I'm so proud of you.” He whispered and went to bed.

 

**August 7 th, 2004**

 

_The third day was better than the second, in a way. I woke up alone once again. I didn't hear weird noises or anything, he simply called my name._

“Dean? You awake?” A voice came out of the bathroom and a disappointed grunt maybe. Dean stretched his body while turning around. Grunting as he did.

Dean decided to leave the bed and go check on him. He found him in the bathroom, in front of the mirror.

“What should I do to make you stay in bed so we can wake up together? Should I pet you more often?” Dean said as he peeked through the door and Cas turned around, a mix of confusion, angst and a smile on his face.

“I'd love that.” He said and he turned around again, causing Dean to chuckle.

“Remember when you told me that either I'll turn gray or bald?”

“Because you need hair to turn gray?”

They both chuckled.

“Yeah... Well, I won't turn gray, that's for sure.” Cas said and right then, Dean noticed the strands of hair that were in the sink, how he was brushing his hands through his beautiful hair and it just sort of fell out.

_Hair loss._

_A side effect of chemotherapy. Of course he'd lose his hair but I didn't expect it to be so soon, even if they warned us. They told us that it would be soon._

_But this soon? I though it would start after the second chemo or something._

Dean's eyes widened and he walked up to him, hands wrapped around his waist from behind.

“Nooo!” He said, causing Cas to chuckle.

_That day was weird. Cas was still tired but better than the second day. It was sunny that day, around 85 degrees, kinda warm. He did another vlog that day._

“Hi folks!” He said. Camera on him and Dean and the cat on Dean's lap. “I said I'd keep you updated so... yeah. Here I am again!” He said. He would always smile. He was like the sun that comes after the rain. “So I had my first chemo yesterday and I have to recover for 3 weeks now before the next one. I might look a little fucked up but I certainly feel better than yesterday, believe me.” He said and saw Dean in the reflection, wrestling with the cat. Cas chuckled.

 

“What are you doing?”

“Cat!” He yelled back as Butler hit the ground. “Fuck you cat.”

Cas laughed hard.

“Don't call him 'Cat'. He might feel offended now.”

“Butler.” Dean said, rolling his eyes and he received a meow. “Don't meow me, pal.” He pointing his finger at Butler.

“Anyways, I will have to do 3 cycles of chemotherapy, which means, 9 weeks before the removal of Chris. After that, I'll get more chemo's, but for now, I have to recover from the first.” He said to the camera.

Dean was quiet, he took his time to process it all for once, he took time to contain the words.

Cas would need more of this shit for treatment. One may not realize it at first, but when you do, it hits you hard.

Cancer.


	10. Chapter 10

 

**August 8 th, 2004**

 

_The fourth day was also better, in a way. His hair loss began the other day and I expected it to be much worse the day after. But I don't really know what **exactly** I expected._

_Anyways, that day, was the day I said goodbye to his beautiful black hair I loved to brush my hands through so much._

“Good morning.” A soft voice said when Dean's eyes fluttered open. _Finally_ Dean didn't wake up alone.

“Morning.” Dean whispered and reached his hand out to Cas' hair.

“Don't,” Cas said and stopped him. “Not yet.”

_That day was the day. We were going to shave his head. People may think that's it's not that bad for a guy, of course not if you were planning to. If it's because of cancer? Shut the hell up, it's just as bad as for anybody else._   
_-_

 

“Okay, do it!” Cas said. The camera was on the right side of the washstand, aimed on the both of them.

Dean turned the trimmer on and reached out to Cas' head. He bit his lip and had a pitiful look on his face.

“No wait!” Cas said as the moment was almost there. Dean decided to go for it and shaved off a piece and immediately covered his mouth with his hand and he laughed.

“FUCK, I WASN'T READY!” Cas yelled, his eyes wide and he playfully punched Dean's arm. Dean burst into a laugh, it looked ridiculous.  
-

 

“Okay! Really! Do it!” Cas repeated.

“I-I can't...” Dean stammered, the trimmer still in his hand.

“Dean, it looks like shit.” There was a crackle in his voice and his expression told so much about how he really felt. He didn't _feel_ sick and he certainly didn't want to _look_ sick. Which would happen if he shaved his head. Which would happen after chemotherapy.

“Okay, here we go.” Dean said before he really got started.

Strand for strand, the sound of the trimmer softly buzzing through the bathroom, camera still on them, Cas looked straight into the lens sometimes and smiled. Even though it was a broken smile.

“Oh god.” He whispered as ran his hand over his partly bald head. Dean swallowed thickly as he did the other half.

-

 

“It feels so weird!” Dean said after they cleaned everything.

“I know, I can't ever get used to this!” Cas said, his fingers tracing over his head, the miniscule hairs left on his head felt like sandpaper.

“Folks, I'm bald! Oh my god.” He said to the camera. “This is all Chris' fault!” He said, causing Dean to laugh.

_It was so weird to see him like that. It was foreign and a little painful. He had a PICC line on his arm and his head was bald. He was starting to look sick. Something he wanted to avoid._

_I couldn't believe that this was still my Cas. Because it felt like he was a whole different person._

_-_

 

“Folks, we're shopping!” He said as they were walking through the shopping district. 

“We're so gay.” Dean said in the background.

“Homophobe.” Cas said and Dean barked a laugh.

“Okay stop right there.” Dean said and grabbed the camera from Cas, who was laughing.

“We're getting your sexy vlog host a few beanies and other head fashion.” Dean said to the camera.

Cas was so easily amused, Dean could always make him laugh. He often just stole his camera and took over his vlog, Cas' fans saw Dean as a vlog host as much as Cas was. Because Dean was a part of Cas' life.

“I heard he loves the color pink.” He whispered and filmed Cas up and down. Cas was clothed in black. Always.

They went to a few stores and got them beanies very fast. Cas had black ones, white ones and a blue one. He would wear them to hide his baldness, good thing he liked to wear beanies and it looked very good on him.

“No pink?”

“Fuck you.” Cas laughed and grabbed the camera again.

“We're going home right now,” He said while he adjusted one of the white beanies on his head. “I think I look better now.” He said and he winked at the camera, Dean always placed a statement when he saw him winking at the camera. He told Cas that he was flirting with his fans too much.

“Peace out!” Cas finished.

-

 

“You're beautiful.” Dean said and Cas shyly chuckled. He never knew how to react to that. Only Dean could get him so flustered. Dean was the only one, besides Anna, that ever called him beautiful. “That beanie looks _so damn_ hot on you!” Dean whispered and bit his ear shell, causing Cas to gasp.

Cas laid in Dean's arms, they were both on the couch, watching some TV. Dean couldn't sleep but Cas was still tired from the chemo. It was raining outside and Dean just stared outside while the raindrops traced down over the window. Making their marks. Like tears falling out of the sky. Evaporating later as if nobody cared.

Dean couldn't get his mind clear.

Cas suddenly took his beanie off and repositioned himself, trying to get comfortable in Dean's arms and Dean chuckled.

“Are you tired?” He whispered and he kissed his head, which still felt weird. He frowned and chuckled afterward.

“Hm-hmm” Cas hummed. He had his eyes closed and Dean knew he was going to fall asleep soon so he turned off the TV.

 

**October 7 th, 2004**

 

_All cycles of chemo's were done. Cas felt so sick after the last one, it was horrible, it was like the side effects came all at the same time. His eyebrows and lashes were gone, just as the sandpaper that was still left on his head. He was all bald and soft like a baby. He was a little bit ashamed of it and he never felt comfortable about it. He didn't allow his body to be sick and didn't want to look sick either. He wore his beanies 24/7._

_People stared at him. The pitiful look they gave him as they saw that he was having treatment. He didn't want to be treated like a sick person. Cas was still Cas, he told me._

_Cas was still my Cas._

_“I'm so nervous.” He told me._

_Today was the day of the removal._

_The removal of the tumor went good. Cas had medication and morphine afterward to reduce the pain he had, he was in a wheelchair when I picked him up because he couldn't walk on it till it was healed._

_He would have more chemo. It was to be sure. So the cancer wouldn't come back. He would have chemo for up to a year. More sickness, more hospital visits, **a year**._

_But in the first 11 weeks, I fucked everything up and I still feel guilty. That guilt can never be removed._

_Because I let him down when he needed me._

_Sam told me the most of what happened. I couldn't remember it anymore._

 

**October 22 nd, 2004**

 

_Cas was at home, he was still very tired and recovering from the chemo, he was very sick the day before but he had much sleep this day and he was actually doing fine. I told him I was going for a supply run._

_I lied._

_There was this bar called 'Black 'n blue' and I swear I went for a beer. I needed some time off._

_I think everybody stays sane without talking till a certain moment. Then you break. And at that moment,_

_I broke._

 

“You all alone, big boy?” A blue eyed man asked him, he wore some kind of a cap. Dean sipped his beer and eyed him up and down. “Don't just eye me up and down, pal. What's your name?” He asked and took a seat next to Dean. He could've been mistaken but it started to look like a gay bar.

“Dean.”

The man snorted and Dean just frowned. He decided that 1 beer was not going to be enough.

“What's your name then?” Dean asked, almost mumbling before taking another sip of his beer.

“I'm Benny.” The man said and smiled at Dean, his blue eyes almost sparkling when he smiled. Dean had something for blue eyes that made him shiver.  “I'm 30. I work here and I've never seen you before. I may be a little interested in you.” He said and Dean raised his eyebrows at him.

“You reveal a lot about yourself.” Dean mumbled and this Benny furrowed a brow. “What?”

“Sorry, not very used to that.” Dean said, eying his beer instead of Benny. His beer was empty, in fact. He considered a lot.

_I should've gone home but I didn't. We talked a lot and I went home very late, it was about midnight. And that happened a few times first. I was gone for hours at first and later I was gone for a day or 2._

 

**November 12 th, 2004**

 

“Babe, I'm back.” Dean said, he got no reply. Cas wasn't on the couch anymore, where he left him.

“Cas?” Dean said. He noticed the wheelchair was gone. He found him in the bathroom, in front of the toilet, he was breathing heavily and the lit was dirty again. Dean's feelings were mixed. He felt angst and regret wash over him and he stumbled up to Cas, falling down next to him. Tears ran down Cas' face, not in sadness but in pain.

“Baby, are you okay?”

“Where... were... you?” Cas growled, he tried to clear his throat but he couldn't. He didn't look at Dean, he stared blankly in front of him.

“I'm so sorry Cas! I'm _so so sorry!”_  Dean said and he almost started crying. Cas' skin felt cold and he was shaking a little bit.

“St-.. Stay with me.” Cas said. He begged. “You promised.” He said. “Dean! You fucking promised!” The crackle in his voice was heartbreaking.

Dean was crying. He was so broken but didn't want to talk about it.

He simply couldn't.

“I promise!” He said while he knew he couldn't.

 

**November 13 th, 2004**

 

_We fell asleep like that, Cas was in my arms and I was the first to wake up. My back ached and Cas felt cold in my arms._

_The worst part of it all was that the only thing I could think about was how low I was on alcohol. My head ached._

_I simply put him against the wall and placed a sheet over him so he wasn't cold. I regret that moment. I’ll regret it forever._

_If I could ever go back._

Benny was Dean's poor excuse. He made him feel better. Temporarily, but still.

“Look who's back! Where did you go last night.” He asked him as soon as he walked into the club. He went up to Dean, leaning in, Dean was taller than him and he smiled down on him.

“Kiss me and I rip your fucking balls off.” Dean growled and Benny's eyebrows raised.

“You like rough, don't you? Now where were you?”

“Had to do important things.” Dean said and he ordered a scotch.

“Like what?” Benny asked, he followed him everywhere and took a seat next to him. Dean simply eyed him up and down for a moment and snorted at him.

“None of your concern.” Dean said and took a sip of his just ordered scotch, staring blankly ahead.

It was that moment that Benny sensed something about Dean's behavior and he grabbed his hand.

“You can talk to me if you want.” Benny said and Dean looked down at their hands before he shot Benny a look, raising one eyebrow. “You can't fool me Dean. Most men I shared a bed with are here for some fun but never without a reason and when I look into your eyes, I see a brokenhearted man.” Dean just looked at him for a moment, he clenched his jaw and swallowed thickly before taking the rest of his drink all at once. Benny took the glass of him and set it down.

“Don't do that. Believe me.” Benny told him and Dean snorted and shook his head.

“Don't fucking tell me what to do.” Dean said, his voice sounding angry and simultaneously offended and so confused. Benny put his hands up in surrender and nodded.

“Okay.” He said and walked away from Dean.

Dean stared in front of him and sighed before ordering another drink. That went on for the whole night before he found Benny again.   
-

  
“You should start watching yourself. How many you got?” Benny said while grabbing Dean's arm and pulling him towards himself.

“I don't know. Who cares? Really Benny, who cares?” Dean said and Benny let him go. Dean had a smile on his face. A fake and broken smile.

“I do.” Benny said and Dean laughed out loud.

“Why would you give a damn? It doesn't matter anymore.” Dean said, rather loud. “You know what? I shouldn't even be here. My boyfriend is going to die and I fucked you in the ass.” Dean said and he laughed even louder before ordering another drink.

“You're not getting another one.” The bartender told him and Dean would almost start a fit before Benny pulled him back there and punched him in the face.

“Sorry mate.” He said and punched him again so he was unconscious.   
-

 

_I woke up with a headache, that I remembered. The first person I saw that day was Benny. He took care of me while I couldn't take care of myself. I owed that guy a lot, even if I wished I'd never met him._

“Morning.” Benny said and Dean slowly sat up. Benny handed him a sack of ice for his head. He handed him a beer and Dean shot him a look.

“You'll thank me later.” Benny said and Dean took it.

_He told me 'Begin a new day with what you ended last day with.' and it really worked._

“I guess you should tell me something.” Benny said and he sat on the edge of the bed Dean was in. Dean recognized the bed, it was Benny's. He had a weird feeling in his stomach when he noticed where he was.

Dean had no idea what Benny was talking about. He forgot what happened, he only knew he had a headache and he wanted to get rid of it.

“You don't remember.” Benny said and he raised his eyebrows, jerking his head to the side. “You told me your boyfriend is dying.” Benny said and Dean closed his eyes and sighed.

Dean told him about Cas and Benny didn't believe what he heard. He was shocked.

“Why were you there in the first place? Fuck, man you shouldn't even be there.” He said. “’ _Black 'n blue’_ is a fucked up place, Dean.”

Dean nodded and agreed. He knew it was a fucked up place. He knew how wrong it was.

“I don't want you to get hurt, or to be unhappy or anything.” Benny said and Dean could tell he was sincere but he didn't get exactly why.

“I got to go.” Dean said and Benny understood. “I see, man. Hope to see you again sometime but please don't fuck up on your man. Be the fuck there for him.” Benny said.

Dean nodded and got up, holding the ice against his head.

_I didn't even say thank you. I was so ashamed of myself._

_I hated myself so much. And yet I fucked up again and again till it was almost too late._

_A lot of time went by, he could walk again, that I know. But there suddenly were a lot of things I didn't know. Not because he didn't talk, but because I didn't listen._

 

_I hooked up with Benny and Cas didn't know._

_Many people tried to help me instead of Cas because on some point, they said I needed it more than him. Till the point everybody gave up, because I didn't want to be helped._

_I told them I was okay. I told them I was happy._

_One day I woke up at a place I didn't know._

 

**December 24 th, 2004**

 

_The day before Christmas. I should be at home. I should decorate a Christmas tree._

_I heard several voices calling my name. I heard Benny. I heard Anna. I heard Sam. But no Cas._

_No Cas. I was scared._

_My body was shaking, I wanted to open my eyes but I simply-..._

_“CLEAR.”_

_A shock hit my body and I felt myself falling back._

_“CLEAR.”_

_Another shock hit my body and then I realized what was going on._

_I was in the hospital._

_I opened my eyes in the hope to find Cas, but he wasn't there. I was so scared, I felt my whole body shaking, I felt so weak._

_I didn't care what happened to me, how I ended up there, if this was all a bad nightmare or if I was just dead. I wanted Cas to be alive. I hoped he was alive._

“Where is Cas?” The first words that escaped his mouth.

“In another room.” Sam said and Dean nearly broke again. He was at the hospital.

“What happened?” The second question.

_So many things around me were going on and I didn’t care. I didn’t care. I only wanted Cas._

“You couldn't stop drinking. You were so far gone, mate. You blacked out.” Benny told him.

 

This happened with Benny.   
-

 

_I passed out after that, I can't remember much of it because I was so damaged. I don't want people to feel bad for me because I was the one that fucked up. Not Cas, not Benny, not anyone else. I didn't talk about anything and I broke so much._

_I had to recover but I couldn't wait to come out of that stupid hospital bed. I wanted to see Cas. I wanted to go out of there but-.._

“Hold up.”

“Not now Sam, why is he in that room?”

“A lot happened when you didn't care!” Sam said and the words hit Dean like a million arrows.

“I _did_ care.”

“He had an amputation.”

Dean calmed down and stared at Sam, his eyes wide.  His heart skipped a beat.

_I couldn't remember anything. The last thing I remembered of Cas was that night I found him in the bathroom. So many weeks passed and I didn't know shit about my own boyfriend._

_I lost a part of my memories._

_All you want then is a second chance. To do it all over._

_~~A second chance I didn't deserve. Because I deserved to die.~~ _ ~~~~

“Do you even remember anything?” Sam asked and Dean had a hard time to collect himself. He almost fell to the floor but Sam caught him. “You're so damaged.” Sam said and they took a seat at a small table at the ward where Cas was.  
-

 

_Sam told me things I didn't want to hear, I was such an idiot. In only 11 weeks, I managed to fuck everything up so badly I couldn't even see the horizon anymore. It was so stuffed with my own problems that I couldn't care less about Cas._

_Cas deserved so much better._

“The cancer came back and it was almost unbearable to walk, luckily the wheelchair was still at your home. After a while he gave up hope and couldn't trust you anymore but called me instead. Dean, he chose an amputation because he simply wanted to get rid of it. He wouldn't ever make that decision if you two were still together.”

The last words. The last words were too much. Dean's eyes widened and Sam was surprised.

“Cas broke up with you 4 weeks ago, you've been sleeping over at Benny or Anna.” Sam said and Dean burst out in tears.

_That was it. Everything._

_Because Cas was my everything. And I fucked it up so badly._

“Sam!” Dean cried. “What did I do? What happened to me?” He sobbed and Sam didn't know how to react.

_I was so scared. Sam told me that Cas didn't want to see me if I didn't have a damn good reason._

_I remember that when I walked in to that room, he actually smiled at me. **He smiled at me.**_

_He would always smile._

_But it was not the smile I was used to. It wasn't Cas._

_It wasn't my Cas._

_Not anymore._

 

“Cas!” Dean said and he sat down next to the bed. Cas didn't say a word, he just looked at him.

“Cas I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me! I was so stupid and I-...”

“I already forgave you.” Cas said. Dean closed his eyes when he heard Cas' voice. It felt like he hadn't heard his voice in years.

“What?”

“I already forgave you.” Cas repeated. He was anesthetized. He looked sleepy, probably because of the medicine they had given him.

“Dean, breaking up with you was the best choice for me then.” Cas started and Dean tried to listen without crying. They broke up and Dean didn't even know. Dean wasn't even there. Not really.

“I understand. I understand that you couldn't do it. That's why I forgive you.” He told Dean. His voice was gravely. “But there's no second choice. We can't be together anymore.” He said. Another tear rolled down Dean's face.

“I've been worrying about you so much. You were gone and you didn't say a word. You left me, didn't come home for days and eventually hooked up with another guy. I couldn't-...!” Cas said and he slowly exhaled.

“I hope you understand me. I just want to be… friends.” He repeated and Dean nodded. “Don't you cry no more.” Cas singsonged and Dean chuckled, looking down as he wiped away his tears.

“How can you stay so happy?” Dean said, a crackle in his voice.

“I didn't change, Dean.”

“I missed you.” Dean said eventually and Cas smiled at him. Cas didn't say the same to Dean and that hurt in a way, but he understood.   
-

 

_It was a week later before he was home and I was sleeping at Sam's. Sometimes I wish I could remember what happened so I could make it right. On the other hand, do I really want to remember? I think not._

_I went to see a therapist and I went to Cas regularly. I couldn't stay away. I would take him to the mall in the wheelchair. He was going to have a prosthetic leg when the wound was fully recovered. We made an announcement. I would teach him how to walk again and that didn't go without problems._

_But we had so much fun._

 

**January 16 th, 2005**

 

_We would be planning to go over to Sam and Jess that day but instead, we were at the hospital. Cas had had physiotherapy as well as he practiced on walking with his new burden and life saver, a prosthetic leg._

_I was teaching him how to walk, step by step. It was the second day._

“Okay, left first. No, no I mean right.”

“You're terrible!” Cas laughed in a high pitched voice.

“I know, sorry. Did I hurt you?” Dean asked and they looked straight into each others eyes.

 Dean couldn't stop smiling at him. He fell in love with him again and again and he wasn't planning to hide it for Cas. He didn't want to keep secrets anymore.

He held Cas' waist to keep him up and it were the little hints that made Dean believe that Cas was also not over Dean. A little smile when they looked at each other. Cas covering Dean's hands with his own, just 'to be sure that he didn't fall’. Dean knew Cas and he saw it in his eyes.   
-

 

“Dean! Don't let me fall!”

“Cas,” Dean said and Cas looked at him, his body stopped shaking and he looked straight into his eyes.

“do you trust me?” Dean finished and Cas didn't answer. He looked down and Dean realized what he asked him and he swallowed, clenching his jaw a little.

“I-...” Cas began and Dean carefully set him down into the wheelchair again. He smiled at Cas, a broken smile, a tear ran down his face and his hands were shaking.

“I love you, Cas.”

Cas sighed as Dean sat in front of him.

He knew. Of course he knew Dean loved him.

“Dean. Please.” He said and Dean shook his head.

“I can't do this.” Dean said, his voice trembling.

_“Stay with me tonight.”_ Cas said and Dean looked up, surprise in his eyes.

“Will you?” Cas asked and Dean nodded almost too eagerly.

“I will.”


	11. Chapter 11

**February 6 th, 2005**

 

_I slept at what basically was our home. I slept on the couch that night. We were having good talks and it was very late._

_We would walk again next day._

“Good morning.” He said when I opened my eyes. He was in his wheelchair and that was the first thing I noticed.

“Wheelchair?” Dean said and Cas frowned at him.

“Yes, because I can't walk?” Cas said. He sounded stubborn and cold and every time Dean heard him talking like that, something inside him died a little. But he was going to make it all right.

“You know what we're going to do today?” Cas had a questionable look on his face.

“We're going to walk a long end, to wherever you want to go. Come on! It's sunny.” Dean said and Cas wheelchaired after him as he was eager to get outside.

“Wait, Dean!” He said and Dean throw on some pants and the same shirt as the day before.

“I can't-..” Cas stammered before he saw Dean's hand reached out in front of him, gesturing for him to get up, so he did.

“Dean!”

“You can do it!”

They both laughed. It was so weird, a prosthetic leg.   
-

 

_We went to the mall to get him some new clothes, he was wearing clothes I didn't even recognize. After that we walked long ends and it was going better and better till he really walked on his own._

_“Dean, can you actually believe this?” Cas said. He was so happy. I couldn't get enough of it._

_He walked by himself and I couldn't be more proud of him. It was so weird. Everything went so fast. It was happening over a few months actually. One person, one sickness, one person dying inside while Cas was feeling so alive. He walked._

_We walked into the park. The park where I met him. The park where I carved our initials into the big tree in the center. Everything started there, why did he bring me there?_

“Come on!” Cas said and he walked into the park, he grabbed Dean's hand without caring.

“Do you smell that?” Cas said and Dean still didn't say a word. He still enjoyed how happy Cas was and he was so glad he could still see that.

“It smells like spring! It smells like...” Cas said and he came closer to Dean and smiled at him, searching for his gaze. He stared into his eyes and a blush appeared on his face.

“It smells like you.” Cas said without thinking and Dean didn't know how to react anymore. Cas grabbed Dean's hands again and rested his head on Dean's shoulder, his face in Dean's neck. As if he did it in surrender.

 Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he felt tears rolling down his face, dripping down onto Cas' shoulder. He didn't remember how long he had missed this, even if they told him it were 11 weeks. The gentle touch, the warmth of Cas' skin against his own. He missed Cas so much, but he knew he fucked up. He would do whatever Cas wanted to make it right.

Cas leaned back and looked at Dean. Dean tried to smile but it ended up in a weak chuckle.

“I'm so proud of you.” He sobbed and Cas smiled, his eyes were wet too.

 “Cas, I-..” He sobbed.“I love you!”

Dean had to swallow thickly and collect himself.

“I don't remember... what happened? What happened to me? I don't remember our break up, I-I just wanted to make you happy. I wanted to make you mine. Cas, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry you had to do it all alone.” Dean said. “Give me another chance, I promise I'll make it good. I'll make it worth it.” He sobbed and tried to take a deep breath. He knew he didn't deserve a second chance.

“You're worth it.” Dean said, tears rolling down his face and Cas stared at him. A glimpse of a look Dean saw before, Cas was crying too.

“Dean.”

 He gently placed his hands on Dean's cheeks and let their foreheads touch. Cas wiped Dean's tears away with his thumbs.

Dean closed his eyes at the gentle touch and hesitantly placed his hands on Cas' waist.

His head was swimming, everything was back, the butterflies, the warm feeling, the fast beat of his heart. He opened his eyes and Cas leaned in the slightest bit, Dean thought he was dreaming.

_“Under one condition.”_ Cas whispered and Dean wasn't sure if he was serious.

Dean kissed him, gently and hesitantly, his hands were shaking. He suddenly held him so close to his body and Cas' hand was in Dean's hair, just like before. Just like it always was.

“I missed you too.” Cas whispered when they pulled away and he looked at Dean.

Dean was blushing, he still thought he was dreaming and Cas could see it in his eyes and smiled.

“Come home with me?” Cas asked and Dean eagerly approved.  
-

 

_I didn't know what was happening, we went home. We slept in one bed that night and I couldn't believe it. I though it would never happen again. Having him so close to me, feeling his skin against my skin, I held him close and promised him I wasn't going to fuck up a second time._

_I wouldn't._

_We were going to do this together._

_I finally went back home to where I belonged. With Cas._

_My Cas._

 

**March 1 st, 2005**

 

“Happy birthday, Dean.”

_A soft voice woke me up and I couldn't be more grateful._

“Good morning, love.” Dean told him and Cas smiled.

“Love?”

“You are my love, don't tell me otherwise.” Dean assured him and all he wanted to do is holding him close so he did.

“You trying to suffocate me?” Cas said and he coughed. “Let me go!” Cas laughed and Dean shook his head. “Never.” Dean mumbled.

“I don't have a present for you, I hope you understand, because of-...”

“You are my present, Cas. I don't want anything else. You're my everything!” Cas was all flustered and didn't know what to say anymore. He smiled and shook his head.

Cas was quiet after everything what happened. Dean knew why. Their trust was damaged and it would never fully come back. Something was different, it wasn't what it used to be and it was all Dean's fault.

He also knew that a lot happened that Dean didn't know.

-

 

“When is your next chemo? Test? Anything?” Dean asked him and Cas chuckled.

“I have to see the oncologist tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

They sat on the couch, across from each other, Dean's legs around Cas' waist. Just like before.

“What happened when I was gone?” Dean said. He wanted to know. He wanted to take care of Cas but he couldn't do that if he didn't know.

“I don't want to talk about it.” Cas said, Dean saw that he tried to stay calm.

“You're so quiet.” Dean had a pitiful look on his face.“Talk to me.” Dean said and Cas shook his head before leaning in and kissing Dean. He shifted forward and kissed him passionately and Dean sunk into the kiss. Cas held on to Dean's shirt as if he was afraid that Dean would run away from him again. They pulled away and Cas was crying. “I don't want to.” He sobbed.

Dean decided not to push him to talk about it, he took him in his arms and tried to comfort him. They found a more comfortable position, Cas rested his head on Dean's chest, his arms around him, Dean softly swayed them.

_I was so scared. I know I didn't deserve a second chance. I didn't know if he gave me a second chance because he loved me, or because he was lonely, but I loved him and I would give my life to prove him that._

_A lot happened in the 11 weeks I was gone, apparently. Something that hit him so hard he couldn't talk about it. Something that changed my Cas._

_We were going to the hospital._

 

**March 2 nd, 2005**

 

_I had to wake him up that day, it occurred to me that he became a deep sleeper, Sam told me that he slept very deep from the medication. He was generally tired and he couldn't walk the whole day. We always took the wheelchair with us just to be save._

_That day changed everything._

Cas was in one of the rooms and Dean was in the waiting room, along with Anna, she asked him to come with them.

“What happened Anna?” Dean asked her and she gave him a look.

“You really don't remember, do you?” Anna said and Dean looked down. He was so ashamed of himself.

“I don't know what happened to me, I don't know what happened to him, Anna, I didn't even deserve a second chance. He doesn't even talk to me.” Dean said. Anna raised her eyebrows and scoffed.

“Dean, you really didn't deserve a second chance. If I were him, I would kick your butt. You broke him!” Anna began. “Of course he gives you a second chance, of course he forgives you, because he loves you! He's _so_ in love with you and now he's brokenhearted. You two have been together for a long time, can't you even see a broken heart?” She said and Dean was silenced. He nodded, he agreed.

He was so stupid, how couldn't he see. Cas needed him so much in his life and he simply ran when it became too hard. Dean wasn't the victim. Cas was.

“For a while, I hated you, but he wanted me to give you another chance so I wouldn't express it, but boy, I hated you for doing this to him.” Anna said, she sounded angry and Dean knew he deserved that.

“I understand that you're mad at me.” Dean tried to stay calm while on the inside he was screaming. He wanted to cry out.

“Understatement.” Anna said.

“Sometimes I wish Cas could be mad at me too.” Dean said and he stared at the door of the room Cas went in. “What can I do to make it right, Ann? I want to make it right.”

“It's Anna for you, mister.” She said and Dean didn't know whether she was serious or playful.

“Anna.”

“Good.” She said. “I can't believe I'm saying this but I believe you.” She said and Dean furrowed a brow.

“Don't do that...” Dean said. “I fucked everything up.”

“Stop the self-pity, Dean. Better be there for Cas. Stay with him. No games and be honest. There's a long and hard road in front of you two.” She said.

_I wanted to prove myself so bad for Cas that I nearly forgot about **his** feelings. He didn't talk to me, because I didn't talk to him. I was so happy with that second chance that I didn't know how to react. All I had to do was loving him like I did before. _  
-

 

“Dean Winchester?” A man in white said and Dean had a confused look on his face, he looked at Anna and she shrugged. “Do you have time?”

“Uh, yeah.” Dean didn't know what was going on but he followed the white clothed man into another room.

“It's about Castiel. Your boyfriend, right?”

“Yeah. Well, yeah. Sort of.” Dean said and he sat down.

“Sort of?” The man squinted at Dean.

“We had a... an issue.” Dean said and he rubbed his neck.

“That's unfortunate.”

“Mister, it's hard to explain but I've been blacked out for a while and I have no idea what's going on anymore. Is he doing good?” Dean said.

The man thought about how he would formulate it. Dean was scared, he felt his heart beating in his throat.

“He is _now_.” The man said finally.

“Now?”

_The doctor told me about Cas' situation. Do you know what you do when the world shatters around you? When everything falls apart? Nobody sees you while you're suffering._

_You question yourself; why? How? When?_

_But I tell you, those questions stay unanswered._

_Why him? Does it really matter? He didn't deserve it. It wasn't particularly him. It could be anyone. Not because it was some kind of a poor punishment. Some things just happen and all answers on your question make you feel miserable._

_It doesn't matter how it happened. In the end it would still be fucked up. You would only be full of regret. It makes you wish you could travel back in time and do your life all over while you can't._

_It doesn't matter when it happened. You couldn't know it. If it happens, it happens. It doesn't matter when because it's always fucked up. In the first stage, in the last stage, even if you're cured. It happened to you and it would still be fucked up._

_If you do have answers to those questions,_

_would it be the cure?_

“The cancer came back in his leg and the limb-sparing surgery wasn't possible anymore. Amputation was the only option.”

“But it's gone now, right?” Dean hoped. He wished.

“The cancer came back and started spreading faster than we could see. We gave him different chemotherapy because the old one wasn't enough anymore, that's why he sleeps so deeply.” The man told him. “We did several blood tests, X-rays and CT scans and it's like he gave up, it's like he didn't want to fight anymore.” He told him and Dean clenched his jaw.

_He gave up. He broke up with me and he simply gave up._

_And that was **my** fault._

_Cas would never give up!_

“He's very strong, but not strong enough for what's about to come.” He told him, it was like the words hit him like a grenade.

“He's good now, but as soon as the cancer spreads to his lungs, he'll hit terminal, it will last for only weeks, maybe months, if he's strong enough.”

 

****_It will last for only weeks, maybe months, if he's strong enough._  
  


_Being heartbroken isn't a burden. It's a sickness that slowly kills you from the inside._ **  
  
**“Isn't there anything you can do!?”

_Questions won't be answered. I remember how my voice was trembling. I remembered how I tried to suppress my tears._  
  
“We tried everything we could.”  
  
“Try more! Another surgery, more chemo. Anything!”  


_They're just doing their work.  
  
_ “It's been spreading in his bones, the fluid in his body for the scan lit up everywhere in his legs, and his hips. Surgery has become useless.”  
  
 _They can't do anything.  
  
_ “Higher dose of chemo will kill him. His body can't handle that, we're giving him chemo's as long as he can handle it.” __  
  
**They can't do anything.**  
  
It was over.   
-

 

“Dean.” Anna said and she walked up to him. Dean looked like he just saw a ghost.

“I didn't-... I thought-..” He stammered and he sat down next to Anna. Anna was concerned.

“My Cas!” Dean said and covered his face with his hands, he felt a hand on his shoulder, Anna tried to comfort him while his hands were wet from his tears.

“He didn't want to tell me!” He sobbed.

 

_He didn't want to tell me. He didn't want me to be worried. Not because it hit him hard, not because **he** was sad. But because he didn't want me to worry._

“Dean.” A soft voice called his name and Dean stood up immediately and almost ran up to Cas to take him into his arms.   
  
“Don't worry, Dean.” Cas said.  
  
“It's okay”

 

_Cas didn't want me to worry and I tried my best to hide it. I was going to make it so good. I would make him happy. I would make him mine. Again._   
  
_And this time,_   
  
_no games._


	12. Chapter 12

_It was almost a year later. The cancer didn't hit his lungs yet, the doctors said that Cas was incredibly strong and that his body was fighting all the time. He was happy most of the time and he still saw it as a challenge._   
  
_He would fight till he won and it almost looked like he was going to win it. Even though he knew damn good that it was all going to end some day. He told me he didn't want to be reminded to that. He told me he didn't want to be treated like a sick person._   
  
_Our relationship was like it was before and I was so happy, for the first time in a year, I was so happy._

 

**February 14 th, 2006**

 

“What's your favorite color of roses?” Dean asked Cas and covered Cas' eyes with his hands, from behind. Cas was on the couch, trying to draw something.  
  
“What, Dean?”  
  
“Tell me.”  
  
“Red.”   
  
“That's exactly what I wanted to hear.” Dean said. “Look behind you.”   
  
Cas looked behind him, to the yard and it was stuffed with red roses. Cas' mouth dropped open and he stood up.   
  
_Standing and walking became harder and harder for him, he could do it, but with poor little steps._  
  
“Dean. You're so fucking crazy!”  
  
“Still got it.” Dean said and he helped him to walk over there.   
  
“How many are there?”  
  
“I honestly have no idea, I dropped some in Mrs. Miller's yard, see? Hi Mrs. Miller.” Dean said with a big smile and waved at their neighbor.  
  
She looked very angry and opened her window.  
  
“Happy valentine's Mrs. Miller.”   
  
“Fuck you, Winchester!” She yelled back.  
  
“Ah, all neighbors always hate me.” Dean breathed and Cas laughed. Dean had to hold him upright till he got too tired. The chemo's were so high he could barely take it. Dean knew what that meant. They would almost stop giving him chemo's. They gave him morphine to cope with the pain he had in his legs and hips, that dose wasn't _very_ high yet.  
  
After a while, the medication would be noticeable. You could read it in his face, he looked permanently tired and his face was a little fatter than before.

 

“Happy valentine's.” Dean whispered and kissed his cheek. Cas closed his eyes and chuckled.

“You're so crazy!” Cas said and he kissed him on the lips. “I love you, Dean.” He said when they pulled away. “I love you too, babe.” Dean said and Cas shook his head playfully.   
  
“What?”  
  
“Nothing, just...” Cas began and he placed his hands on Dean's cheeks and kissed him again. Dean chuckled against his lips before he sunk in. They kissed gently and Dean felt like he owned the world.   
  
Because this time,  
  
Cas was his.  
-

 

“You want to know what I did?” Cas said, there were no hospital visits, chemo's, anything. Cas was almost recovered from the last chemo, still very tired but that became a part of his personality since the new dose of chemo's, the doctors told him. The next chemo would be in a week.  
  
They were sitting at the kitchen table, Cas was too tired to stand and walk around.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You know that fancy restaurant where we planned a dinner for Sam and Jess a few years ago?” Cas said and Dean's eyes widened.   
  
“With what money!?” Dean said and Cas' mouth dropped open and he scoffed.   
  
“Don't underestimate my art skills, Dean Winchester! I've been making money for a while and wanted to save it for a surprise. Well, bitch, here I am!” Cas said and laughed, causing Dean to laugh loudly as well and he went to the kitchen.  
  
“Want some love coffee?” He said and turned the coffeemaker on.  
  
“No thanks.” Cas said, eying Dean up and down.  
  
“Did you just say no to coffee?” Dean said, he frowned, he was utterly surprised, that _never_ happened before. Sometimes Dean had to pull the coffee out of Cas' hands because he wasn't allowed to drink it before a chemo.

 

“Coffee started to taste weird after the last chemo's.”  
  
 _Sometimes it would change your taste._  
  
“What do you want then?”  
  
“Tea.”  
  
“Gay.”   
  
Cas snorted and shook his head before letting his head rest on the table. He smiled at Dean and Dean tilted his head to the side to see Cas properly. Cas had a wide smile on his face when he saw Dean do that.  
  
“I love you.” Cas said out of nowhere and Dean had a heartwarming smile on his face then.  
  
“I know.” Dean said.   
  
“'I love you too, babe.' 'Oh Dean, yay. Mutual love. Good for me.'” Cas quoted with a funny voice and Dean laughed before coming over there and sitting next to him again, also dropping his head on the table. Cas brushed his hand through Dean's hair.  
  
“I love you too, babe.” Dean whispered and he leaned up to kiss his head. Cas eyelids fluttered and Dean snorted. “Come on, no tea for you,” Dean said. “let's get you back to bed.”   
  
He stood up and held his waist from behind to help him up and Cas groaned loudly.  
  
“I'm so tired, Dean.” He said, his voice soft. “I know.” Dean said and helped him walk to the bed.   
  
There was a bed downstairs because he couldn't walk the stairs anymore.  
  
 _Every time he went to bed, he let the musicbox play the lullaby one time. Weirdly enough, it made him fall asleep sooner. I loved it, the cute and weird habits he had. It was adorable. Sometimes I'd sing the lyrics and he would tell me I can't sing._  
 _-_

 

“Hi folks.” Cas whispered, not wanting to wake Dean. He fell asleep in the most charming position. An empty bottle of beer in his hands, his head against the backrest of the couch and his mouth open. Cas chuckled and filmed him.   
  
“Look at that!” He whispered and then Dean's lips moved as they slowly curled up into a smile.  
“Fuck you,” He said and he cleared his throat. Cas laughed loudly.  
  
“Long time no see.” Cas said to the camera and sat down next to Dean. “We both just woke up, I know it's like 5 pm.” He said and Dean waved at the camera too.   
  
“I wanted to keep you updated, my next chemo will be Thursday and Dean and I are afraid it will be my last one.” He said, he didn't sound sad at all. It was like he didn't care anymore while it hit Dean like a bullet. “The doctors can't do anything else anymore.” He told them. The words were still echoing in Dean's head.

_When it hits his lungs, it's going to last for only weeks, maybe months._  
  
“Guess I'll have to fight this without the hospital then.” Cas said and he smiled.   
  
_The vlogs became more painful every week. He kept them updated, but it was also a reminder of the whole situation. We didn't know the numbers of vlogs anymore and it also didn't matter anymore._  
  
“Anyways, Dean bought me a ton of red roses, I love red roses, they're my favorite!” Cas said and rested his head on Dean's shoulder.   
  
“I also gave some to our neighbor but all neighbors always seem to hate me.”   
  
“That's because you're a dork.”   
  
“I am not.”   
  
They always had little playful fights on the vlogs. The vlog changed a lot since Cas was with Dean and the number of followers kept increasing. Especially when his vlogs became medical. When people found out he was, as Cas calls it, 'cancer vlogging'.   
  
Cas got all kinds of personal messages. Encouragements. Some people even sent him stuff.  
  
His vlogs weren't about art anymore. That ended a long time ago.  
  
“We're almost heading to a fancy restaurant, for valentine's. So I end my vlog here, happy valentine's.” He said.  
  
“Peace out.”   
-

 

“You know what?” Dean said, looking so disgusted at his food while Cas was chewing on his food and acted like it was good.

“I take everything back! How on gods green earth did Jess say yes to Sam like this?” He said and Cas had a hard time to keep his laughter. Dean was speaking a little loud.  
  
“It looks super fancy but it tastes like shit!” Dean said and Cas nearly dropped his head on the table. “This is horrible!” Dean said and also laughed when he saw Cas' face. “You having a good time?”   
  
“This is the best date I ever had!” Cas said, his voice high pitched. Dean laughed. Some people in the restaurant stared at them.   
  
“I'm so sorry.” Cas said and tried his best to sound serious. Dean grabbed his hand and rubbed his thumb over it.   
  
“Don't apologize, Cas. You're amazing.” Dean said and leaned forward, Cas did the same and kissed him.   
  
“What if people see?”  
  
“Do I look like I care?”  
  
 _I don't care who sees how much I love you._  
-

 

“Wanna go for burgers?” Dean asked, Cas was leaning on Dean's shoulder while taking little steps, he wanted to walk as long as he could. Dean only took advantage of that, having him so close, sometimes he would suddenly stop to kiss him and get him all flustered.   
  
“Sounds like a plan.” Cas said and then he sat down in the wheelchair, they always took it with them.   
  
People always looked at them as if they were from another planet. Judging and simultaneously feeling sorry because Cas' sickness showed. He looked tired, he was still bald, the wheelchair. Cas hated it.   
  
They went to a simple burger king and finished their date there.   
  
“Dean I wasn't kidding.”  
  
“About what?”  
  
“This is the best date I ever had!”

 

**February 20 th, 2006**

 

_His next chemo and most likely his last one, or at least we thought so. When we arrived at the hospital, Cas had a few tests, they didn't even give him a chemo. He couldn't take another chemo anymore._  
  
 _They gave him other medication and morphine for the pain._  
  
“So...” Cas began. “No chemo's anymore.”   
  
Cas had a smile on his face, Dean certainly didn't.   
  
“You know what that means?”

_~~That it’s all over.~~ _

“What?”  
  
“My hair will grow back.” Cas was content, Dean still couldn't believe it. He was always happy.  
  
He told Dean that if it was over, at least he had a good challenge. So be it.   
  
Dean couldn't accept it. It was unfair.   
  
It was a long day at the hospital before they went home.   
-

 

“Dean.” The familiar soft voice came from the couch and Dean walked over there, leaning on the backrest, arms around Cas. Cas smiled and looked up to meet Dean's gaze.   
  
“What is it?” Dean mumbled and kissed his forehead.   
  
“I still want to do so many things.” Cas said. Dean's heart sank, just like it did so many times.   
  
_A sickness._  
  
 _It doesn't matter what sickness, it doesn't have to be cancer._  
  
 _It's just unfair. The person you love is just slowly fading away, slipping through your fingers._  
  
 _Can you imagine what it is if you have to miss that cute smile you love so much? The one you wake up to, imagine what it is to wake up alone, knowing that your love isn't there anymore._  
  
 _I wanted to prepare for it, but can you really prepare for that?_  
  
 _Don't even try to._  
  
 _Better focus on the time you got left and make it the best time._  
-

 

“Babe's bucket-list.” Dean said as he got a notebook. He wrote it on the front-page, Cas chuckled and shook his head.  
  
“1. Kiss Dean.” Dean said and leaned in to steal a kiss from Cas. He couldn't even take the time to think about it, he chuckled against Dean's lips.   
  
“Task 1, fulfilled.” Dean said and striped it off. Cas laughed and grabbed his camera and Dean's tripod to film them.   
  
“Oh hey, your camera fits on my tripod?”  
  
“Tried and it fits, didn't know it either.”   
  
“Are you recording?”   
  
“...Yeah.” Cas said and he laughed.   
  
“Hi folks!” Dean said and he waved at the camera.   
  
“We're making a bucket-list for Cas.” Dean said and showed them their notebook, which said 'babe's bucket-list'.   
  
“I hit terminal.” Cas said before he stumbled back to the couch and Dean always had to make sure he sat down properly because that was something that became hard for Cas.   
  
Cas told them he hit terminal as if it was normal.  
  
“Okay, shoot.” Dean said and Cas squinted, looking at the ceiling, he hummed and Dean smiled.   
  
“That your thinking face?” Dean asked and Cas playfully nudged him.   
  
“I want to make money with my art and donate everything to a charity or a good course.” Cas said and Dean wrote it down.   
  
“You make the world a better place, you know that?” Dean said and Cas shrugged.  
  
“It's just awesome that I could make money with my hobby and then help people who need it.”   
  
“True.”   
  
“I want to go to a theme park.”  
  
“You've never been to a theme park?” Dean said and his eyes widened.   
  
“No”   
  
“Why didn't you tell me, I could've taken you to-...”  
  
“Write it down!” Cas demanded with a smile, he pointed at the notebook and Dean laughed before writing it down.   
  
They wrote a few things down, there were things that were simply impossible, even if Cas got cancer perks.   
  
Cas really was a dreamer.  
-

 

“You know what I really want, Dean?” Cas said, his voice was soft and so was his expression. Cas was super tired and it showed. “See the world.” He whispered and smiled. It was the cutest smile Dean had seen in months. Dean smiled back and brushed his hand over Cas' cheek.   
  
_It was the last thing he wanted. To see the world with me. Most people say the only thing they want is surviving, or being cured. Not Cas._  
  
 _He wanted to see the world._  
  
“I'm going to show you the world, babe.”  
-

 

**March 3 rd, 2006**

 

_We had been working on his bucket-list._  
  
 _Since he told his fans and me he wanted to make money for charity, people donated the fuck out of us. We could donate 5000 dollars and Cas was so proud of himself._  
  
 _He told me he wanted to see Queen in concert but that of course was impossible. I cut Queen out of cardboard, believe me, that was a silly day. We had so much fun._  
  
 _Next week we were going to travel as far as we could. I would show him the world, damn I would._  
  
 _Today we were going to the theme park. We took Sam, Jess and Anna with us._  
  
 _Cas was our little ray of sunshine. He made everything better._  
  
“Dean! I want a teddy bear!” Cas said and Dean shot Sam a look.   
  
“Don't look at me. Get him a teddy bear!” Sam said and Jess and Anna laughed.   
  
_You know those games you play at theme parks and you never win? I won. Because I did it with a reason. And goddamn I won the biggest teddy bear there was._  
  
 _Most of the day Cas was in the wheelchair and he couldn't go in every attraction, but we had a lot of fun. He was so amazed by the little things._  
  
“That was fun.”   
  
“You didn't even go in-...”  
  
“A few!” Cas cut him off with a laugh and Dean shook his head. They had fun. Cas was easily amused.  
  
 _Everything went so fine,_  
  
 _till it didn't._

 

“Dean, I'm tired.” Cas mumbled, barely audible. He had a crackle in his voice and he tried to clear his throat. He stumbled over to the wheelchair since he had been walking for a while.  
  
“My-.. Chest-...” He stammered, it looked like he nearly fell down and Dean's eyes widened. He was suddenly alarmed. “Cas?” He said and ran over to him, trying to keep him up but he bowed down till he sat on the wheelchair. “It-... Hurts-..” He stammered.  
  
He breathed fast and it sounded like something was blocking it. He held his chest and his hands were shaking.   
  
“Sam!” Dean yelled and suddenly everyone was around him.   
  
  
_We suddenly were in the hospital, I don't know how fast I drove, Cas couldn't breathe and I was so scared. My body was shaking in anticipation because we all knew what it meant._  
  
 _But I didn't want to know it._  
-

 

_Cas was brought in a deep sleep and they applied an IV, they shot pictures and then came the bad news._  
  
 _The angst was confirmed._  
  
 _The cancer hit his lungs._  
-

 

“Cancer in the lungs is very complicated.”  
  
The doctor asked if Dean wanted to talk to him.   
  
“There's really nothing you can do anymore, is there?” Dean said, he slowly began to accept it.  
  
The man shook his head and Dean closed his eyes for a moment. He swallowed thickly and had to collect himself.  
  
“We can't give him any more chemo's but we gave him a little something that slows it down. The morphine will do the rest. Dean, he will probably not be the same if he wakes up. It may be temporary, but he might not be able to speak.” The man told him and Dean nodded.  
  
“He has to stay here as long as we can slow it down.”   
  
Dean nodded again and they shook hands before he went back to Sam, Jess and Anna.   
-  
  
 _I couldn't see him till it was 6 pm. They let me take a look and I was alone._  
  
 _There were all kinds of tubes, one was going into his nose. He wasn't able to eat anymore. One was his IV. There was a heart monitor and it was beeping._  
  
 _I tell you, you'll never forget that sound. You may even dream about it._  
  
“Cas.” Dean said and Cas lifted a hand to wave at him, he smiled weakly.   
  
Dean swallowed thickly when he saw Cas like that. He had to suppress his tears.  
  
Cas sat up a little, he had a notebook in his hands and a pen and he started writing.   
  
'I can't speak.' He wrote and Dean nodded. “I know.” Dean said and Cas frowned at him.   
  
'Write too, so I'm not alone.' He wrote and he weakly chuckled before giving Dean the notebook.  
  
'Sorry.' Dean wrote and gave it back to Cas. Cas had a wide smile on his face and Dean couldn't get his eyes off him.   
  
'Today was so nice!' Cas said and gave it back to Dean.  
  
'Look where it got you.' Dean wrote and gave it back to Cas. Cas pointed his finger up, as a gesture for Dean to wait. He pressed a button and smiled at Dean.   
  
'Getting you your own personal notebook.' Cas wrote down and Dean laughed.   
  
A woman walked into the room and she shook hands with Dean. “Hi, you must be Dean.”   
  
“Rumor has it.” Dean said and the woman smiled at her. She had white clothes and here name tag said 'Hannah'.   
  
“You called me?” She said to Cas and he held his notebook up that said; 'Is there another notebook for Dean?' And she got one. Which made communication a lot easier.   
  
_The woman told us that Cas' inability to speak was most likely temporary._  
 _-_  
  
 _He told me he wanted to do a vlog, the most painful vlog we did. We both wrote instead of talking and after a while, Cas started to make little drawings instead of writing, he always managed to make everything better._  
  
 _He even wrote 'peace out' on his note book. He wrote it on the front-page in beautiful big letters._  
  
 _He eyed it and smiled, brushing his fingers over the letters._  
  
 _He was so content with everything. It was like it didn't matter, like it was so easy. He didn't care. He told me that he had a great life and crying won't solve anything._  
 _-_  
  
 _I didn't know how long it was going to last._  
  
 ** _It's going to last for only weeks, maybe months._**  
  
 _I didn't know it was going to last for more than a year. I knew Cas was strong, but I was really impressed._  
  
  
 **July 28 th, 2006**

 

_It was a few months later and his hair was coming back, also, his voice came back. That happened not too long ago. We still used the notebooks sometimes, for fun, because Cas liked to goof around._  
  
 _The doctors told us that he had a tumor between his lungs, it wasn't big, but it was too difficult to remove it. Cas' body was too weak so the doctors couldn't perform another surgery, and they couldn't give him more chemo's._  
  
 _We could only wait it out while the morphine reduced the pain._  
  
 _Hannah told us that Cas wasn't going to be at the hospital for long anymore. They taught him how to work with the tube that was in his nose. Cas could do some things he normally did, but he would be tired from the morphine. If he experienced more pain, we had to call._  
  
 _She told us that Cas was stronger than any other patient she had had before._  
  
 _Cas didn't allow his body to be sick. He told me that he was the one that made the rules and that his sickness could kiss his ass. He always told me that with a smile on his face._  
  
 _He wanted me to be happy because he was happy too._  
  
 _I slept at the hospital regularly but went home sometimes too._  
  
 _I was making my way to the hospital that day, it was raining, Cas' favorite weather._  
  
“Hey, sexy.” Were the first words he heard when he entered Cas' room. Dean chuckled and Cas did an attempt to chuckle too.   
  
“Hi babe.” Dean said. Hannah was there too, this was Cas' last day in the hospital and she made everything ready to send him home.   
  
“What have you done, why are your clothes wet?” Cas said and Dean sighed.   
  
“It's raining.”  
  
Cas snorted as Dean took a seat next to his bed. It became Dean's spot, he was always there.   
  
“Nice, isn't it?” Cas said and grabbed Dean's hand.   
  
“No, I still hate rain.”   
  
“Pessimist.”  
  
Dean smiled and looked at Cas longingly.   
  
“What?”  
  
“I can't ever get my eyes off you.”   
  
Cas chuckled.  
  
“Dean, I look like shit.”   
  
Cas' skin was pale and he became a bit thinner in the body and thicker in the face, because he didn't eat very much and because of the medication. Cancer will fuck your body up.   
  
Medication will fuck your body up. Which is pretty ironic.   
  
Cas had to take painkillers but they weren't good for his stomach, so he had to take other pills that protected his stomach but would fuck up his kidneys, so he had to take other ones that protected his kidneys. Medication will get you fat.  
  
But Cas would always look good.   
  
“You never look like shit.”   
-

 

“You'll come home with me today?” Dean asked. He was almost too eager to take him home with him, it was quiet at home, even though Dean woke up alone almost every time he was at home. It was quiet without Cas.   
  
“I guess I will.” Cas said and brushed his thumb over Dean's hand. “You know what that means, right?” Cas said and Dean bowed his head down.   
  
_I knew exactly what that meant. They couldn't slow it down anymore. It was all Cas then. He had to do it without slowing down._  
  
 _They could only reduce the pain._  
 _-_

 

_We got a bunch of phone numbers, when the pain came back or if the medication wasn't working anymore, we had to call._  
  
“Welcome back home.” Dean said when he wheelchaired Cas inside. Cas was happy to be home.   
  
“Finally no monitor beeps anymore.” Cas said and Dean agreed.   
  
“So, did you become scared of doctor's offices?” Dean asked, while they both moved to Cas' bed and they sat on the edge. Cas laughed, he knew exactly what Dean was talking about. What Cas said before; 'everybody on TV is claustrophobic and scared of doctor's offices'.  
  
“No, but I was kinda sick of it, I hope you understand.”   
  
Even Dean was sick of it and he wasn't even the sick person.  
  
“I do, damn we spend a lot of time there.”   
  
“And I'm still sick.” Cas said and received a sad chuckle from Dean.   
  
3 seconds before Dean heard his music box play again.   
  
“This, I missed.” Cas said and he brushed his thumbs along the sides. “Listening to this when I'm back with you, in our own little home.”  
  
Cas adored that little music box. His eyes were gloomy and Dean could never get used to that.  
  
“I'm tired, Dean.” He said. Dean was used to that. He always told him that.   
  
“Should I get you to bed?”   
  
“No, that's not what I meant. Dean, I'm so happy to be home, believe me, but I'm so tired of it all.” Cas said. “It's been 2 years of hospital visits and medical tests, I lost my hair, I lost-...” Cas paused, Dean knew why and it hit him like a bullet.

 

“I lost everything.” Cas finished and Dean rested his head on Cas' shoulder, just like before. “I'm so sorry.” Dean whispered and Cas winced.   
  
“Stop apologizing.” Cas said, the last part of his sentence rolling off in a chuckle. Cas still laughed, Dean was so relieved to hear him laugh. “I just kind of planned to take over the world and fight this stupid pain in the ass but I think I've misjudged that.” Cas said, he swallowed a few times.  
  
“I can't fight this anymore,” He said. “I just want to stay with you forever.”  
-  
 _The next few weeks, Cas was very quiet, we didn't do very much and he spent a lot of time staring out the window, mostly it was too hot for Cas to go outside, so they would stay inside and watch movies, maybe vlog sometime._  
  
 _Anna came over regularly and Sam and Jess also visited us a lot._  
  
 _The worst part of it all was that we couldn't go to the park. We were both very lazy but every summer we would go out to the park and plan picnics and we were happy like that. We both took our camera's with us and he took his sketchbook and pencils with him._  
  
 _He taught me how to draw, you don't want to see the results, believe me._  
  
 _We didn't do very much because Cas couldn't take it anymore._


	13. Chapter 13

**August 20 th, 2006**

 

_This seemed to be the day that it all stopped. I could barely wake him up that day. He couldn't move and everything hurt. He screamed and yelled my name and his hands clenched around my t-shirt._

_I knew it was over._

“Cas!” Dean yelled and he didn't get any response, Cas' cold hands tightened around Dean's shirt and tears were rolling down his face. Dean knew he was in pain. He could barely breathe.

“It's okay.”

Cas sobbed in response, his body was trembling and he could barely move, Dean tried to move him to the wheelchair so he sat upright.

 

“You always told me it's going to be okay.” Dean whispered and he set him down in the wheelchair. He crouched in front of him while Cas bowed down. Cas took a deep breath and it sounded so painful. Like air crashed into his lungs.

Dean called the number on top of the list he got from the hospital and told the man on the phone what happened.

“I can't-... Breathe-..” Cas kept stammering, just like a few weeks ago. “Dean-...” He managed, he wanted to say his name, he wanted closure.

“Don't worry, baby, take it easy. I'm here.” Dean said, the phone in one hand while he kept him upright with the other hand.

“I love you.” Cas said and it broke Dean's heart. He dropped the phone and crouched in front of him.

“Don't.” Dean said, a crackle in his voice. “Don't say that as if it's the last time you'll say it to me.” He said and a tear ran down Cas' face.

_It felt like 3 hours before their doctor arrived. The doctor wasn't sure if Cas was going to make it. He gave him a higher dose of morphine and applied another little tube that helped him to breathe, the tumor behind his lungs was making it hard for Cas._

_We had to go to the hospital for one last time, the man told us, so we did. They made x-rays and found another tumor._

_I couldn't believe it, cancer should be curable. There are so many methods and still he couldn't survive. It wasn't fair._

_It all started with one stupid tumor in his legs and it was removed. The doctors told us that osteosarcoma spread out to the lungs and that it's difficult to reach it then. It was rare, they told us, that it would be able to spread to the lungs. They often cured it before it even had the chance._

_It pissed me off to hear that, though. I know that doesn't change anything, but everything that kills the one you love, pisses you off, because it's unfair. It's always unfair._  
-

 

_We were once again at the hospital before I could take him home with me for the very last time. It was nice because we didn't have to visit the hospital anymore but also really fucked up because it meant that it was the last time they were able to do something. It was Cas' last chance for survival._

_That day should be the end of Cas, the doctors told us._

_“Castiel is a warrior. He's back in the game and he's fighting for a reason.” The doctor told me and it brought a smile on my face. It didn't matter how tired he was, he would still fight._

_There was a big part of his body that was damaged after that day, they gave him higher doses of morphine and he was half numb. He had to stay in bed that day._

_I did the vlog that day._

 

“Hi folks.” Dean said to Cas' camera. He took a deep breath and had to suppress his voice from trembling too much.

“You followed a lot of our life together, basically from the first week we met.” He said. “And it's slowly coming to an end.”

He was fumbling with the buttons on his jacket. He did this vlog all alone, Cas was in bed, he really needed his rest. “I thought the end was today.” Dean said. His hands were shaking and he took another deep breath.

Dean never vlogged alone, it wasn't usual, it didn't feel good. It was Cas' thing, it was _their_ thing.

“Cas doesn't have pain anymore. He got a higher dose of morphine.” Dean said.

It all went so fast, he remembered the first time he saw Cas vlogging, he thought it was adorable. He knew about his fans and how they reacted when Dean came into his life.

Cas told Dean that his fans felt like family. His vlog became a part of his life because of his fans and he was so grateful, he was always grateful.

“We lost track of the number of vlogs, but you guys became a big part of our lives.” Dean said and he chuckled weakly.

“I would like to film Cas right now but that's not doable. We will be in contact for the last while. Maybe months, maybe weeks, maybe-...”  Dean paused to realize it all.

“Maybe days.”

 

**September 17 th, 2006**

 

_Our little anniversary plans were, of course, canceled. We lived from day to day, vlogging was like keeping a diary. Cas' diary._

“4 years ago, I provoked you to kiss me.” Dean said and Cas chuckled. Dean sat on the edge of Cas' bed. Cas was sitting upright this time, leaning into the pillow against the wall.

“I can't believe I did it.” Cas said. “It was the best thing I ever did.”

Cas smiled and Dean photographed it. It was something Dean wanted to photograph a million times and he would never get tired of it. The cute little sighs he let out when Dean photographed him again. He remembered how much he loved it.

“Stop mocking me!” Cas said and he laughed and Dean took another picture.

“I don't mock you, I would never.” Dean said, looking through the lens of his camera. He wore a big smile.

“If I could run, I'd chase you.” Cas said, pointing his finger at Dean.

“No you wouldn't.” Dean said, he leaned in and kissed Cas' forehead, causing Cas to chuckle.

They looked at each other for a while and something in Cas' expression was shattered.

“You know, Dean. There will be a tough conversation one of these days.” Cas said.

There would be. The conversation nobody wants to have.

His last wishes.  
-

 

_We planned Cas' funeral._

_You read that right. I'm not trying to make this story better than it is._

“I want red roses on my funeral.” Cas said and Dean nodded and smiled. “I know, babe. I remember.” He said while Dean wrote it down in the 'Peace out' notebook.

“Notebooks kinda became our thing when I lost my voice, you know that?” Cas said and Dean smiled. Cas took the notebook from him and wrote something on it before giving it back.

'Kiss me.' It said and Dean laughed, causing Cas to chuckled too. Dean happily obliged.

“Can we do my funeral in Tokyo?” Cas said, playfully. Dean shot him a look and Cas laughed. “I was joking.”

They wrote a several things down and Dean had to swallow thickly and collect himself sometimes. Cas still enjoyed the little things, like Dean brushing his fingers over his hands and the little playful conversations they had. He still enjoyed life as if nothing happened, even when everything fell apart.

 

Cas still didn't allow his body to be sick.

“You know, people always wear black. I don't want you to wear black on my funeral.” Cas said and Dean laughed before he saw Cas was serious.

“Sorry. That's kinda ironic.” Dean said in apology and he scratched the back of his head.

“I haven't been wearing black for weeks, months maybe.” Cas said and shrugged, he had a smile on his face.

He wore hospital clothes and those were white, of course. Cas didn't like it at first.

“Black is a pessimistic color.”

“Perfect for me, then.” Dean said and he nudged Cas' arm, causing him to laugh and shake his head. “I tell you not to wear black on my funeral or I will fucking haunt you.” Cas said and he snorted.

“Okay, now I'm scared. I'll wear pink. Your favorite.”

“Fuck you.”

The little playful conversations. Dean tried his best to make everything as enjoyable as possible. He wanted to make Cas happy because that was the point. His promise. The only thing he lived for.

Making Cas happy till the end.

_His funeral would be beautiful. In how far a funeral can be good or beautiful, it isn't, really. Have you ever been to one? You know how it feels then._

“I hope it's raining on my funeral.”

“You want everybody to be nagging about it?” Dean asked and Cas laughed.

“I forgot that I'm the only one that likes the rain.”

 

**December 25 th, 2006**

 

_Christmas! Really._

_Like, no. Seriously. I mean it._

_We really really celebrated Christmas._

_You know what? I even decorated a Christmas tree._

_Cas was so happy, I woke him up and he saw all the lights and the presents and the milk and cookies and he shook his head and literally facepalmed because he knew what I thought about Christmas._

_He loved it so much. He was so fucking adorable, you probably can't even imagine._

 

“Really, Dean?”

“Really, Cas! All for you!” Dean said before the doorbell rang and he went to open the door.

“Who's that?” Cas said but Dean didn't answer, he simply opened the door to let Anna, Sam and Jess in.

“Family.”  
-

 

Jess decided to decorate Cas' bed and wheelchair a little bit, for Christmas. She brought lights for it and Cas had a wide smile on his face the whole time.

“Christmas lights?” Dean said, his voice dull and Jess nudged his arm.

“Come on, Dean. A little optimistic sometimes.” She said and Dean looked at Cas, causing him to laugh loud.  “Don't look at me, I didn't say anything.”

Dean snorted.

They celebrated Christmas like last year but only this time, all presents were for Cas. There were 14 presents and a little box Dean kept for the last.

“This is fucking great, Dean. The 'I don't do presents' Dean.” Cas said and Dean rolled his eyes before subtly placing the little box under the tree. “You missed one.” Dean said and Cas frowned when he looked at the little box he didn't see before.

“Did I?” Cas said and he grabbed it before slowly unfolding it.

It was a small black box, it looked fancy and neat and Cas’ eyes widened and he forgot how to form words. The rest of them also eyed the little box and everybody was shocked.

“Dean,” He said but Dean cut him off.

“I bought it right before we went to Tokyo and I thought I would never ever have another chance to do it and I don't know if it's even possible but I don't care anymore,” Dean said. “Cas, you know I love you and I meant it when I told you I was going to marry you in Tokyo.”

Cas was shocked, a little smile curling his lips. He didn't expect it at all.

“Dean,” He said again and he couldn't continue, he just leaned forward and wanted to hold him and Dean held him tight. “I love you.” Cas said, a light crack in his voice.

 His hands tightened and loosened in Dean's shirt, his breathing became shivery. His body nearly gave in before Dean noticed how much Cas was shaking. It was like he was having a seizure. The noise that came out of his throat was terrible. Cas was in pain and it was audible.

“Sam!” Dean yelled and he didn't think for a second before he was helping Dean to get Cas back to bed.

_That was supposed to be a beautiful moment. But this sickness fucked everything up._  
-

 

_These kind of 'seizures' as we call them, happened more frequently till a point it didn't happen at all anymore and we weren't exactly sure which we wanted more._

“I'm... sorry.” Cas breathed. He was almost breathless from what happened.

“Don't apologize.” Dean said, causing Cas to laugh painfully. They still said that to each other. After all these years, after all the laughs after all the tears.

“I was so shocked.” Cas said, catching his breath. “I was so happy.”

Dean had a wide smile on his face, he made him happy.

“That's my job.” He said and he brushed his hand through Cas' hair.

“I would've said yes.” Cas said and he chuckled.

“I know.” Dean said before Sam walked in to check on them.

“How's our patient doing?” He said and Cas laughed.

“I'm perfectly fine, doctor Sam.”  
-

 

_Cas was still my Cas. Happy and optimistic and... happy! He wanted to fight this as long as his strength allowed it._

_He wanted to beat it._

_He would have blood tests sometimes and that was the only thing they did. He had his medication and morphine._

_But after a while, that made him into another person._

 

**February 14 th, 2007 **

 

“I don't want to.” Cas said.

_It was time for his medication so he wouldn't have pain. This was the moment the medication made him depressed._

_Believe me, that happens._

 

“It's for your own good, Cas. You have to take it or else you'll be in pain.” Dean said, trying to get him to take the pills but Cas shook his head and clenched his hands in his hair.

“What's the point of it anyways?” He screamed and laughed sarcastically. Dean looked down and didn't say anything for a while before he sighed.

“You were so optimistic-..”

“I can be optimistic all I want but it doesn't matter anymore, Dean! I'm going to die anyways.” Cas shouted and he wheelchaired away from Dean, leaving him in the kitchen. He coughed loudly then because he was way too worked up.

Dean just blankly stared ahead. He didn't move. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly before he dropped his head on the table and waited.

Waited till Cas would feel pain so he wanted his medication. Waited for another seizure so Dean had to help him. Waited for Cas to come back and hug him or kiss him or touch him or telling him he loved him.

 

He just waited.

-

 

“Dean.” Cas' voice woke Dean up, after he accidentally fell asleep with his head on the table.

He knew why Cas called him so he stood up and took the pills and a glass of water with him to give them to Cas. He walked up to him and Cas' body was shaking, he'd had another seizure, Dean could see it. But he didn't tell Dean. He just tried to ignore it, he just gave him his pills and watched him swallow them.

“Good night.” Dean said and walked away before Cas grabbed his shirt and said 'wait!'.

“Can you help me into bed?” Cas asked and Dean looked at him painfully, clenching his jaw. Cas' gaze was empty. Completely empty, as if he forgot how to feel emotions. As if it was too hard to smile.

Dean helped him into bed and he didn't get a thank you or anything. Just a simple 'night'.

 

_I wanted to scream the lungs out of my body because I didn't know what happened. I didn't know why he was acting like that._

_I didn't know it was from the medication back then._

_And you know what you're going to think then? That it's your fault._

_He took his medication on wrong times and it was like he didn't want to fight anymore. It was like he gave up on everything._

_Everything at once._

 

**February 15 th, 2007**

 

_I'd lost all hope, I'd lost all faith. I was waiting for a sign, waiting for an end._

_I was waiting so long I forgot what I was waiting for. I just wanted to feel again. Feel love, feel closure. I wanted Cas to be mine but it felt like everything I did failed horribly and I couldn't make anything right anymore._

“Cas?” Dean said but Cas didn't look at him.

“Cas.” He repeated. His voice unsteady. Cas turned his head to face Dean and he looked scared, he looked defeated and angry and everything he never showed before.

 

_This wasn't my Cas._

“Do you love me?” Dean asked and swallowed thickly.

He wasn't sure anymore, Cas didn't talk to him, he didn't hold him, didn't touch him or kiss him and Dean was afraid to lose him. He was afraid that Cas didn't love him anymore.

A tear ran down his face when Cas didn't answer, he just sighed and placed his head on the kitchen table.

“Do you love me!?” Dean sobbed, he wanted to repeat it, he wanted to yell it, over and over again till he couldn't scream anymore. But he got no answer for a long time.

 

“I-.. I did everything for you! Everything!” Dean yelled and he stood up, getting Cas' attention.

“What's the matter with you!?” He yelled. “It's like you don't even try anymore. What happened, Cas? Nothing changed! You are still you! You're still Cas. _My Cas!”_ He fell down on the floor and sobbed. “I love you!” He said. “You're my Cas!” Dean was shaking entirely. As if he was cold.

“I forgot how to love you.” Cas said and the words hit Dean like a bullet. It came out so easily, so emotionless and empty. Not even a tear running down, his expression dull.“Forgot that a long time ago.” He added.

 

“Nothing changed.” Dean said. “I don't want to give up on you.”

“You gave up on _me!_ You ran away from me! That's why I can't love you anymore!” Cas yelled suddenly, lifting his head from the table, his hands were fists.

Dean couldn't believe it. It was all good for over a year. They reunited, they had a great time and in the midst of his depression he brings it back up. Dean didn't have a good answer, he stopped crying and looked down for a bit before exhaling slowly. He stood up and grabbed his camera.

“What?” Cas said. “What are you going to-...”

“Screw it.” Dean said, cutting him off in the middle of the sentence and he left.  
-

 

_I wanted to scream. I wanted to run._

_My life was a drama show and I wanted to stop it. It was like I was stuck in a horribly written soap._

_I couldn't cry anymore. I couldn't scream anymore. I stood there, in front of a big choice._

_My heart was beating in my throat and I looked down onto my fingers where the ring was shimmering in the sun. The ring that changed my life, that changed his life. My biggest dreams turned into a great nightmare and the happy ending was lost._

_So I was going to end it sooner._

 

_I called Sam. I actually said goodbye to him and he was so worried. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I remember the tremble in his voice, I remember how he raised his voice and yelled at me before I ended our phone call._

_One train came by, another one, another one. But I didn't, I couldn't. I walked back and ended up at Benny's._

 

Dean rang the doorbell, his fingers shaking as he pressed the little button, tears running down his face.

“Dean!” Benny said when he opened the door, his eyes were wide and there was concern in his expression. Dean basically fell into his arms and Benny took him inside. Dean could finally cry his eyes out.

“Is it over?” Benny whispered and he kissed Dean's hair. Dean didn't understand the question for a few seconds before he shook his head and Benny lifted his head so he could see him.

But Dean tried to kiss him even though Benny stopped him.

“Benny. I just-... Kiss me.” Dean sobbed before clenching his hands into Benny's shirt. “I miss it. I miss him. He doesn't love me!” He sobbed. “He doesn't love me!” He was shaking and Benny held him close, trying to suppress his feelings for Dean.

“I'm sure he still loves you.” Benny whispered but Dean shook his head.

“I fucked up, Ben. I fucked up so bad, nobody loves me!” Dean said.

Benny didn't know how to answer anymore, he just brushed his hands through Dean's hair, trying to calm him down.

“I almost-... I just almost-...” Dean began, trying to keep it together. “I was at the train station.” Dean said, his voice trembling more and more in every word. Benny was shocked and he held him close against his body before he shook his head.

“No! No, no, no!” He chanted and he kissed Dean's hair again. “This shouldn't be happening!” He said. “This is so unfair!” He did his best not to start sobbing. He let Dean lift his head and he grabbed it, looking into those broken green eyes full of fear.

“Dean, I'm in love with you!” He said and Dean shook his head, another tear rolling down his face. He pushed away and sat apart from him.

He didn't want to betray Cas, he didn't want to hurt Benny. He had his hands in his hair and shook his head. “This can't be happening.” He said and closed his eyes.

“I need help.” He said just before the doorbell rang. It was Sam.

 

“Here you are! I searched for you everywhere!” He yelled at Dean and pointed his finger at him and Dean just tried to cover his ears, his hands still shaking and Sam's expression suddenly changed when he saw Dean's face and Benny shook his head.

“It's serious.”   
-

 

_I didn't know what came over me. I didn't know what was happening. The only thing I wanted was an end. I couldn't do it anymore._

_Cas didn't deserve that. He never did._

_It was all my fault. Not his._  
-

 

_When I went home, I found him on the floor, blood coming out of his mouth and I was actually shocked. He was crying, Queen playing in the background, wheelchair discarded in the corner of the room and he couldn't move._

“I'm so sorry!” He sobbed and he did a poor attempt to clear his throat. “Dean. I'm so sorry!”

Dean helped him up to the couch and held him tight in his arms, Dean's body entirely shaking against his. Cas was a broken mess of sorry and pain in Dean's arms. As putty in his hands. Like he could slip away any moment now. Like he was so far away and yet so close.

_I never wanted to let go of Cas because I was afraid to lose him._

“I'm scared.”

“It's okay. That's normal.” Dean assured him. “It's okay. Don't be afraid.”

“You told me, Cas. It's all going to be okay.

_Love of my life, you've hurt me. You've broken my heart and now you leave me._

“I won't give up, Cas!” Dean sobbed.

_Love of my life can't you see, bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me because you don't know what it means to me._

“Never!”   
_-_

 

_I went to Benny regularly. Not to betray Cas, but to talk. I had to talk. Because I was a time bomb. We searched for a doctor. A psychiatrist._

_Because I was going crazy._

_'Side effects' the doctor told us. 'Temporary depression' they told us. It was because of the long periods of medication or because he was afraid of the death._

_Cas wasn't._  
-

 

_Cas was okay with it after a while, that I went to Benny. He trusted me, he knew me. I was so thankful for that, but I knew he was afraid. He was anxious and depressed and I didn't know how to help him._

_We lived from day to day. The big day and also the worst day of our lives. And we all knew it was coming closer and closer. Even if the doctors told us Cas was only going to last for months, Cas was already fighting for another year almost._

_But we all knew._

_And it came soon._


	14. Peace out

**July 1 st, 2007**

 

“I'm... cold!” Cas stammered and Dean held him close to his body.

“Sh, I know baby. I know.” Dean said. “It's okay!”

He hastily placed him back in bed and did everything to keep him warm but Cas wouldn't mention it anymore. He was emotionless, not even a thanks, not a kiss, not a touch.

_This wasn't my Cas._

“What is it, Cas?” Dean said and a tear ran down Cas' face. He was staring out of the window and he didn't say a word. Dean then, crouched next to his bed so he could face him, he grabbed his hand and rubbed his fingers over it.

 

“Hey.” Dean whispered. “What is it, babe?”

Dean could see it. Cas was serious. He felt it, he felt pain, he felt the tears running down his face and he shook his head.

“I destroyed everything.” He said and Dean brushed his hand through his hair.

“You didn't.”

“I did, Dean. I am so sorry. You don't deserve this, you deserve so much better. I want you to be happy.” Cas said.

“Dean, promise me you will be happy! Promise me to keep smiling!” He said and Dean couldn't suppress his tears.

“How can I be happy without you, Cas. I want to make you happy. I love you, you're my everything, you're my Cas!” Dean said, dropping his head in the sheets and sobbing silently.

“Shoot pictures, do what you like,” Cas began and he swallowed. “go to Benny.” He finished and Dean slowly lifted his head and he lightly shook his head.

“You're the only one, Cas.” He whispered and he kissed Cas' cold hands.

“Only you.”

 

**July 10 th, 2007**

 

_Therapy. I needed therapy. Sam sent me there, Benny sent me there. Cas still didn't know what happened at Benny's, what happened when I left off that day._

_I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to worry about me or to feel even worse._

_I wanted him to be happy and that was the only thing that mattered for me._

_I went to see a professional once a week and Cas knew that. But not more than that. He understood it._

_I decided not to see Benny for a long time, after what happened. I couldn't see him. Sam regularly came over to check on us._

_Anna came over regularly to keep us sane._

_It was a hard time for the both of us._  
-

 

“Cas, I'm back.” Dean yelled when he walked in, Cas was in his bed and he smiled, something Dean hadn't seen for a while.

“Hi love.” He said. Dean frowned then and sat next to him. Cas' skin was pale and cold, his voice was barely audible because of the medicine. He grabbed Dean's hand and constantly smiled at him.

“I think it's time.” he said. The words crashed in like a million arrows, Dean's hand suddenly tightening around Cas'. He looked down and swallowed thickly, clenching his jaw and trying to be strong, trying to fight. But he couldn't and a tear ran down his face when he looked up. Cas' cold hand softly wiping it away.

“It's okay, Dean. I'm okay with it.” He told Dean. “It's good.”

_It was going to last days, weeks, maybe months. Or if you are Cas, perhaps a year._

Dean was confused, angry, sad, all at once because he couldn't manage his feelings anymore. It was a mix of depression and angst and it was like he was stuck on a point where he couldn't return. He couldn't do anything to help Cas, he couldn't make him happy anymore, he would lose him, he would slip right through his fingers.

Dean could tell that Cas was in pain again. The doctors told them that the lumps were growing and his lungs would slowly stop working. And that was happening and they couldn't do anything about that.

“I'm going to call the hospital, okay?” Dean said, his hand still tight around Cas'. Cas nodded slightly after a minute of thinking. He still smiled at Dean as if he was so content. And Dean believed he really was content.   
-

 

“Hi folks.” Dean said in the camera and Cas weakly waved and smiled. “Here's our cute little patient.” Cas did a weak attempt to chuckle and immediately had to cough a little but he tried to suppress the pain he was feeling.

“Can I do it?” Cas asked and reached out to grab his camera, Dean shrugged and gave it to him.

“This vlog and the ones that are coming are going to be a big difference,” He said and he bit his lower lip, thinking about how to say it. “I don't know when it will be over, but it will be over soon.” He said, his voice trembling.

“Latest updates to be honest; I'll get higher doses of morphine and...” He stopped and looked down for a while, he was shaking.

_They got him a higher dose of morphine because it was the last thing they could do. Let him die without pain. The medicine would eventually kill him because it was so much, we chose it because otherwise he would die in pain._

 

_They told us that morphine causes a lot of liquid in the back of your throat, and when it became too much, you'd suffocate slowly. And that was going to happen._

 

They ended the vlog together and Dean had to comfort Cas afterward.

“I don't want to leave you, Dean. I don't want to leave them, or Anna.” Cas said and he cried silently.

_He was so afraid. Not for his own, not about himself, he was afraid about us, what we would do, how we would feel._

_We did a vlog everyday, till the end. It was becoming harder and harder for Cas to speak and we audibly heard his lungs giving up._   
_-_

 

“Remember when we spoke through notebooks?” Dean asked him and Cas pointed at the nightstand, causing Dean to laugh. He opened one of the drawers and 3 thick notebooks were in it. With not only text but also pictures of them. It was kind of their own photo book but then with text too.

“You know how weird it is. Not being able to speak?” He asked and Dean laughed again. “Don't laugh!” Cas said and he laughed too, all though, he tried to.

“Dean,” Cas said, getting his attention. He grabbed his hand and held it tight. “promise you will be happy.” He said and Dean closed his eyes. He tried not to think about a world without Cas but it felt like a nightmare.

“God, this is a nightmare.” He accidentally said out loud and he started crying instantly.

“I love you, Cas!” Dean said, he dropped his head in the sheets and felt Cas' hand in his hair, it wasn't like before, not at all. It was a weak brush, almost like it wasn't Cas who touched him.

“I'll never let you go! I won't! I promise!” Dean said and looked up at Cas, who was crying too.

“Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

They both chuckled and held hands as if it was the last thing they could do.

Because it was the last thing they could do.

 

**July 16 th, 2007 (11pm)**

 

_It was almost Tuesday. The day I had planned our wedding. The wedding that would never happen. The wedding we never actually planned._

_Because Cas died that night._

_I can still hear the rain ticking on the windows. I can still hear the thunder crashing in._

_I can still feel Cas' cold hand in mine for the very last time. For what felt like forever. I wish it was forever._

Anna, Sam and Jess came over to say their goodbyes. It was weird to say goodbye like that. It is something you shouldn't have to do.

They sat with him till midnight because Cas was getting weaker and weaker by the minute. He went from bad to worse to even worse and the morphine was doing its work. It was almost time for his last dose. _The_ dose.

“Dean,” Cas breathed and he swallowed thickly even though he couldn't. “thank you.”

“For what?” Dean asked, his voice trembling, his hands shaking. He sat next to his bed and tried his best to stay strong because Cas had been strong all this time. Cas was a warrior and he kept fighting for Dean.

“For... a great fucking time.” Cas said and the laugh he let out sounded heartbreaking. His body didn't allow him to laugh anymore.

Dean chuckled lightly.

“I never had the chance to show you the world!”

“You are my world and you showed me everything!” Cas threw back, he really tried his best to make himself understandable because the lumps were blocking everything.

Dean smiled and started crying again, all emotions at once.

“I want you to go back to our park-...” He coughed, all liquid in his throat was audible and clearly made it hard to breathe. “and do a vlog there.” Cas said and Dean tried to smile but his lips wouldn't allow it.

“I don't want to vlog without you.” Dean said and Cas' hands tightened around Dean's.

“I know.” He simply said.

 

**July 17 th, 2007 (2:30am)**

 

_All the time it was slowly coming to an end but right then,_

_it never went so fast._

_I never expected that there were only 30 to 40 minutes left._

 

Dean sat on the chair next to Cas' bed, just like almost every day since a year. He held his hand and the only thing they could was wait.

Cas just had his last medications.

“It won't be long now.” Cas said and Dean didn't want to know it, he didn't want to hear it. He didn't know what to do when Cas was gone.

_He didn't want me to be depressed or sad, he didn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. He wanted me to be happy._

_Honestly I didn't know how to be happy anymore._

It was raining, the raindrops ticking to the windows and thunder softly crashing in. It felt like a horror night. The best of it all was that it was Cas' favorite weather.

A wide smile appeared on his face and he looked at Dean, as to say that he was satisfied.

“It's raining.” He whispered and Dean let out a sad chuckle. He still tried to suppress his tears, to suppress what he was truly feeling inside. Because he did it for Cas.

“God, Cas. Look at us.” Dean said and he sobbed, clenched his jaw, tried everything to stay strong but he couldn't and a tear ran down his face.  “Look what this all made of us. We were supposed to get married! We were supposed to be happy!”

“We were happy. You made me happy!” Cas said, attempting to raise his voice but the tumors were blocking everything inside, bit by bit.

“I didn't. I left you, I broke you, I-...”

“We are dreamers, Dean.” Cas whispered and he tightened his hand around Dean's.

“We are dreamers and we expect our dreams to be perfect. But there's no such thing as perfect.” Cas began. He sat up as much as he could, the last strength slowly fading.

“Some things may feel like a beautiful dream, but everything can end like a nightmare!” He said. “But you can wake up now Dean. Open your eyes. And whenever you decide to open your eyes,” He said and he had to swallow a few times even though it was hopeless. “whenever you decide to wake up from this nightmare, remember to smile, because in the end, all of this made you stronger.” He grabbed Dean's hand with both hands, his hands were cold and trembled in Dean's.

Dean was crying silently and he laid his head down next to Cas'. Cas was trying his best to keep him as close as possible. They would never part.

His strength was slowly fading at first but later all at once, he was a weak mess of skin and bones, he could only speak just a little bit and he held Dean's hand tightly as to assure him that he was still there. That he still didn't leave him.

_I wasn't the victim here, really. I just hit a depression because I was too weak to handle it. Cas helped me through it when he was the one that needed someone._

_I tried. I really did. I was there and I tried my best to stay strong, I tried my best to make him happy because that was all that mattered._

Cas grabbed the music box from his nightstand with the very last strength he had left.

“Will you play it for me?” He asked and there was a big smile on his face. Dean knew exactly what it meant and he almost collapsed.

Cas always played it when he was about to go to sleep. Dean grabbed the box with shaking hands and they winded the little wheel together, Dean softly chuckled while teardrops fell down on the little box.

The lullaby filled the room while thunder crashed in and Cas grabbed Dean's hand for one last time.

“Dean,” He said, a smile on his face. “ _we gave it our best shot._ ”

Dean let out a weak chuckle, followed by the sound that was Cas' laugh.

“We really did!” He said.

Dean sat up a little bit and ran his hand through Cas' hair while the song started playing for a second time.

“Close your eyes, Cas.” Dean whispered and Cas did, laying his head down into the pillow, his hand still in Dean's.

Cas could barely breathe like that and Dean sadly knew how fast it was coming to an end.

“Go to sleep.” Dean said and a last smile appeared on Cas' face. A smile Dean could never forget, a kind of smile he always wore in the beginning of their journey.

The beginning and the end.

It only lasted for 10 more seconds before Cas stopped breathing, his smile disappeared, the music box in his hands while it was still playing.

His hand tightened and loosened around Dean's till it loosened for good. The lullaby finished its song and Dean's watch beeped because it was exactly 3 'o clock.

Dean stared at Cas for what felt like forever. He let go of his hand and brushed his hand through his hair, tear drops hitting the sheets.

“Cas.” Dean said and he got no response. He looked down and clenched his jaw, still brushing Cas' hair. He swallowed thickly and wished that Cas could still hear him.

“ _See you in my dreams, baby.”_  
-

 

_Sam came over, to be there for me, to keep me sane, to plan things out. It was 5 in the morning and I couldn't stop shaking._

_“Are you okay?” Sam asked and I snorted._

_“I'm fucking great.” I said._

_Fucking great._

_I remember that I didn't say a word about anything. I didn't speak to anyone for over a week._

_I remember what Cas told me. He asked me to do a vlog._

 

**July 25 th, 2007**

 

“Hi folks.” Dean said to Cas' camera. He set it in the grass and lied down before it. Before the big tree. It was sunny that day.

“The time has come.” He said, he had no idea how to begin that vlog. He had a hard time to stay sane.

“Our story is over.” He said and he chuckled lightly, thinking of all the time he had spend with Cas, next to that particular tree. In the sun, while Cas was wearing black. He still couldn't believe how he did it.

How he was listening to Queen that one day and Dean doesn't like Queen at all.

“Cas died last week. He was okay with it.” He said, his voice trembling and he tried to collect himself. Clearing his throat. Trying not to think about Cas' optimism since the first day to the last.

 

“I want to thank you all for supporting Cas. To be a part of his life and to make him smile.”

He tried not to think about Cas' smiles. _Because crying won't solve anything._ He always had a reason to smile.

“The big fight is over.” He said.

Cas always fought, he fought till the end. ' _Castiel is a warrior'_ He fought for Dean because Dean fought for him. Even after he fucked up. He wouldn't give up.

“This is probably the last time you'll hear from me. This is the last vlog.” Cas would never stop vlogging. It became his life. Dean and his fans. They saw him draw, they saw him fall in love, they saw him getting sick and sicker and they slowly saw him coming to an end.

Cas would never stop vlogging.

Dean chuckled and remembered Cas' last speech.

“Cas told me a little something.” He started.

_“Folks,_

_we are dreamers. I believe we all are. Love at first sight? Does it really exist or is it just a coincidence? It's for dreamers._

_We expect our dreams to come true, we expect our dreams to be perfect, to be big and spectacular. But we forget that everything can end in a nightmare._

_You shouldn't dream, you should believe. Believe in love at first sight, believe in your dreams. Even if it all ends in a nightmare, just wake up when the dream is over._

_I'm slowly waking up. I'm opening my eyes._

_Cas told me something that I won't ever forget._

_He said: whenever you decide to wake up from this nightmare, remember to smile. Because in the end,_

_It all made you stronger.”_

He smiled at the camera, a true smile, mixed with despair and sadness but his smile was true. Cas taught him how to smile, he taught him how to be happy.  



	15. epilogue

**July 17 th, 2013**

What's up, Cas.” It was sunny, warm. It'd been a typical summer week, warm and sticky. Just the same weather as that one day in September.

“It's been a while.” The birds were singing. Telling their stories but nobody listened. The place was empty, Dean was the only one there. A bouquet of red roses in his hands.

“I hope you're doing good up there.” He said. He chuckled lightly. The grass was green, the trees even greener. The sky was blue but Cas' eyes were bluer.

Dean sat down in the grass and appreciated the smell of summer for a while, a soft breeze brushing over his arms.

“I still remember your smell.” Dean chuckled. “You smelled like rain.”

Exactly 6 years ago, it was raining, there was thunder, and one specific song playing.

He grabbed it from his bag and placed it on the place that was Cas' grave and he let it play.

“I remember what you told me, babe.” Dean said to the emptiness. To the stillness. He was fiddling with his fingers in the grass.

“I'm living with Benny since a few months now and I'm not depressed anymore.” He said, a tear dropping down on the little music box.

“I wish you were here.” He whispered, eying the big stone that said; 'Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more.'

 

“I wish you were here.”

 

**July 17 th, 2014**

 

_I've never told this story to anyone, at least, not fully. I was ashamed. I was scared. I was depressed._

_But it made me into another person._

_It's not a romanticized story because it wasn't about that. Of course I let out the details, but it was about Cas._

_Cas was all that matters and that was it, nothing more, nothing less._

_Thank you, for reading, listening, understanding._

 

_Peace out._


End file.
